it's always pissed me off how you're all somehow smarter and more eloquent than i am
fuck you
i've always been envious of other boyagers' vocabularies and fluency in english
english is my one and only language and yet i speak it like it's my second
tec just picks words out of a dictionary thats why he has all the big fancy words
it's true
how do you think i discovered ultracrepidarian
i wouldn't say that's true, i've always felt you were a little smarter and definitely more eloquent than i
Quote from: ƕɾο on May 31, 2017, 11:06:17 PM
i wouldn't say that's true, i've always felt you were a little smarter and definitely more eloquent than i
to be honest i've always felt kind of stupid around kaz lmao
it's why i was so hesitant to chat during gaming sessions at first
he frightens and intimidates me with his big natural D I C Ctionary
no seriously like here's an example. i have literally no capacity for remembering mathematics. tbh i would be placed in remedial high school level algebra if i tried to take a math placement test for college rn
i am also generally stupid when it comes to related fields like most sciences or technological stuff
related: guys how is bluaki such a genius???
I mean at this point I'm probably back at junior level high school math again, though I think after one or two courses I could get back to freshman-level college algebra
I think we can all agree bluaki is smarter than almost any of us though
on a side note, i feel genuinely dumb around most """adults""" irl, people around my age or slightly older
to me, resourcefulness is not only a form of intelligence, but the most important one
like being able to repair stuff around the house, or on a car
or financial stuff, like investments
or child caring
not to mention dating or other various social interactions
i feel like i'm light years away from most people my age about these things and it makes me feel unintelligent
fuck ice hockey!!!
Quote from: Thyme on June 01, 2017, 04:53:57 AM
on a side note, i feel genuinely dumb around most """adults""" irl, people around my age or slightly older
to me, resourcefulness is not only a form of intelligence, but the most important one
like being able to repair stuff around the house, or on a car
or financial stuff, like investments
or child caring
not to mention dating or other various social interactions
i feel like i'm light years away from most people my age about these things and it makes me feel unintelligent
if this had been written in the anonymous board or smth, it would be almost completely indistinguishable from a tecpost to me goonish
Quote from: Thyme on June 01, 2017, 04:53:57 AM
on a side note, i feel genuinely dumb around most """adults""" irl, people around my age or slightly older
to me, resourcefulness is not only a form of intelligence, but the most important one
like being able to repair stuff around the house, or on a car
or financial stuff, like investments
or child caring
not to mention dating or other various social interactions
i feel like i'm light years away from most people my age about these things and it makes me feel unintelligent
most people are clueless on these things
Quote from: ADX on June 01, 2017, 09:11:52 AM
Quote from: Thyme on June 01, 2017, 04:53:57 AM
on a side note, i feel genuinely dumb around most """adults""" irl, people around my age or slightly older
to me, resourcefulness is not only a form of intelligence, but the most important one
like being able to repair stuff around the house, or on a car
or financial stuff, like investments
or child caring
not to mention dating or other various social interactions
i feel like i'm light years away from most people my age about these things and it makes me feel unintelligent
most people are clueless on these things
Especially our generation which is sad because we have an insane amount of resources at our disposal
Quote from: antmaster5000 on June 01, 2017, 10:31:53 AM
Especially our generation which is sad because we have an insane amount of resources at our disposal
entitled millennials need to have everything handed over to them on a silver platter
otherwise they sit and let themselves rot, crying and feeling sorry for themselves all the while
kaz
aren't you a writer
i'm pretty sure you're more eloquent than you give yourself credit for
like seriously
it's extremely evident in his speech, especially
>.< it doesn't feel that way to me
Quote from: Snowy on June 01, 2017, 08:57:51 PM
I'm borderline retarded so at least you're smarter than someone
Quote from: Majorana's Mask on May 31, 2017, 11:14:09 PM
Quote from: Nico Yazawa on May 31, 2017, 11:11:43 PM
related: guys how is bluaki such a genius???
srsly
Quote from: ƕɾο on May 31, 2017, 11:15:03 PM
I think we can all agree bluaki is smarter than almost any of us though
I don't even remember doing anything that demonstrates my knowledge here. What makes you all think I'm such a genius?
That said, I am pretty capable with at least STEM academic stuff and with computers and technology in general.
When it comes to knowledge that isn't taught in school, I'm a completely clueless moron. For f
ood, nutrition, cooking, fashion, etiquette, socializing, cleaning, and other household tasks I'm barely functional with my very limited knowledge. I'm clueless about media stuff too like music, TV, and celebrities. Religion too. I guess, since I never really had friends, I've always focused on nothing but school stuff and the technology things I had at home and whatever I happen to stumble on in the internet.
I feel like an elementary school child when I come across a fo
od item or type of clothing that's apparently super common which "everybody" knows about but which I don't even know the name of 5thgrade;
I've had a few occasions where I find out a word that I've known forever actually has a very different pronunciation than I thought since I have so little exposure to spoken English. I had this happen a few months ago for "epitome".
never saw it that way OP, thanks.
Quote from: bluaki on June 03, 2017, 03:10:20 AM
I don't even remember doing anything that demonstrates my knowledge here. What makes you all think I'm such a genius?
That said, I am pretty capable with at least STEM academic stuff and with computers and technology in general.
i personally am most impressed by, and most respect, deep technical knowledge of the purest academic fields (math/hard sciences/logic (a direct derivative of which are the computer sciences))
and to be brief, you have demonstrated a vast, intimate understanding of these subjects on countless occasions
it goes beyond understanding, actually, it seems to be natural intuition for you
weren't you working on some sort of a miniature wolfram alpha type program at some point
entirely on your own
i'm pretty sure you've mentioned something like that here before
and that's freakishly impressive
and before things went south at your old job, you were making a six figure salary at age 23, entirely based off a fundamental understanding of numbers and logic that's ~well~ beyond the abilities of the average university grad, let alone the average person
[spoiler]
tbqh, i seriously envy that particular quality of yours lol
i look up to stem majors :'([/spoiler]
Quote from: bluaki on June 03, 2017, 03:10:20 AM
When it comes to knowledge that isn't taught in school, I'm a completely clueless moron. For food, nutrition,
you may be terribly ignorant when it comes to food and nutrition, but 1. so is everybody else in america, and 2. it's not exactly a hard problem to fix
but otherwise,
Quote from: bluaki on June 03, 2017, 03:10:20 AM
When it comes to knowledge that isn't taught in school, I'm a completely clueless moron. For food, nutrition, cooking, fashion, etiquette, socializing, cleaning, and other household tasks I'm barely functional with my very limited knowledge. I'm clueless about media stuff too like music, TV, and celebrities. Religion too. I guess, since I never really had friends, I've always focused on nothing but school stuff and the technology things I had at home and whatever I happen to stumble on in the internet.
same for me on all counts
Quote from: bluaki on June 03, 2017, 03:10:20 AM
I feel like an elementary school child when I come across a food item or type of clothing that's apparently super common which "everybody" knows about but which I don't even know the name of 5thgrade;
this happens to me too 5thgrade;
Quote from: bluaki on June 03, 2017, 03:10:20 AM
I've had a few occasions where I find out a word that I've known forever actually has a very different pronunciation than I thought since I have so little exposure to spoken English. I had this happen a few months ago for "epitome".
lol
but this happens to me too 5thgrade;
it means you probably read at a higher level than your peers speak
so i'm just as clueless as you are about most of those things, yet i don't have the scientific/mathematical ingenuity to make up for it nyandood;
Quote from: Nico Yazawa on May 31, 2017, 11:11:43 PM
i am also generally stupid when it comes to related fields like most sciences or technological stuff
also this is false
you've demonstrated a remarkable understanding of zoology on multiple occasions
there's times i feel like i dont know a lot even in my field of profession but then attending industry events and shit i realize that i'm pretty knowledgable and talented.
I think it's just a normal psychological effect that, unless someone has a major ego problem (and usually actually knows nothing), they feel like they are really dumb in a subject.
Quote from: Khadafi on June 11, 2017, 11:07:41 AM
there's times i feel like i dont know a lot even in my field of profession but then attending industry events and shit i realize that i'm pretty knowledgable and talented.
I think it's just a normal psychological effect that, unless someone has a major ego problem (and usually actually knows nothing), they feel like they are really dumb in a subject.
yup
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome
Quote from: bluaki on June 03, 2017, 03:10:20 AM
Quote from: Majorana's Mask on May 31, 2017, 11:14:09 PM
Quote from: Nico Yazawa on May 31, 2017, 11:11:43 PM
related: guys how is bluaki such a genius???
srsly
Quote from: ƕɾο on May 31, 2017, 11:15:03 PM
I think we can all agree bluaki is smarter than almost any of us though
I don't even remember doing anything that demonstrates my knowledge here. What makes you all think I'm such a genius?
That said, I am pretty capable with at least STEM academic stuff and with computers and technology in general.
When it comes to knowledge that isn't taught in school, I'm a completely clueless moron. For food, nutrition, cooking, fashion, etiquette, socializing, cleaning, and other household tasks I'm barely functional with my very limited knowledge. I'm clueless about media stuff too like music, TV, and celebrities. Religion too. I guess, since I never really had friends, I've always focused on nothing but school stuff and the technology things I had at home and whatever I happen to stumble on in the internet.
I feel like an elementary school child when I come across a food item or type of clothing that's apparently super common which "everybody" knows about but which I don't even know the name of 5thgrade;
I've had a few occasions where I find out a word that I've known forever actually has a very different pronunciation than I thought since I have so little exposure to spoken English. I had this happen a few months ago for "epitome".
um didnt you like buy a house at age 23 or something
that's unbelievably amazing
have you seen housing prices in florida
Quote from: Majorana's Mask on June 11, 2017, 10:26:21 AM
i personally am most impressed by, and most respect, deep technical knowledge of the purest academic fields (math/hard sciences/logic (a direct derivative of which are the computer sciences))
and to be brief, you have demonstrated a vast, intimate understanding of these subjects on countless occasions
it goes beyond understanding, actually, it seems to be natural intuition for you
Yeah, I guess that's pretty accurate, but I don't really remember saying or doing stuff here that shows it. Maybe I just don't remember a lot of the stuff I say.
Quote from: Majorana's Mask on June 11, 2017, 10:26:21 AM
weren't you working on some sort of a miniature wolfram alpha type program at some point
entirely on your own
i'm pretty sure you've mentioned something like that here before
and that's freakishly impressive
No, I haven't done anything remotely like wolfram alpha. I don't remember ever planning to do anything like that either.
I did make a scientific calculator at least, and I did work on making it do graphing and arbitrary-precision rationals but I don't think I ever finished those things because I got bored.
Quote from: Majorana's Mask on June 11, 2017, 10:26:21 AM
and before things went south at your old job, you were making a six figure salary at age 23, entirely based off a fundamental understanding of numbers and logic that's ~well~ beyond the abilities of the average university grad, let alone the average person
You really overestimate it. I was making $68,000/yr. I doubt I'll ever have a salary that's six figures worth of today-dollars.
I expect my starting salary will be within the realm of $70k+-$5k at whatever job I go to next.
and yeah, I'm well aware my abilities have been well above the average university CS grad. I've always been effortlessly at the top of my class. It wasn't until getting that job that I actually saw some peers being better than me at this stuff, and I doubt I'll see much of that at other companies.
Quote from: Khadafi on June 11, 2017, 03:50:28 PM
have you seen housing prices in florida
My house was $235k at closing. 3 bed (big enough for 4-5 if walls were added), 2 bath, 2440 sqft, built in 2003, pretty good location in a safe suburb pretty close to the things that matter in this city
well if i wanted to be extremely reductive i could very well claim that wolframalpha is, at its base, a highly advanced scientific calculator girl;
yes, i believe the calculator you described is what i had in mind
and yes, i figured you hadn't finished it, otherwise you would have mentioned it
Quote from: Travis on June 11, 2017, 03:40:07 PM
um didnt you like buy a house at age 23 or something
that's unbelievably amazing
Also, this. srsly
[spoiler]
and didn't you grow up relatively poor in the household of an overburdened single mother with few math or computing skills
as in, you first developed your talents almost entirely on your own[/spoiler]
[spoiler]
and then there's the whole trans struggle that you have to contend with on top of everything else
what you've managed to accomplish in spite of what i would say are less than favorable life circumstances is nothing short of astonishing, actually[/spoiler]
[spoiler]
Now please don't jeopardize your great achievements by getting complacent and losing your highly lucrative, highly competitive, highly coveted job. :|[/spoiler]
wtf bluaki owns a house?
Quote from: SVT on June 11, 2017, 06:29:37 PM
wtf bluaki owns a house?
yeah I bought it last october
My roommates decided to suddenly leave and move their separate ways, so I was left having to decide where to live by myself, and I figured out that a mortgage works out to roughly the same monthly payments as rent for any available decent apartments I could find in this area not to mention I like the suburb convenience of noise isolation and having a garage for my car. And I had a good career here that I didn't expect would give me much reason to move in the near future. So I bought a house.
Quote from: bluaki on June 11, 2017, 06:36:16 PM
Quote from: SVT on June 11, 2017, 06:29:37 PM
wtf bluaki owns a house?
yeah I bought it last october
My roommates decided to suddenly leave and move their separate ways, so I was left having to decide where to live by myself, and I figured out that a mortgage works out to roughly the same monthly payments as rent for any available decent apartments I could find in this area not to mention I like the suburb convenience of noise isolation and having a garage for my car. And I had a good career here that I didn't expect would give me much reason to move in the near future. So I bought a house.
that owns. how many bedrooms can i live in ur basement i'll pay rent
Quote from: SVT on June 11, 2017, 06:38:11 PM
Quote from: bluaki on June 11, 2017, 06:36:16 PM
Quote from: SVT on June 11, 2017, 06:29:37 PM
wtf bluaki owns a house?
yeah I bought it last october
My roommates decided to suddenly leave and move their separate ways, so I was left having to decide where to live by myself, and I figured out that a mortgage works out to roughly the same monthly payments as rent for any available decent apartments I could find in this area not to mention I like the suburb convenience of noise isolation and having a garage for my car. And I had a good career here that I didn't expect would give me much reason to move in the near future. So I bought a house.
that owns. how many bedrooms can i live in ur basement i'll pay rent
What's a "basement"? I live in Florida, those things don't exist here.
I just said a few posts back that my house has 3 bedrooms, though the size and layout is such that it could even be converted to fit 5 if I really wanted by just adding two walls.
I use the master bedroom for sleeping and clothes, I use one other bedroom as a home office, and I made the third into a guest bedroom. My second living room (which is bigger than two bedrooms) is mostly empty other than a dining table I threw in the corner that I never use.
Quote from: bluaki on June 11, 2017, 07:08:24 PM
Quote from: SVT on June 11, 2017, 06:38:11 PM
Quote from: bluaki on June 11, 2017, 06:36:16 PM
Quote from: SVT on June 11, 2017, 06:29:37 PM
wtf bluaki owns a house?
yeah I bought it last october
My roommates decided to suddenly leave and move their separate ways, so I was left having to decide where to live by myself, and I figured out that a mortgage works out to roughly the same monthly payments as rent for any available decent apartments I could find in this area not to mention I like the suburb convenience of noise isolation and having a garage for my car. And I had a good career here that I didn't expect would give me much reason to move in the near future. So I bought a house.
that owns. how many bedrooms can i live in ur basement i'll pay rent
What's a "basement"? I live in Florida, those things don't exist here.
I just said a few posts back that my house has 3 bedrooms, though the size and layout is such that it could even be converted to fit 5 if I really wanted by just adding two walls.
I use the master bedroom for sleeping and clothes, I use one other bedroom as a home office, and I made the third into a guest bedroom. My second living room (which is bigger than two bedrooms) is mostly empty other than a dining table I threw in the corner that I never use.
sorry i can only read a sentence and you post long (well written) paragraphs.
i will sleep on the table
Quote from: Travis on June 11, 2017, 03:40:07 PM
um didnt you like buy a house at age 23 or something
that's unbelievably amazing
to be fair, being able to buy a house doesn't necessarily mean anything about being smart or not
Quote from: Majorana's Mask on June 11, 2017, 06:18:56 PM
Also, this. srsly
[spoiler]
and didn't you grow up relatively poor in the household of an overburdened single mother with few math or computing skills
as in, you first developed your talents almost entirely on your own[/spoiler]
[spoiler]
and then there's the whole trans struggle that you have to contend with on top of everything else
what you've managed to accomplish in spite of what i would say are less than favorable life circumstances is nothing short of astonishing, actually[/spoiler]
[spoiler]
Now please don't jeopardize your great achievements by getting complacent and losing your highly lucrative, highly competitive, highly coveted job. :|[/spoiler]
do you realize you're basically describing the point of the quiz that hiro posted last week in this thread (http://boyah.net/forums/index.php/topic,68995.0.html)
you kinda make it sound like my success and ability came from motivation and hard work, but I think it's more like I'm lucky to have a lot of innate talent, enough that just going with the flow (not even proactively striving for success) lets me move up in life
I've always been pretty lazy, although admittedly a huge chunk of that laziness is from from getting bored of things that I don't learn from like the very slow and repetitive school classes I've always had. I had to be very proactive for years to get any trans progress, and lately I had to be proactive about house hunting and now job applications, but every other way I've progressed in life has kinda just been handed to me. I was referred to my last job by my old professor, and I was working with him in the first place because he recruited me from a class that I did well in.
but yeah, you're right, my family situation didn't do much to help. Fairly low income (and pretty careless with it), very little emotional support, and didn't teach me much of anything after early childhood. My family didn't even have its first computer until 2005 when I was 12 years old giggle;
Quote from: Majorana's Mask on June 11, 2017, 10:33:04 AM
Quote from: Nico Yazawa on May 31, 2017, 11:11:43 PM
i am also generally stupid when it comes to related fields like most sciences or technological stuff
also this is false
you've demonstrated a remarkable understanding of zoology on multiple occasions
i dont remember that ever happening lol
i recall you having an interest in dinosaurs and, i think, mollusks, specifically
i could be completely imagining that lol
tec has weirdly specific dreams about boyah y/n
rofl
sometimes cry;
Quote from: Majorana's Mask on June 11, 2017, 09:19:46 PM
i recall you having an interest in dinosaurs and, i think, mollusks, specifically
i could be completely imagining that lol
i mean you're right, i just don't recall displaying a lot of knowledge lol
there are other examples but my memory is fuzzy
you certainly demonstrated more knowledge on the subjects than the average person has lol
IM DUMB OK LET ME HAVE THIS
No. goodjob;
Dinosaurs are cool
I like pachycephalosaurus
smol beans got smol brains
Quote from: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim on June 01, 2017, 04:53:57 AM
on a side note, i feel genuinely dumb around most """adults""" irl, people around my age or slightly older
to me, resourcefulness is not only a form of intelligence, but the most important one
like being able to repair stuff around the house, or on a car
or financial stuff, like investments
or child caring
not to mention dating or other various social interactions
i feel like i'm light years away from most people my age about these things and it makes me feel unintelligent
bringing this one back because i'm having ~night thoughts~ nyandood;
and i have a dumb technological analogy to propose
knowledge is to data what intelligence is to processing power
Because I do have some knowledge. Some people would call it culture. I've always been pretty good in school, at least up to a certain point, that point being when I started to need more processing power, ie. 9th/10th grade Math. I'm aware of certain regional and world events, I've watched some movies and some shows, I know the names of some people, important events, dates, art pieces, music, etc. I can write relatively well - I've even been complimented on it out of the blue by a coworker the other day. I know things. So when for some reason I describe myself as being dumb as a rock, people tend to react in mild shock or disbelief. My dad got even somewhat angry one time, as he compares himself to me, his reasoning being that if I'm not intelligent, then as a high school dropout, what is
he?
Well, he's intelligent, for one. Maybe not for dropping out of high school, I'll give him that, but for the reasons mentioned in my previous post ITT and my analogy.
Processing power is quick thinking. It's being able to think on your feet, adapt, improvise, react in weird or awkward situations, and not stand there staring in empty space with your mouth half-open like a dumb fat fuck who probably looks like he has an actual genuine intellectual disability at that moment. It's knowing what to do in a group where you have to do something with your hands without having to ask what to do next every time you finish a small task. It's having witty remarks and not stutter when you fire them back (actual stutterers notwithstanding, I mean people who usually don't stutter in normal speech). It doesn't even have to be that witty, as long as it at least makes sense.
Hm, I don't really have any more examples, besides the ones in my previous post, though in retrospect some of those may be attributed to knowledge. Though I could also mention driving. I finished my driving class two years ago and at first, the instructions were very knowledge-based. Just rules you have to learn and some very common sense stuff. But then we got to the highway and the instructor was like "so you have to do this and this for some seemingly arbitrary reason because people expect you to this and this or else this and this will happen and people behind you will hate you" and it was going so fast and we were going so literally fast and I was like ???????what?????? and
I crashed the car everything went fine in the end but honestly I don't think I learned anything on this particular day.
Quote from: ADX on June 01, 2017, 09:11:52 AM
most people are clueless on these things
(rip rdx)
I don't know, man. I know it's a cliche that most people feel dumb about something, but I genuinely do believe that the type of quick thinking, adaptivity, social and spatial awareness I'm talking about is something
most normies are competent at. And I'm not. And to me that makes me actually unintelligent.
Quote from: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim on July 08, 2017, 11:17:07 PM
and i have a dumb technological analogy to propose
knowledge is to data what intelligence is to processing power
if it's dumb then i'm offended because i very often am tempted to use the same analogy but i try to limit myself in doing so because i feel like others would find it dumb or nonsensical lol
in fact, you should be the one who's offended that i even consider using the same analogy
[spoiler]
also short-term memory is obv. ram
i guess the gpu would be akin to the occipital lobe befuddlement
one giant, distinct, relatively power-hungry structure dedicated strictly to processing visual information[/spoiler]
Quote from: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim on July 08, 2017, 11:17:07 PMSo when for some reason I describe myself as being dumb as a rock, people tend to react in mild shock or disbelief. My dad got even somewhat angry one time
have you considered that it's because you're probably wrong on this one sillydood;
Quote from: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim on July 08, 2017, 11:17:07 PMand not stand there staring in empty space with your mouth half-open like a dumb fat fuck who probably looks like he has an actual genuine intellectual disability at that moment. It's knowing what to do in a group where you have to do something with your hands without having to ask what to do next every time you finish a small task. It's having witty remarks and not stutter when you fire them back (actual stutterers notwithstanding, I mean people who usually don't stutter in normal speech). It doesn't even have to be that witty, as long as it at least makes sense.
startlingly familiar feels (http://tinyimg.io/i/6ub9rwU.gif)
[spoiler]sometimes i wonder if people think i might be a literal bumbling barely-functioning retard befuddlement
they might not be wrong
it's like i suddenly develop five different speech impediments every time i open my mouth
and oh god, that nervous, obviously fake chuckle-laugh thing i do every ten seconds during the rare face-to-face conversation, as if to seem engaged smithicide;
my reactions to regular human situations are just completely inhuman lol >.<[/spoiler]
Quote from: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim on July 08, 2017, 11:17:07 PM
I finished my driving class two years ago and at first, the instructions were very knowledge-based. Just rules you have to learn and some very common sense stuff. But then we got to the highway and the instructor was like "so you have to do this and this for some seemingly arbitrary reason because people expect you to this and this or else this and this will happen and people behind you will hate you" and it was going so fast and we were going so literally fast and I was like ???????what?????? and I crashed the car everything went fine in the end but honestly I don't think I learned anything on this particular day.
yeah same except i actually did fail the first driving test out of anxiety-enhanced stupidity lol goonish
i wanted to die putindisapproves;
Quote from: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim on July 08, 2017, 11:17:07 PM
Quote from: ADX on June 01, 2017, 09:11:52 AM
most people are clueless on these things
(rip rdx)
I don't know, man. I know it's a cliche that most people feel dumb about something, but I genuinely do believe that the type of quick thinking, adaptivity, social and spatial awareness I'm talking about is something most normies are competent at. And I'm not. And to me that makes me actually unintelligent.
but you're actually wrong about this though lol befuddlement
i genuinely audibly lol'd the other day when you suggested that you couldn't handle something as simple as partitioning an ssd despite having done the same thing on an hdd in the past, because it sounds absurd and is absurd that you, as an experienced web developer, would truly be unable to figure something so simple out
especially with the internet as your disposal, which is perhaps the world's single greatest resource ever, and one you obviously know how to use
what i see here is deep insecurity lol
adx himself (rip :() exhibited a very similar thinking pattern, and it's ultimately what led him to foolishly retreat from boyah (oh god he must genuinely hate me awdood;)
also adx is right in that most people are clueless about those things
everyone's only pretending to be an adult (or at least i tell myself that to help me sleep slightly less restlessly at night 5thgrade;)
i don't even pretend i'm not a manchild though goodjob;
thyme, i'm with you on most of that
i feel truly incompetent, and despite appearing smart to most people, I'm incapable of completing any task without annoying people
the only job I've had where I wasn't looked down on was at a daycare where I had only one co-worker I saw on a daily basis, who was my boss, and required extremely little of me (in fact she encouraged me to just sit at the desk and relax while she did half of the day's activities, i was just there to assist with things like signing kids in, play board games with them, take a small group to the restroom, etc
when that person left and I was told to apply for her position, i was too overwhelmed by the idea and felt that I couldn't do it properly (i'd have to come up with a daily activity for 20-30 elementary school kids and talk to parents if a child did something etc)
sing to your co workers.
i've always thought you came across as very smart kaz
i often feel like i'm probably more intelligent than i present myself to be. idk if i dumb myself down as some sort of defense mechanism or if i'm too afraid that i'll sound too much like an annoying pseudo-intellectual.
it doesn't help that anytime i make a mistake i know it'll be ingrained in the back of my mind forever and i'll build multiple associations to remind myself of that mistake sillydood;
"oops lol i burnt the cookies in the oven that one time so i guess i'm going to remember it and second guess myself every time i bake anything for anyone ever for the rest of my life lol"
Quote from: bluaki on June 11, 2017, 07:19:22 PM
to be fair, being able to buy a house doesn't necessarily mean anything about being smart or not
well at your age, home ownership does indicate that either you're extremely successful, extremely lucky, or absolutely horrible at making sound investments sillydood;
Quote from: bluaki on June 11, 2017, 07:19:22 PM
you kinda make it sound like my success and ability came from motivation and hard work, but I think it's more like I'm lucky to have a lot of innate talent, enough that just going with the flow (not even proactively striving for success) lets me move up in life
well regardless of the source your skills it's still impressive
it's not like anyone can tell whether you worked for them or they're innate lol
Quote from: bluaki on June 11, 2017, 07:19:22 PM
I had to be very proactive to get any progress
this is probably good general life advice goodjob;
Quote from: bluaki on June 11, 2017, 07:19:22 PM
I had to be very proactive to get any progress
Quote from: bluaki on June 11, 2017, 07:19:22 PM
I had to be proactive about house hunting
Quote from: bluaki on June 11, 2017, 07:19:22 PM
and now job applications
i sense a theme here
Quote from: bluaki on June 11, 2017, 07:19:22 PM
but every other way I've progressed in life has kinda just been handed to me
I was referred to my last job by my old professor
and I was working with him in the first place because he recruited me
hmmm, i see, i guess this does just seem like mere happensta--
Quote from: bluaki on June 11, 2017, 07:19:22 PM
he recruited me from a class that I did well in.
Wait a minute. This isn't mere happenstance. befuddlement
you weren't just chosen randomly out of a box
you were proactive and effective enough in that class that you made an impression, obviously
yet you keep dismissing your academic accomplishments as mere happenstance akudood;
Quote from: bluaki on June 11, 2017, 07:19:22 PM
but yeah, you're right, my family situation didn't do much to help. Fairly low income (and pretty careless with it), very little emotional support, and didn't teach me much of anything after early childhood. My family didn't even have its first computer until 2005 when I was 12 years old giggle;
i got my first in 2004 and look where i ended up goodjob;
[spoiler]that is to say, nowhere smithicide;[/spoiler]
kaz frightens and intimidates me with his knowledge
this was recorded in the dossier, actually
[spoiler]
QuoteQuote from: Majorana's Mask on June 06, 2017, 12:45:41 AM
CLASSIFICATION: TOP SECRET
[[[LORD KAZM]]] DOSSIER
- Said to be violent and intimidating in private
[/spoiler]
Quote from: Majorana's Mask on July 10, 2017, 04:18:51 PM
Quote from: bluaki on June 11, 2017, 07:19:22 PM
I had to be very proactive to get any progress
Quote from: bluaki on June 11, 2017, 07:19:22 PM
I had to be proactive about house hunting
Quote from: bluaki on June 11, 2017, 07:19:22 PM
and now job applications
i sense a theme here
Two of those are very recent (less than a year ago), meaning the only thing left that I seriously worked towards until recently was my gender transition.
and that doesn't really have anything to do with financial success. At least I'm alive, I guess.
Also, the job hunting was ultimately pointless, since this job that I'm in now was basically handed to me after my former boss referred me.
Quote from: Majorana's Mask on July 10, 2017, 04:18:51 PM
Quote from: bluaki on June 11, 2017, 07:19:22 PM
he recruited me from a class that I did well in.
Wait a minute. This isn't mere happenstance. befuddlement
you weren't just chosen randomly out of a box
you were proactive and effective enough in that class that you made an impression, obviously
yet you keep dismissing your academic accomplishments as mere happenstance akudood;
I listened to the lectures that I had to attend and I fulfilled just the minimum requirements for the assignments, but I even outright skipped a few of them. That's not very far from "I'll avoid failing" levels of effort. Plenty of my classmates put much more serious effort in that class (and every other class I took) than I did.
I got an A in that class, but the numbers didn't make sense and I don't think I should've.
So yeah, I think it's fair to say the only reason I made an impression is my talent, not really effort.
Quote from: Himu on July 10, 2017, 04:15:35 PM
i often feel like i'm probably more intelligent than i present myself to be. idk if i dumb myself down as some sort of defense mechanism or if i'm too afraid that i'll sound too much like an annoying pseudo-intellectual.
i feel like women do this a lot
Quote from: Himu on July 10, 2017, 04:15:35 PM
it doesn't help that anytime i make a mistake i know it'll be ingrained in the back of my mind forever and i'll build multiple associations to remind myself of that mistake sillydood;
"oops lol i burnt the cookies in the oven that one time so i guess i'm going to remember it and second guess myself every time i bake anything for anyone ever for the rest of my life lol"
gf does this one too >.<
Quote from: Himu on July 10, 2017, 04:15:35 PM
it doesn't help that anytime i make a mistake i know it'll be ingrained in the back of my mind forever and i'll build multiple associations to remind myself of that mistake sillydood;
"oops lol i burnt the cookies in the oven that one time so i guess i'm going to remember it and second guess myself every time i bake anything for anyone ever for the rest of my life lol"
I thought this happens to everyone confuseddood;
I do this all the time
i do it too lol
and perhaps excessive apologizing
and just general deference to whoever the conversation partner is
Quote from: Himu on July 10, 2017, 04:15:35 PM
it doesn't help that anytime i make a mistake i know it'll be ingrained in the back of my mind forever and i'll build multiple associations to remind myself of that mistake sillydood;
and yup
Quote from: Himu on July 10, 2017, 04:15:35 PM
"oops lol i burnt the cookies in the oven that one time so i guess i'm going to remember it and second guess myself every time i bake anything for anyone ever for the rest of my life lol"
and yep
the healthy way to handle this, of course, would be to assess the post-mistake environment, figure out where the mistake was made or what caused the mistake to be made, and then incorporate that information into a slightly modified strategy for dealing with similar situations in the future
but when you instinctively just start blaming yourself it's extremely difficult to learn
it's supposed to be a process of
trial -> error -> learn -> trial -> lesser/no error -> learn -> trial...
but the self-doubt that emerges after an error wastes processing power (to use thyme's analogy) and instead yields:
trial -> error -> insecurity -> program hang
Cooking stresses me the hell out because of past imperfections I hate that shit hocuspocus;
Somehow I still like baking tho. I guess it's easier
Quote from: bluaki on July 10, 2017, 04:50:54 PM
Two of those are very recent (less than a year ago), meaning the only thing left that I seriously worked towards until recently was my gender transition.
forgive me for making a bold assertion but i would bet that you were miserably depressed in the months and years before beginning hrt goodjob;
and probably even for months after starting
and that would certainly make you less likely to want to seriously work towards anything
until recentlyQuote from: bluaki on July 10, 2017, 04:50:54 PM
and that doesn't really have anything to do with financial success. At least I'm alive, I guess.
i lol'd
home ownership is an obvious result of financial success
your career itself has been quite a financial success
Quote from: bluaki on July 10, 2017, 04:50:54 PM
since this job that I'm in now was basically handed to me after my former boss referred me.
irrelephant
you were still proactive even if ultimately your
new job wasn't the
direct result of your own proactivity lol
Quote from: bluaki on July 10, 2017, 04:50:54 PM
I listened to the lectures that I had to attend and I fulfilled just the minimum requirements for the assignments, but I even outright skipped a few of them. That's not very far from "I'll avoid failing" levels of effort. Plenty of my classmates put much more serious effort in that class (and every other class I took) than I did.
I got an A in that class, but the numbers didn't make sense and I don't think I should've.
So yeah, I think it's fair to say the only reason I made an impression is my talent, not really effort.
you and i both know that the correlation between effort and success is not a linear relationship lol
you may have put in bare minimal effort, but you still succeeded regardless
and i'm sure you feel pretty [glow=black,2,300]smug[/glow] about those classmates of yours who put in (seemingly) huge amounts of effort yet have much lower grades
the point is, completely irrespective of effort, you left and impression and that's why you were chosen
in fact, that fact that you make it seem so effort
less probably contributed to why your professor was so impressed
natural talent is in and of itself impressive
[spoiler]
as a talentless hack, my life strategy has been to put in zero effort and therefore get zero results, because the thought of putting actual effort into something and possibly still failing absolutely terrifies me (http://tinyimg.io/i/NdTZ8aN.gif)[/spoiler]
Quote from: Majorana's Mask on July 10, 2017, 05:48:18 PM
Quote from: bluaki on July 10, 2017, 04:50:54 PM
and that doesn't really have anything to do with financial success. At least I'm alive, I guess.
i lol'd
home ownership is an obvious result of financial success
your career itself has been quite a financial success
that wasn't really meant to be a joke
I meant my gender transition has nothing to do with my financial success, other than maybe reducing my risk of death.
[spoiler=not funny]
I've never been suicidal, but the depression from being trans and untreated was really serious, way beyond what I've ever expressed or what I'm even capable of expressing. I probably wouldn't have ever done it, but I think it was a nonzero risk. My coping strategy of suppressing all my emotions probably would've burst eventually.
I'm also probably less likely to be killed if I pass, which is way more feasible if I actually get treatment[/spoiler]
Quote from: Majorana's Mask on July 10, 2017, 05:48:18 PM
forgive me for making a bold assertion but i would bet that you were miserably depressed in the months and years before beginning hrt goodjob;
and probably even for months after starting
and that would certainly make you less likely to want to seriously work towards anything until recently
That would make sense, but I think it's more like just out of necessity. I need a place to live and I need an income so that I can afford my place to live.
Well, I had kinda already been planning to get a house eventually, but it was necessity (losing my roommates and apartment) that pushed it forward and gave me the motivation to actually put forth the effort of searching in a timely manner. The reason I planned to in the first place was just that I had a seemingly-stable job with a good income so I could afford it; I don't think being less depressed played a role there.
The explanation you just gave is at least probably right on the mark regarding how I've been approaching my friendships lately, at least. It's like I actually care about people now and don't want to avoid everything.
I feel like this all the time
Quote from: bluaki on July 10, 2017, 07:48:07 PM
that wasn't really meant to be a joke
I meant my gender transition has nothing to do with my financial success, other than maybe reducing my risk of death.
I doubly misread you here. I thought you were being hyperbolic about your financial situation, it sounded like the sort of #tecworldproblems misery-framed-in-bad-humor partial-joke-but-not-really-a-joke comment I might make. I certainly wouldn't laugh at any part of your trans struggle unless you were
very clearly being facetious. :'(
Quote from: bluaki on July 10, 2017, 07:48:07 PM
[spoiler=not funny]
I've never been suicidal, but the depression from being trans and untreated was really serious, way beyond what I've ever expressed or what I'm even capable of expressing. I probably wouldn't have ever done it, but I think it was a nonzero risk. My coping strategy of suppressing all my emotions probably would've burst eventually.
[/spoiler]
you have never been anything other than stoic on boyah so i personally never had any major reason to think you didn't have things at least somewhat under control
in retrospect, it's obvious that your stoicism is almost certainly a learned emotional numbness, as a coping mechanism for the struggle of being trans in addition to literally everything else
i know that no part of that is ever truly easy, especially when your support network is limited :(
forgive me if i sometimes come off as flippant or tactless
[spoiler=feel free to ignore]
do you have a therapist for dealing with non-trans issues
i'm 100% certain the answer is no
you should probably change that, because you sound like you have
double depression
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysthymia#Causes[/spoiler]
[spoiler]actually, did your trans-issues therapist ever do anything more for you than verify that you are mentally competent enough to begin the hrt regimen befuddlement
[/spoiler]
Quote from: bluaki on July 10, 2017, 07:48:07 PM
[spoiler=not funny]
I'm also probably less likely to be killed if I pass, which is way more feasible if I actually get treatment[/spoiler]
that's an extremely blunt way of putting it, but yes, it's true, passing privilege exists and you're far less likely to face significant discrimination once you're at the point where nobody questions you
there's pretty much a perfect inverse relationship between degree of passing and degree of discrimination one might face
Quote from: bluaki on July 10, 2017, 07:48:07 PM
Quote from: Majorana's Mask on July 10, 2017, 05:48:18 PM
forgive me for making a bold assertion but i would bet that you were miserably depressed in the months and years before beginning hrt goodjob;
and probably even for months after starting
and that would certainly make you less likely to want to seriously work towards anything until recently
That would make sense, but I think it's more like just out of necessity. I need a place to live and I need an income so that I can afford my place to live.
Well, I had kinda already been planning to get a house eventually, but it was necessity (losing my roommates and apartment) that pushed it forward and gave me the motivation to actually put forth the effort of searching in a timely manner. The reason I planned to in the first place was just that I had a seemingly-stable job with a good income so I could afford it; I don't think being less depressed played a role there.
The explanation you just gave is at least probably right on the mark regarding how I've been approaching my friendships lately, at least. It's like I actually care about people now and don't want to avoid everything.
everyone needs a place to live and an income blu, lol
but some would have chosen to stay at home with their mother (see: me)
you should be proud of yourself for having been able to make your own friends, it's still not something i've narrowed down lol
Quote from: Majorana's Mask on July 10, 2017, 10:48:59 PM
I doubly misread you here. I thought you were being hyperbolic about your financial situation, it sounded like the sort of #tecworldproblems misery-framed-in-bad-humor partial-joke-but-not-really-a-joke comment I might make. I certainly wouldn't laugh at any part of your trans struggle unless you were very clearly being facetious. :'(
Yeah, I could tell that's what you saw it as, which is why I clarified it the way I did
Quote from: Majorana's Mask on July 10, 2017, 10:48:59 PM
Quote from: bluaki on July 10, 2017, 07:48:07 PM
[spoiler=not funny]
I've never been suicidal, but the depression from being trans and untreated was really serious, way beyond what I've ever expressed or what I'm even capable of expressing. I probably wouldn't have ever done it, but I think it was a nonzero risk. My coping strategy of suppressing all my emotions probably would've burst eventually.
[/spoiler]
you have never been anything other than stoic on boyah so i personally never had any major reason to think you didn't have things at least somewhat under control
in retrospect, it's obvious that your stoicism is almost certainly a learned emotional numbness, as a coping mechanism for the struggle of being trans in addition to literally everything else
Well yeah, that does still count as "having things at least somewhat under control"
One of the things that helped keep me sane (relatively speaking) was hope. I'm a generally pessimistic person, but I still held onto hope that things would get better in the future. If I gave up on ever getting treatment (which would've been understandable after all the obstacles I went through), that'd basically cause a worst-case scenario for my sanity.
I'm pretty sure my case of dysphoria is an extreme one. Most transpeople aren't nearly that bad (especially now that being trans is almost trendy, wtf)
Quote from: Majorana's Mask on July 10, 2017, 10:48:59 PM
[spoiler=feel free to ignore]
do you have a therapist for dealing with non-trans issues
i'm 100% certain the answer is no
you should probably change that, because you sound like you have double depression
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysthymia#Causes[/spoiler]
[spoiler]actually, did your trans-issues therapist ever do anything more for you than verify that you are mentally competent enough to begin the hrt regimen befuddlement
[/spoiler]
Since 3.5 years ago, I don't have any therapist at all.
I went to a non-trans-issues therapist for a little while in something like 2006, and I think the reason was something like depression or stress. I can't clearly remember anything that far back, but I'm pretty sure I was too afraid to admit I'm trans and nothing meaningful came from those visits. No prescriptions, probably no diagnosis of anything.
I actually don't even remember that much detail about my visits ~4 years ago to the therapist I went to for trans issues. She asked me about a lot of gender dysphoria symptoms that I could tell were from the DSM. She asked me about other mental illness symptoms too to verify there was nothing else wrong. Among these, I specifically remember telling her that my ongoing depressive feelings can be entirely attributed to my gender dysphoria - that I don't have clinical depression.
Of course, I never told her the detail I just mentioned in my last post goodjob;
[spoiler]I seriously do believe that I don't have any other major issues, but I strongly wanted to avoid letting her suspect I had anything else, since I knew that would interfere with my ability to get treatment for being trans.
She did ask about family issues and friendship issues too. I think she offered to help me with makeup or something but I never ended up taking it. I got the impression she wanted to help me with stuff like coping, accepting it, setting expectations, and other stuff like that, but I knew I'm trans for so long before then that I figured it out myself way beforehand.
After the last visit, she referred me to a coworker of hers, who ended up trying to informally test me for autism and then told me to leave and go to somebody who specializes in it to get formally tested, which I refused. I tried like 6-8 other therapists right after that; most of them weren't accepting patients and the others either can't deal with trans issues or were under-qualified to be of any help to me.
I'm in a good enough mental state that I don't need ongoing therapist visits. I think they're supposed to be required to continue getting hormone therapy, but my current doctor just accepted the old therapist letter I had without questions so I haven't bothered. I'll need more approvals again to get surgery, so I guess I'll try seeking again later this year.[/spoiler]
Quote from: bluaki on July 12, 2017, 05:30:59 PM
Quote from: Majorana's Mask on July 10, 2017, 10:48:59 PM
you have never been anything other than stoic on boyah so i personally never had any major reason to think you didn't have things at least somewhat under control
in retrospect, it's obvious that your stoicism is almost certainly a learned emotional numbness, as a coping mechanism for the struggle of being trans in addition to literally everything else
Well yeah, that does still count as "having things at least somewhat under control"
i suppose it does, but only with regard to everything that isn't directly related to you personally
Quote from: bluaki on July 12, 2017, 05:30:59 PM
One of the things that helped keep me sane (relatively speaking) was hope. I'm a generally pessimistic person, but I still held onto hope that things would get better in the future. If I gave up on ever getting treatment (which would've been understandable after all the obstacles I went through), that'd basically cause a worst-case scenario for my sanity.
i'm almost disturbed by how familiar this particular line sounds lol
yes, to give up would have been a worst-case scenario, so thank goodness you didn't
Quote from: bluaki on July 12, 2017, 05:30:59 PM
I'm pretty sure my case of dysphoria is an extreme one. Most transpeople aren't nearly that bad
Out of curiosity, any speculation as to why that might be? What makes you think that "most transpeople aren't nearly that bad"? befuddlement
Quote from: bluaki on July 12, 2017, 05:30:59 PM
(especially now that being trans is almost trendy, wtf)
i'm sure that's as amazing as it is somewhat embittering for last-generation transfolk who had both less advanced medicine and lesser access to medicine, as well as much lower social acceptance
they seem to start younger and younger these days, and even those who may be uncertain have puberty blockers so as not to miss that ideal window of opportunity
Quote from: bluaki on July 12, 2017, 05:30:59 PM
I specifically remember telling her that my ongoing depressive feelings can be entirely attributed to my gender dysphoria - that I don't have clinical depression.
[spoiler]I seriously do believe that I don't have any other major issues
I'm in a good enough mental state that I don't need ongoing therapist visits.[/spoiler]
Are you trying to convince me here, or yourself? akudood;
because to be blunt, i'm not convinced
Quote from: bluaki on July 12, 2017, 05:30:59 PM
Since 3.5 years ago, I don't have any therapist at all.
She asked me about other mental illness symptoms too to verify there was nothing else wrong.
Of course, I never told her the detail I just mentioned in my last post goodjob;
[spoiler]but I strongly wanted to avoid letting her suspect I had anything else, since I knew that would interfere with my ability to get treatment for being trans.
I think they're supposed to be required to continue getting hormone therapy, but my current doctor just accepted the old therapist letter I had without questions so I haven't bothered.[/spoiler]
blu, this is extremely bad
the core transitioning phase is, ~i'm guessing~, the most critical period of your life thus far, and you really shouldn't insist on going through it completely alone
especially considering the depression/mental illness stats among lgbt individuals and especially transfolk, which you know are extremely dire
and honestly, judging by the rare occasions in which you speak of yourself here, you absolutely exhibit at least a few of the obvious symptoms of depression/anxiety/etc., even post-hrt
of course, it's not exactly my place to tell you that, but do you know who could rule that possibility out
a mental health specialist akudood;
what exactly do you have to lose in seeking expert opinions, especially since this:
Quote from: bluaki on July 12, 2017, 05:30:59 PM
[spoiler]but I strongly wanted to avoid letting her suspect I had anything else, since I knew that would interfere with my ability to get treatment for being trans.[/spoiler]
is probably no longer an issue
literally everyone in your situation is immensely depressed lol goodjob;
medical professionals know and expect you to be, and they're not going to postpone the one and only treatment they know could alleviate some of that depression as part of some backwards strategy for treating depression
so yes, it absolutely should be a requirement that you regularly see a mental health specialist during the transitioning period, and the fact that you aren't is absolutely bonkers
Quote from: bluaki on July 12, 2017, 05:30:59 PM
She asked me about a lot of gender dysphoria symptoms that I could tell were from the DSM. She asked me about other mental illness symptoms too to verify there was nothing else wrong. Among these, I specifically remember telling her that my ongoing depressive feelings can be entirely attributed to my gender dysphoria - that I don't have clinical depression.
are you offended that she came off as cold and impersonal or something lol
i mean, the dsm is a diagnostic tool, she used it exactly as it should be used: take patient's input/symptoms and compare to dsm entries
[spoiler]
1. A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics
2. A strong desire to be rid of one’s primary and/or secondary sex characteristics
3. A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender
4. A strong desire to be of the other gender
5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender
6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender[/spoiler]
if something like that is what she read to you, then yeah, that's because it's exactly you lol
your case may be an "extreme" one but your condition isn't a unique one, so you can't be too upset if specialists don't necessarily treat you as unique in this particular regard
i get it, though, she could probably have displayed some more humanity or personal interest in
you and not your condition
...but it sounds like she tried to do that
Quote from: bluaki on July 12, 2017, 05:30:59 PM
[spoiler]I think she offered to help me with makeup or something but I never ended up taking it. I got the impression she wanted to help me with stuff like coping, accepting it, setting expectations, and other stuff like that, but I knew I'm trans for so long before then that I figured it out myself way beforehand.[/spoiler]
and you denied her the opportunity akudood;
Do you realize that you are seeking a lot of the same advice here now that you probably could have gotten years ago if you had kept up with those therapy sessions? myface;
i mean of course she wanted to help that's her job and that's why you were there
the fact that you knew you are trans doesn't at all mean that you know how to properly use makeup, how to properly cope, how to properly accept, how to set expectations, etc.
Quote from: bluaki on July 12, 2017, 05:30:59 PM
[spoiler]
After the last visit, she referred me to a coworker of hers, who ended up trying to informally test me for autism and then told me to leave and go to somebody who specializes in it to get formally tested, which I refused.[/spoiler]
i can understand why you would refuse
but the reason she did that is because there
is indeed a curiously high correlation between transgenderism and autism
https://autismawarenesscentre.com/autism-transgender-gender-dysphoria/
you should read that in full, some parts of it may come off as disturbing but it's quite informational
i don't necessarily get an autistic vibe from you, and even if you do have autistic traits, they're probably of the savantism kind that help you much more than hurt you lol
but that specific link between dysphoria and autism is why she wanted to have you tested