Boyah Noir: POST, FUCKERS

[Andrew1911]

Chapter Four: The Crest Letter

As JMV was running to the next trolley, he remembered something... He left his trademark fedora in the damn alley! JMV said to himself, "Shit. Shit on a stick." He hopped on the back of the trolley to Andrew1911's hideout. The police should be gone by now and Andrew1911 shouldn't be execting JMV back so soon... The trolley pulled over to Andrew1911's joint and JMV hopped off. He looked around for any signs of the fuzz. They were not there. He also noticed the alley where he was brutually beaten had removed all traces of what had happened there. The police had to have come.

JMV snuck over to the back entrance and crept in the doggy door. There were busboys there but they were too busy washing all of Andrew1911's stains. It was a seven man job. JMV crept past the seven busboys struggling with Andrew1911's sheet and saw Bluto & Bluto getting drunk. They were about to sing Sinatra's song, "New York New York". JMV did not plan on getting his ear drums raped so he looked around for Andrew1911's office. After several seconds, Andrew1911 emerged from his lair, looking to get drunk after his hard day of killing people. JMV took this opportunity to quickly creep into his office.

When he first entered, he found his fedora on the desk. JMV didn't waste any time getting his rightful property back and placed it firmly on his head. JMV looked around for any papers regarding Impavido. Strangely enough, he found it on a paper with the Crest logo on the top of it. What JMV read shocked and disturbed him more than anything in his entire life...

From the office of: Miles Kaz, CEO of Crest

Dear Mr. Andrew1911,

I am Miles Kaz, CEO of Crest. As you know, we are trying a new advertising campaign where we say that all doctors prefer the use of Crest to whiten their teeth. Unfortunately, one rogue doctor who goes by the name of Von Mariofreak decided that Crest is not good enough for his Christian teeth. By the name of the Lord and savior, we cannot let this rogue doctor go about slandering our good name, Mr. Andrew1911.

Now, I know you are a Jew but desperate times call for desperate measures. We must have all doctors support the Crest brand over all other brands. We cannot have the simple customer thinking that the subpar Colgate is actually better than Crest, now, can we? If you don't see our certain way, Mr. Andrew1911, how does five hundred thousand dollars sound? We need this, Mr. Andrew1911. The fair company of Crest depends on your help.

If you choose to disclose this letter with the police, I am afraid that I will have to show this certain picture of a certain someone having intercourse with a specific person who is not that certain someone's wife. Catch my drift, Mr. Andrew1911? Now, kill Von Mariofreak and you shall be handsomely rewarded.

Love,
Miles Kaz

[Andrew1911]

Chapter Five: Christians, Guns, and Trampolines! Oh, my!

JMV dragged Andrew1911's body to the streets and saw a trolley. From a distance, he could make up the shape of some asshole... Must be that trolley jerk. JMV silently crept behind the trolley and placed Andrew1911's body on the back. Before JMV could hop on, the trolley began to drive off. JMV ran as fast he could but that trolley was fast as hell. Even worse, he could see Andrew1911's body was beginning to slip. Thankfully, the trolley was going uphill. Unfortunately, Andrew1911's body fell off. JMV was in the middle of the hill so he ran as fast as he could to avoid the tumbling body of Andrew1911. JMV dived just in the nick of time and Andrew1911's body slammed into a trash can.

After an hour or so, JMV pushed Andrew1911 to the police station in a trash can. He pinned the Crest letter on Andrew1911's chest and hopped onto a trolley heading to the Crest factory. Miles Kaz wasn't getting away. Not by the hair of JMV's chinny chin chin. JMV hopped off of the trolley and mocked the trolley man he loathed. The trolley man just cried because he knew it was futile to try to stop him. JMV grabbed the handgun of his coat pocket and straightened his trademark fedora. He opened the door of the Crest factory and saw one of those newfangled elevators. He walked into it and hit the button for the twentieth floor.

JMV got out of the elevator and opened Kaz's door. He turned on the lights and was surrounded by a dozen guards. From out of a corner of the room, Miles Kaz walked out, thumping a Bible. Kaz said, "Ah, you must be... JMV? Yes, that was who Andrew1911 planned to pin the crime on. Good plan. Shameful execution. Now, that heathen Andrew1911 is dead, I take it?" JMV shook his hood and Kaz said, "Shame. Jews don't deserve to breathe our fine Christian air or brush their teeth using my Christian toothpaste. It's made specifically for Christians, not heathens such as Andrew1911 and Von Mariofreak. JMV, you are a Christian, yes?" JMV nodded his head.

Kaz grimly smiled, "Good. We can give you a proper Christian burial." JMV finally spoke, "You do realize that I dropped Andrew1911 off at the police headquarters and I made copies of the Crest letter, right?" Kaz's smile turned into a frown. He said, "The Crest letter? Where did you get it?" JMV smiled, "In Andrew1911's office. Thank God you chose an incompetent mob boss. God only knows what kind of damage you could've done with one who wasn't Jewish." Kaz screamed, "Shut up, you bloody heathen! I am Miles Kaz! I make good, clean Christian toothpaste for the common Christian man! Don't you dare tell me how to do my business, heathen! I am only following God's will! If Crest did not exist, Colgate's inferior brand would take the sparkle away from good Christian mouths! God's vengeance is swift, Mr. JMV! You will learn that soon enough! Men! Fire!"

JMV ran out of the room and into the hallway, dodging a plethora of bullets. He ran into the staircase and ran up to the rooftop. He hid at the top and fired a couple of bullets off, killing four henchmen. JMV ran to the edge and saw Miles Kaz jumping into his car to escape to the border. JMV couldn't let that happen. He searched for any possible escape... He saw a trampoline at the bottom. He remembered those funny Looney Tunes commercials. Maybe, it would work in real life too. The henchmen ran through the door and aimed. Before they could get a round off, JMV took a leap of faith. He flew twenty stories right onto the trampoline. Somehow, JMV landed without any injury and ran inside his car. The other henchmen who tried the same stunt weren't as lucky.

JMV saw a trolley heading in the same direction as Miles Kaz. That asshole trolley guy was there, though. JMV ran to the trolley and the trolley guy said, "Fuck off." JMV screamed, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" JMV threw a punch that knocked him out and JMV pulled the driver aside. He was going to catch that Kaz. JMV got the trolley up to an impressive thirty miles an hour. Unfortunately, Kaz was doing thirty too. He had to step it up a notch. JMV had a deathwish as he hit the gas to an unbelieveable thirty five miles per hour. Kaz looked behind him and saw JMV driving the trolley about to ram him off the road. Kaz fired a bullet that hit JMV in the shoulder.

JMV screamed, "Dammit!" That bullet would not distract him from his quest. He stepped on the gas as hard as he could and Kaz's tiny car was rammed repeatedly. The tiny car could not take it anymore and crashed into a brick wall. Kaz flew through the windshield. JMV slowly walked out of the trolley gingerly holding his shoulder. JMV said, "I hear they have Bible study groups in prison. You might like it there, after all."

JMV waited for the police, smoking a cigarette. Kaz moaned a couple of times but he was all right. The police arrived and took Kaz into custody. JMV was thanked by the police and they left him there on the side of the road. JMV sighed, "Not even a ride back? God dammit. I need to go to the hospital." All of a sudden, a car pulled up beside him. It was that Nurse Hime from the hospital. Hime said, "Need a ride?" JMV smiled and said, "Yes, I do. I also need some TLC, baby." Hime quizzically asked, "TLC?" JMV said, "Uh, tender loving care." Hime said, "Oh. That's... Nice." So, off the two went... To the hospital. JMV said, "Did you guys get better food? Cause if you didn't..."

[Andrew1911]

bump ^_^

[UnagiPower]

entertaining.  caterpie;

liked the Wrenchninja barber shop bit.

[Andrew1911]

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

I WORKED MY FUCKING NUTSACK OFF FOR YOU PEOPLE TO ENJOY THIS SHIT

THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS FUCKING COMMENT YOU PIECES OF SHIT

I'M GOING TO KILL YOU OFF JMV IF YOU DON'T FUCKING COMMENT

HELL I'LL MAKE RIPSTER THE MAIN CHARACTER IF YOU DON'T COMMENT 

[UnagiPower]

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

I WORKED MY FUCKING NUTSACK OFF FOR YOU PEOPLE TO ENJOY THIS SHIT

THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS FUCKING COMMENT YOU PIECES OF SHIT

I'M GOING TO KILL YOU OFF JMV IF YOU DON'T FUCKING COMMENT

HELL I'LL MAKE RIPSTER THE MAIN CHARACTER IF YOU DON'T COMMENT 

i commented.:'(

[Himu]

Wow.  Good job. caterpie;

[Wrench]

Sorry, I was out all day/night. :'(

Great story though. At least I died an hero.

[NOA_Haunted]

I did read it and it was cool.

[Andrew1911]

THERE WILL BE NO MORE CHAPTERS UNLESS THERE IS MORE COMMENTS 

[The Hand That Fisted Everyone]

THERE WILL BE NO MORE CHAPTERS UNLESS THERE IS MORE COMMENTS 

use more empty metaphors and you'll win a pulitzer

[Himu]

WONDERFUL LOVELY EXCITING SEXUALLY STIMULATING PLEASURABLE

[Andrew1911]

use more empty metaphors and you'll win a pulitzer

huh

[Andrew1911]

Chapter Um: Um

JMV sat in the hospital bed trying to get at an itch. He muttered, "Damn hospital clothes... Shouldn't even have to be in here... Ridiculous. Oh, look who comes in. My savior! All hail Hime who picked me up! All hail Hime, the one who owns the automobile!" Hime smirked, "Yeah, real funny, JMV... Now, you're getting released today so that's something to look forward to." JMV smiled, "Oh, that's all I have to look forward to? No sponge bath?" Hime laughed, "Well, there wasn't one scheduled but if you want one..." JMV clapped his hands together excitedly and said, "Beautiful." Hime left JMV a newspaper and exited the room.

JMV sighed, "The headline should be 'Handsome Badass P.I. Stops Evil Company'. It would sell more papers. Well, at least, Andrew1911 and Kaz are going into prison for life. Less dirt on my streets. Damn this shoulder... I should ask Hime to gingerly rub that area when she gets back." JMV gingerly got out of the bed and slowly moved into the bathroom. While inside, he heard voices in his hospital room. JMV assumed they were doctors at first but the words he could hear convinced him otherwise. JMV looked around for any kind of weapon but he was caught with his trousers down. The best he could muster was a magazine.

JMV heard the voices crowding around the bathroom door. He could hear them picking the lock. JMV got up as slowly as possible and crept to behind the door. They slammed the door wide open, breaking JMV's nose. He suppresed a scream by biting his lip. He bit his lip so hard that it began to bleed. The two henchmen turned away. One of the henchmen said, "Dammit, Unagi, I told you this wasn't the place..." Unagi argued, "I'm always right! That's my damn nickname, daddio! So, shut up, Ripster."

This was JMV's opportunity. He crept behind Ropster and knocked him out with the magazine. Unagi heard the commotion and pulled out a knife. JMV used his arm cast to fend off Unagi's knife thrusts. Unagi said, "You're gonna die good, JMV! I bet my life savings on it!" Finally, JMV slammed his cast into Unagi's face, knocking him out. JMV said, "First off, you owe my your life savings and you cost me a sponge bath. I hate you. I really hate you. Now, excuse me, unconscious body... I must leave this hospital and find out who hired you."

[Himu]

Oh God a sponge bath...

And what made you decide to add Ripster and Unagi?  Really unpredictable. caterpie;