blu's pathetic life updates

[bluaki]

I guess I should make a thread for this. I'll bump it again when I have something else to rant about.

As most of you know, I'm transgender and struggling to gain the ability to transition.

With a bit of searching, here's a few posts I found that I've made about my progress:
[spoiler=2010-11-13]

I just had a psychologist appointment yesterday and it didn't go so well.

I'll never be nearly as girly as I want to be, there's very little hope for me, I won't get anything done for years, etc.

[/spoiler]
[spoiler=2012-04-07]

I feel like it's always ignored when I randomly mention something that is to me a significant life event

I guess I'm just really boring


but on a related note, I finally ended up visiting my school's counseling center today and arranged an appointment for next Thursday. It seems they might actually have experience with transgenderism, so maybe I'll actually make progress this time. I'm hoping to start hormones by winter

[/spoiler]
[spoiler=2013-01-12]

My therapist says she'll finally have an opening "this week or the next"

I've been at the top of her waiting list since October

[/spoiler]
[spoiler=2013-03-14]

also therapist appointment went well except the part where she mentioned it'd take 3-5 months to start HRT so I can't start before summer vacation

going again about every two weeks

[/spoiler]
[spoiler=2013-07-16]

How are you coming along with your transitioning?

Psychologist said I should be able to start getting hormones around September
I can't visit her during summer vacation

Timeline so far:
~2006: Realized I'm trans and seriously want to be female
Early 2010: Came out to mother, asked to be taken to see a therapist with intent to try to get hormones as soon as I can
Late 2010: Finally visit therapist who turned out to be awful and unhelpful, soon after decide to cancel visits
Fall 2011: Started university
Early 2012: Tried visiting on-campus counseling center. After a few visits they told me they can't help and I need to go elsewhere.
Late 2012: Started gradually coming out to a small few classmates
Late 2012: Tried setting up an appointment with a psychologist near my university, with quite a few delays
March 2013: Finally started seeing a helpful therapist (less than two months before summer vacation)

Predictions:
Fall 2013: Start taking hormones
Early 2014: Start trying to look noticeably more feminine even in public
Mid-Late 2014: Legal name+gender change

[/spoiler]
[spoiler=2013-08-22]

on the note of things I say that are probably ignored

after my psychologist visit today, she said she'll write the letter of referral to an endocrinologist by our next meeting in two weeks

and that I need to find an endocrinologist by then

so I'm finally close to actually getting hormones

[/spoiler]
[spoiler=2013-10-10]

I finally got my letter for hormones

[/spoiler]
[spoiler=2013-10-28]

I finally scheduled my first appointment with an endocrinologist to get hormones

it'll be this week, friday morning

at an office that takes one hour to reach by bus (or 8 minutes by car or 75 minutes by foot)

I had my psychologist's letter of referral faxed there over two weeks ago, but with other health complications I decided to wait until now

I'm expecting that, after this visit, I'll soon afterward get blood lab work done at my uni's health center, have a second appointment, then get my prescription for hormones, hopefully all within the next two weeks.

[/spoiler]
[spoiler=2013-11-23]

I posted this before but some of you probably didn't notice:
I just started taking Spironolactone last Friday (albeit only 50mg/day), but I can't get estrogen yet because the doctor doesn't like my cholesterol levels (and gave me Simvastatin to help with that). I have a follow-up appointment in January, when I hope I'll be able to start getting estrogen and increase my spiro dose.

[/spoiler]
[spoiler=2014-01-18]

I would have finally gotten estrogen today

...but my mom successfully sabotaged my life, so I didn't
and according to the doctor I might have to wait a whole extra year

The full story:

During Thanksgiving break, my mom found out about my androgen-blockers and reacted rather crazily

My psychologist recommended bringing her in for the next appointment on Jan 6 to help her understand

My mom absolutely refuses to believe anything I say. She thinks she even knows my own feelings better than I do. It seemed like she'd actually respect the view of a licensed professional psychologist.

But I was completely wrong. She just acts completely hostile toward anybody who doesn't tell her exactly what she expects to hear, which in this case was "You're right, he's mistaken, we shouldn't have him go through this treatment. He'll probably be cured of this delusion when he gets a girlfriend."

So my mom continued to insist that she's right, that she knows what's best for me, that my psychologist doesn't know what she's doing, that she knows psychology better than my psychologist, and that all the medical and psychological community who believes gender dysphoria is a real thing that should be treated via gender transition is biased, crazy, and wrong.

My psychologist decided that, because of my mom, I'd be better off starting fresh with a new psychologist with whom my mom is involved with from the beginning so that she isn't so uncontrollably hostile.

When I saw my doctor today, he told me that, because the psychologist dropped my case, he can't continue treating me until I go through everything I spent this last year doing again from the beginning. Also, his office received threats from my mom, so he says I should switch to a different endocrinologist then.

Additionally, he says I shouldn't take the androgen-blockers anymore. My previous prescription from him runs out in May.

Needless to say, resetting everything to involve my mom from the start is the absolute last thing I want to do. Right now, I want to cut her out of my life as much as I can and I, of course, want to actually get the treatment I've already waited eight years for.

[/spoiler]
[spoiler=2014-01-18 part 2]

did she know about your whole situation beforehand, or was it basically sprung on her right then?

she knew at least some of it

Four years ago, I came out to her with the express purpose of starting the process of getting approval to transition, but that failed and I couldn't manage to start this current attempt to try to do so without her until about a year ago.

I never wavered in my apparent desires, but I haven't been clear with her about any more personal details about my feelings.

Although I didn't know, what she apparently expected to happen with me seeking therapy was for the therapist to convince me that I don't want to be a woman, so she was surprised in a negative way when my therapist has actually been accepting and agreeing with me.

[/spoiler]
[spoiler=2014-01-18 part 3]

yeah this is definitely a time when you cut your parents out entirely.

And what kind of fucking doctor listens to random hysterical people instead of their own patients

My doctor's reason to drop my case was the psychologist, not my mom's complaining. At least that's what he tells me.

My psychologist didn't exactly listen to my mom's demands, but she decided that it's better for my sake if we take actions to help her understand my situation instead of outright push her away.

Maybe she's right about that, I don't know what my mom would do in further hysteria, but that action seems based a bit too much on optimism that she will actually accept it.

I have a feeling the psychologist doesn't know that her dropping my case led to the doctor also dropping my case. I intend to use this detail to request to continue being seen.

[/spoiler]
[spoiler=2014-03-18]

During 7th grade, my family sent me to a psychologist a few times for I believe "depression". I have no idea what prompted this and I don't remember anything about this, but I do at least remember that's around the time I first realized I'm trans, but I didn't tell anybody including the therapist.

More recently, of course, seeing a psychologist is necessary for me to earn the ability to receive gender transition. It took me a very long time to manage to even start seeing a psychologist for this. At first, it seemed to go well enough (albeit much slower than I liked), then in January I had the problems I posted about earlier of my mom threatening this psychologist which resulted in my case being dropped even though my mom has no legal authority over me.

After that, I was immediately transferred to another psychologist. I don't like this psychologist nearly as much as that other one. She seems to strongly believe in a stereotype-based diagnosis for gender dysphoria, expresses doubt that I really am transgender, says I have to restart the process of getting approval from her despite already being approved for hormones from the previous psychologist, and seems distracted by my social anxiety with thinking it needs to be addressed/resolved before anything. She also seems difficult for me to communicate effectively with; for example, she seems to expect definite answers to questions about like how exactly I expect my female self to be, while I think in the more realist way of "I can't set definitive expectations for something uncertain, but I can say in a broad sense how I intend to handle transitioning", but she seems to interpret those answers as "I don't know what I want".

I don't honestly believe I need a psychologist's help for anything like sorting out my thoughts. I just want to be allowed to have gender transition. The steps for this are getting hormones, having a legal identity change, and (eventually, optionally) having sex reassignment surgery, all of which require psychologist approval.

[/spoiler]
[spoiler=2014-03-18 part 2]

maybe try getting out of the south as soon as you graduate so you can meet with more reasonable psychologists

the first psychologist I saw for gender dysphoria seemed great until my mom ruined everything with threats.

Dropping my case is the only problem I had with her. She seems to insist this is the best option for me because there's no undoing letting my mom know who my psychologist was and I can't quite escape my mom's toxic influence in my life.

But yeah, leaving Florida would still solve this.

[/spoiler]

[Kalahari Inkantation]

My personal life really is a big series of problems

welcome to boyah

[spoiler]

i'm sorry, blu

how did a person like the therapist you describe even end up as specialist in treating gender dysphoria, smh

til that autism spectrum disorders and transgenderism are mutually exclusive[/spoiler]

[bluaki]

My personal life really is a big series of problems

To recap from before: because of my mom's interference with my previous therapist in January, I had to switch to another therapist, and the switch in therapists forced a cancellation in my hormone treatment

I had been feeling like my case wasn't going as well with this new therapist.

In my first visit or two with her, she didn't seem convinced that I'm really transgender. I think part of this might be because of problems with communicating effectively. For example, one thing she asked me was to describe myself in terms of gender stereotypes, but I struggle with that because I really don't think of gender in terms of stereotypes, but I feel like she saw that as a sign that I'm not trans. Similarly, she asked vague questions like what kind of clothes I want to wear, but I don't know how to decisively answer something like that so I instead described how I intend to manage my change in style during gender transition.

After just one or two visits, she started giving me tests instead of spending the time for my visits on what I'd consider useful progress. First were a few personality inventory tests. She said the results from those were inconclusive, but in particular said I don't match all that many of the stereotypically feminine interests (I really think this is not at all the way gender dysphoria should be diagnosed) and instead show a stronger result for social anxiety.

In my previous visit three weeks ago, she tested me for autism, then today claimed the result was positive. The supposed signs of autism she says I showed seem to me more like signs of nervousness, discomfort, and a history of limited social interaction. One she emphasized especially was my lack of hand gestures. One of the other supposed signs she mentioned was my set of interests in topics like programming and anime.

So, during my visit today, she said she thinks I have autism and don't have gender dysphoria. Because she can't handle treating autism, she said this is our last visit and suggested that I switch to a therapist who can. After I insisted that I firmly believe this is wrong on both counts, she mentioned I could also switch to another therapist who can handle transgender cases and go with whatever they diagnose instead, but that because she doesn't believe I'm trans, she can't in good interest recommend me for hormone treatment.

Also, the previous therapist I saw might have otherwise been an option now, but she's apparently just about to go on maternity leave. Again. When I first tried to arrange to start visits with her in August 2012, she was on maternity leave and couldn't accept me until March 2013.

This is now my fourth failed attempt to even get permission for gender transition. The others were:
1. In 2010, had my mom take me to a therapist, who was outright awful and in hindsight was probably even anti-gay.
2. In late 2011 ~ early 2012, tried to visit my university's counseling center, which decided they can't handle me and sent me away to find someone else.
3. In late 2012, tried to arrange visits with a much better therapist, who couldn't take me until March 2013. She handled my case well throughout the rest of 2013. Then my mom ruined everything in January 2014.

[Kalahari Inkantation]

even so, i'm still not sure why she thought it relevant at all

if you do happen to have an additional neural disorder (though the examples given of programming and anime as possible symptoms are terrible as limited interests don't necessarily indicate a problem if they don't hinder your ability to live reasonably), why would she conflate them rather than dealing with them separately lol

i mean, i guess if it had been a mood disorder like depression or something then it probably would have been wise to take it into account, though more from the perspective of your gender issues having a negative effect on your demeanor

but not something like autism

what exactly did she say to try to convince you that autism can sometimes disguise itself as gid, because that's not something i've heard of lol

[bluaki]

how did a person like the therapist you describe even end up as specialist in treating gender dysphoria, smh

til that autism spectrum disorders and transgenderism are mutually exclusive

She's had other more fortunate transgender patients who do actually get diagnosed as having gender dysphoria and receiving treatment thanks to her. Just not me.

This might even be part of the problem: she told me a few times that I seem different in some ways than her other transgender cases, which gives me the impression she was judging my case based on theirs.

She didn't say or imply that they are mutually exclusive, but she had separate tests indicating what I firmly believe are incorrect results for both. Then she tried explaining some ways she thinks autism can make somebody have signs that seem like gender dysphoria.

[ncba93ivyase]

how did a person like the therapist you describe even end up as specialist in treating gender dysphoria, smh

til that autism spectrum disorders and transgenderism are mutually exclusive

She's had other more fortunate transgender patients who do actually get diagnosed as having gender dysphoria and receiving treatment thanks to her. Just not me.

This might even be part of the problem: she told me a few times that I seem different in some ways than her other transgender cases, which gives me the impression she was judging my case based on theirs.

She didn't say or imply that they are mutually exclusive, but she had separate tests indicating what I firmly believe are incorrect results for both. Then she tried explaining some ways she thinks autism can make somebody have signs that seem like gender dysphoria.

please don't read this as being rude it's me trying to get in your therapist's mind, but she might be basing her diagnosis on her incomplete perceptions and not the patient's actual emotions, so here's a possible reason why she might be saying this:
[spoiler]you identify as female, but you don't seem to be pushing extremely hard to conform to traditional female gender roles. you're a cs (or was it software engineering) major for one, although this is kind of silly since i've noticed most trans people seem to fall under tech/engineering fields. your typing style lends itself to being highly androgynous more than feminine, and assuming this carries over to real life at all, you probably seem more agendered to most people. most mtf transgenders i encounter in real life jump far into super feminine territory as soon as they come out. they force overly feminine voices (as in 10 year old anime girl type voices), wear little girl clothes, and just generally act obnoxiously girly to the point that it's beyond any actual woman. they seem to mellow out after a year of being openly trans

i don't get the feeling that you have gone that far in that direction[/spoiler]

[spoiler]basically to me you seem to just be an average person who doesn't identify as male. she may be expecting you to be bouncing off the walls screaming that you're a woman, which most of the transwomen i've encountered seem to do. transmen seem to be a little more fortunate since they can start dressing like a male during childhood and don't need to suddenly break out and assert their masculinity[/spoiler]

[bluaki]

I had tec move some of the recent conversation into this thread, so it was a bit weird for a while

please don't read this as being rude it's me trying to get in your therapist's mind, but she might be basing her diagnosis on her incomplete perceptions and not the patient's actual emotions, so here's a possible reason why she might be saying this:
[spoiler]you identify as female, but you don't seem to be pushing extremely hard to conform to traditional female gender roles. you're a cs (or was it software engineering) major for one, although this is kind of silly since i've noticed most trans people seem to fall under tech/engineering fields. your typing style lends itself to being highly androgynous more than feminine, and assuming this carries over to real life at all, you probably seem more agendered to most people. most mtf transgenders i encounter in real life jump far into super feminine territory as soon as they come out. they force overly feminine voices (as in 10 year old anime girl type voices), wear little girl clothes, and just generally act obnoxiously girly to the point that it's beyond any actual woman. they seem to mellow out after a year of being openly trans

i don't get the feeling that you have gone that far in that direction[/spoiler]

[spoiler]basically to me you seem to just be an average person who doesn't identify as male. she may be expecting you to be bouncing off the walls screaming that you're a woman, which most of the transwomen i've encountered seem to do. transmen seem to be a little more fortunate since they can start dressing like a male during childhood and don't need to suddenly break out and assert their masculinity[/spoiler]

Yeah, that's basically what I think it's like too.

I do have a rather subdued approach to gender presentation, which is significantly different than what you describe as the obnoxious typical transwoman and as such might give the impression that I'm not transgender

[ncba93ivyase]

maybe you should show up in an incredibly ugly dress and rainbow pantyhose someday

even if you feel uncomfortable, it might be what it takes to be taken seriously

[Kalahari Inkantation]

yeah, you really are atypical in your lack of overcompensation and overacting within the stereotypical roles of your gender as is often exhibited by other transfolk

[spoiler]

i'm reminded of the time [glow=black,2,300]pqqu[/glow] submitted a frontal topless photo of herself to the picture thread just sort of on a whim, which is not something most biological women are wont to do without great hesitation (at least, not without a context appropriate reason for doing so)[/spoiler]

and as unfair as it may be, that defiance of expectations looks like it is a part of what's hindering your progress

[glow=black,2,300]tl;dr post tits[/glow]

[bluaki]

maybe you should show up in an incredibly ugly dress and rainbow pantyhose someday

even if you feel uncomfortable, it might be what it takes to be taken seriously

there aren't many contexts in which something like that can make someone take you seriously

I actually think rainbow tights can be cute on other people, but they're not in my taste. For stuff I'd wear, I prefer simpler things color-wise like either one solid color or some single-color design over a solid-color background. The only more detailed ones I've seen that I might consider would be the galaxy-pattern ones, but even those are detailed enough that I doubt they'd go well with many outfits.

[spoiler]

i'm reminded of the time [glow=black,2,300]pqqu[/glow] submitted a frontal topless photo of herself to the picture thread just sort of on a whim, which is not something most biological women are wont to do without great hesitation (at least, not without a context appropriate reason for doing so)[/spoiler]

I think of this in essentially the opposite way: because I'm transgender, I'm even more wary (or ashamed) of people seeing my body than I would be if I were a cis-girl.

[spoiler]the closest you guys will ever see will be my topless back[/spoiler]

[ncba93ivyase]

maybe you should show up in an incredibly ugly dress and rainbow pantyhose someday

even if you feel uncomfortable, it might be what it takes to be taken seriously

there aren't many contexts in which something like that can make someone take you seriously

I actually think rainbow tights can be cute on other people, but they're not in my taste. For stuff I'd wear, I prefer simpler things color-wise like either one solid color or some single-color design over a solid-color background. The only more detailed ones I've seen that I might consider would be the galaxy-pattern ones, but even those are detailed enough that I doubt they'd go well with many outfits.

[spoiler]

i'm reminded of the time [glow=black,2,300]pqqu[/glow] submitted a frontal topless photo of herself to the picture thread just sort of on a whim, which is not something most biological women are wont to do without great hesitation (at least, not without a context appropriate reason for doing so)[/spoiler]

I think of this in essentially the opposite way: because I'm transgender, I'm even more wary (or ashamed) of people seeing my body than I would be if I were a cis-girl.

[spoiler]the closest you guys will ever see will be my topless back[/spoiler]

the point is that you just need to dress like a 10 year old girl when you go to see your therapist. if she sees you acting like a little girl, she's more likely to consider the possibility that you are trans

as soon as you walk out tear that shit off and wear your normal clothes.

[bluaki]

Like I said earlier, I'm never seeing this therapist again. Today was the last visit and I have to figure out who to go to next on my own.

For the previous therapist, I wouldn't have needed any sort of trans-proof like this and things would have gone well if she didn't send me away in reaction to my mom hating her guts

If the next therapist is this stubborn about saying I'm not trans, maybe I'll consider doing something ridiculous out of necessity, but not until then.

I have a very strong sense of embarrassment.

[ncba93ivyase]

do it on your very first visit

embarrass yourself once so that you never have to do it again

[Hiro]

incredibly ugly dress and rainbow pantyhose
what it takes to be taken seriously

[6M69I69B9]

I have a very strong sense of embarrassment.

awww...

i think it's best if you read about self-compassion- loving yourself and going by your own standards- a different concept from self-esteem.  

(ugh i don't want to sound corny af but...)

also- although i do have a problem w/ transgender.  i really admire your efforts in becoming the best person you can be- pursuing hormone therapy.  i will be reading your stories as you post them because i also feel empowered some how to deal w/ my own struggles as well.  i don't think your updates so far have been pathetic, if you literally meant that w/ out being "ironic" or loosely joking around- you're trying @ least.  it's just the ppl around you that keep you away from pursuing stuff

oh and i thought that the therapist's perspective was interesting

anyway keep @ it