Boyah Noir
There are over a thousand stories to tell in Boyah Noir... But we'll focus on the adventure of JMV, the hard boiled P.I. with a case that will test his limits. Will he pass or will he fail? Let us discover.
ok
YAY
Sounds good so far. shlick;
Prologue: The Prologue
Blood splattered against the grimy wall. Mariofreak shouted in pain. The punches continued and more blood spilled out of Mariofreak. He pleaded, "Please... Let me live... I'll do anything!" The hidden man smoked a cigarette and said, "You should have done what we told you to do, Mariofreak... Continue the torture, henchman." Mariofreak screamed as his leg was broken. The hidden man smiled as his henchman crushed Mariofreak's kneecap.
The hidden man said, "You know, a Merlot '23 would go great for this occasion. Would you like some, Mariofreak? It's delicious. Henchman, move aside." The hidden man broke the bottle in two and sliced Mariofreak's throat. The hidden man said, "Bring the body to the trash compactor and throw the trash compactor into the river. We can't let anyone find the body. Our plan must go along as scheduled." The large henchman nodded and grabbed Mariofreak's limp and lifeless body. The hidden man grabbed the bottom of the broken glass and poured it into a glass. He smirked, "Bottoms up..."
Poor Mariofreak. So young... edumacate;
Quote from: Andrew1911 on September 17, 2007, 10:26:12 PM
Prologue: The Prologue
Blood splattered against the grimy wall. Mariofreak shouted in pain. The punches continued and more blood spilled out of Mariofreak. He pleaded, "Please... Let me live... I'll do anything!" The hidden man smoked a cigarette and said, "You should have done what we told you to do, Mariofreak... Continue the torture, henchman." Mariofreak screamed as his leg was broken. The hidden man smiled as his henchman crushed Mariofreak's kneecap.
The hidden man said, "You know, a Merlot '23 would go great for this occasion. Would you like some, Mariofreak? It's delicious. Henchman, move aside." The hidden man broke the bottle in two and sliced Mariofreak's throat. The hidden man said, "Bring the body to the trash compactor and throw the trash compactor into the river. We can't let anyone find the body. Our plan must go along as scheduled." The large henchman nodded and grabbed Mariofreak's limp and lifeless body. The hidden man grabbed the bottom of the broken glass and poured it into a glass. He smirked, "Bottoms up..."
keke;
Chapter One: The First Chapter
James Melon Vanderweilt was smoking a cigarette while reading the Daily Boyager paper. Apparently, the day of October 3rd would now be known as FDR Day. That FDR... JMV needed a customer or he would have to go back to being a busboy. He still remembered the screams and yells of the customers... Complaining that they were not finished eating yet... Putting peanut butter onto the dishes to make sure he would drop them... The horrors he had witnessed... All those things that he had done... JMV snapped out of his flashback when he heard a knock on the door.
JMV ran to his desk and put out his cigarette. He cleared his throat and said badassly, "Come in." An older woman came in wearing expensive clothing and jewerly. She said, "Are you JMV, the private eye?" JMV lit up another cigarette and said, "I am JMV, the private eye. What's your business? Kitten lost in a tree? Light bulb won't go on? Husband's fucking around with another woman? Or man? The latter has happened before. You'd be surprised how much it happens." The woman sighed, "No, it's none of those... But, it is about my husband. He's gone missing recently and I'm worried! I need you to find out where he is!"
JMV said, "Why don't you ask the police? I'm not a missing persons kind of guy." The woman said, "I'll give you fifty thousand dollars." JMV dropped his lit cigarette in his lap and screamed, "Jesus ballfucking Christ! My pants! Ow! Fifty thousand? Jesus, lady, you really want your husband back! You've got a deal!" The woman said, "I'll give you half now with instructions and the other half when you find my husband." JMV grabbed the twenty five thousand from the lady and placed the money in his desk. The woman walked towards the door and said, "Oh and I'd put balm on that area."
JMV looked at the instructins and saw that the last place she saw her husband was at the Boyah Hospital. Her husband's name was Von Mariofreak.
Chapter Two: Another Chapter
JMV grabbed his trademark grey fedora with a white streak in the middle and grabbed the cigarette he had dropped in his lap and put it in his mouth to smoke. He ran out of his office and walked over to the trolley. He walked up to the trolley man and asked, "How much is it?" The trolley man answered, "Fifty cents and that's exact change, mister." JMV had five dollars and no change. JMV said, "I don't suppose you would take a five." The trolley man laughed, "Ha, ha, ha! No, I won't! Quick, Dave! Drive, drive! Ha, ha, ha!" JMV loathed that trolley man with the entire being of his soul. He waited a moment for the trolley to pass, ran to the back of the trolley, and hopped on.
JMV hopped off when they reached the Boyah Hospital. Before the trolley could drive off, JMV ran to the trolley man and laughed in his face. The trolley man screamed, "I'll get you, JMV! If it's the last thing I ever do, I will get you!" JMV ran to the hospital while laughing manically. He walked into the lobby and over to the information desk. The nurse said, "What's the matter with you? Gun shot? Knife wound? Broken leg? Can't get it up?" JMV said, "For your information, I have no wounds and all of my limbs are fine. Repeat, ALL of my limbs are fine. I'm here to find Dr. Von Mariofreak. My cousin recommended him for... Uh... My brain. See, it's all out of wack sometimes, Miss?" The nurse said without a smile, "My name's Hime." JMV smiled and said, "Ah, Hime the nurse. So, Hime... Do you know where that pesky doctor is?" Hime said, "That "pesky" doctor is the best doctor we have on staff. He's also been missing for two days. Now, if you don't have any problems, you can just go back out and get stabbed by someone." JMV asked, "You wouldn't happen to know any place where he might have gone to?" Nurse Hime answered, "The only place I can think of is the Roast Duck Club in Chinatown. Now, leave me alone, please. I have a ton of work to do since he's missing." JMV asked, "So, after work... Do you want to go to this Roast Duck Club?" Nurse Hime scoffed, "I'd rather get stabbed." JMV muttered as he left, "That can be arranged..." He hopped onto the back of a trolley and awaited Chinatown.
Finally, the trolley reached the Roast Duck Club and JMV entered. He looked around for a bartender. They were always the source of fun information. He walked up to a bartender and said, "Gimme a scotch on the rock." The bartender said, "It's eleven in the morning..." JMV said, "Hm... You're right. I should be drunk by now. Better make it two." The bartender made the drinks and JMV drank the first one with quick speed. He asked, "So, did you work here two nights ago?" The bartender raised his eyebrow and said suspciously, "Yes..." JMV said, "Just asking cause my wife was here yesterday. I think she might be having an affair. Did you see some rich doctor fellow come in?" The bartender said, "Maybe I did... Maybe I didn't..." JMV knew how to deal and slipped him five dollars. The bartender said, "Dr. Von Mariofreak is his name. He was here with the usual gang." JMV became suspicious and asked, "Usual gang? What's that? Gangbangers?" The bartender said, "You know what I mean... The Mafia..." JMV said, "Jesus... Not the mob... Did the good doctor ever leave here?" The bartender answered, "In a way..." JMV said, "Thanks for the drinks and the information. I have somewhere I need to go."
coool
You fit my "bitch under a lot of stress" personality so well. caterpie;
Chapter Three: Part Three
JMV walked outside, pulled out a cigarette, and his lighter. His hands were shaking as he lit the cigarette. JMV had too many encounters with the Mob to comfortable. Now, JMV knew what Imp had been doing and he could finally finish this damn case. JMV looked at the directions to make sure he had completed his orders. He was dismayed when he read, "You won't recieve any money unless you find my husband's body if he is dead." JMV cursed in his mind and jumped onto another trolley to go to his destination. After several minutes, JMV got off at the Rotten Fish Club. This place had so many memories...
It was 1926. The Mob was out giving alcohol to the needy adults of Boyah. JMV was an enforcer for the Mob, beating people down... Stealing money from others... Taking candy from babies (Literally. The Mob boss wanted candy from a baby)... JMV hated the Mob but, in those years, he was quaint from his position. The moment where JMV changed his sides was on a brisk December night... JMV and his partner, Wrenchninja, had orders to torch a barber shop. Wrenchninja was reluctant to do it but, in the end, JMV convinced him to go. The money was too good. The two threw a couple of molotov cocktails into the barber shops. JMV lit a cigarette using the fire from the barber shop. The horror happened a few moments after, though. Two children came running out... They were on fire. They died on the spot. JMV dropped his cigarette and watched in horror as they died. Wrenchninja cried and screamed to God why he would do something like that. JMV heard sirens in the distance and tried to convince Wrenchninja to move. Wrenchninja just laid on the ground... JMV heard the sirens getting closer and decided to leave his friend for the fuzz. That night haunted JMV for the rest of his night and he decided that the Mob was not right for him. Wrenchninja was executed a few days after. JMV never got a chance to say good-bye.
Back in the present, JMV walked into the bar and looked for his old mob boss, Andrew1911. JMV saw him, crowded around by various henchmen. JMV said, "Anjew... Long time, no see." Andrew1911 said, "Ah, JMV... One of my best henchmen. Shame that you had to leave us high and dry. Heh, get it? See, I was making a reference to alcohol there. Eh, it's lost on the stupid. So, what event has forced you to come back into the filth of the Mob, JMV?" JMV said, "Let me get to the point, Anjew. You had someone off Mariofreak. I want to know why," Andrew1911 said, "Ah, JMV... Come into my office." Andrew1911 stood up and beckoned two henchmen over to his position. He brought the three into his office which was located in an alley. JMV said, "You moved your office into an alley? It's fitting for your trash. So, I take it, you two are going to beat the shit out of me. I also take it that the lump in the bag is the remains of our mutual acquaintance, Dr. Mariofreak. So, you're going to frame me for the murder. Fantastic." Andrew1911 clapped slowly and said, "You win the prize, dear boy. Everyone in the bar will claim they saw Imp and you argue a few hours ago. We have also found a reason why Mariofreak would be missing for two days."
JMV sighed, "At least, let me smoke a cigarette." Andrew1911 said, "I see no harm." JMV took out a cigarette and lit it, puffing in the rich taste of nicotine. Andrew1911 said, "No hard feelings. It's just business. The cops should be coming here in thirty minutes. I say, we'll just need a five minute beating. Have fun, Bluto and Bluto." Andrew1911 left JMV with the company of Bluto and Bluto. JMV said, "Bluto and Bluto? What a lame name." Bluto and Bluto screeched and punched JMV as hard as they possible could. JMV's blood splattered across the wall as the punches came. A few minutes later, the horrific beating was over and the two henchmen let Imp's body out of the bag. They placed a shattered bottle in the barely conscious JMV's hand. The two laughed as they walked back in the bar. JMV had a few minutes before the cops came. He had a chance. He tried to feel his legs. There was some feeling there. He stood up and fell back down. He held in the urge to not scream and crawled out of the alley. He heard the sound of a trolley and crawled as hard as he could. Unfortunately, the trolley that pulled up was the trolley man JMV loathed. The trolley man laughed, "Hey, Dave! It's JMV! Laugh at him! Laugh! Stupid bastard." The trolley drove away but JMV mustered all the strength in his body to grab a hold of the back end of the trolley. He crawled onto it and waited for the hospital. When the trolley moved out, he could hear police sirens over at the bar. Andrew1911 underestimated him.
Finally, JMV dropped off the trolley and yelled in pain. The trolley man heard JMV's struggles and screamed, "God dammit! One day! One day, JMV! Bam! Zoom! Straight to the moon!" JMV rolled all the way into the hospital and made it to the information desk. JMV barely muttered, "Hime the nurse... Are you there? I think I am in need of assistance." Hime looked under her desk and saw JMV, brutually beaten. She screamed, "Stat! We've got a brutually beaten patient here!" An hour later, JMV was stitched up. He had a few broken ribs but that was about it. He had to leave before the cops figured he might show up here. Also, he didn't have any money to pay the hospital. JMV said, "God dammit, I need to plan this better. Now, where would I go if I was a thieving Jew mob bastard?" JMV broke the window in his hospital room and dropped down. Unfortunately, it was two stories high so JMV hit the ground hard. He want off in search of a certain thieving Jew mob bastard.
READ IT CUNTS
bumpz
good so far, but you better finish this one, you rat bastard.
Chapter Four: The Crest Letter
As JMV was running to the next trolley, he remembered something... He left his trademark fedora in the damn alley! JMV said to himself, "Shit. Shit on a stick." He hopped on the back of the trolley to Andrew1911's hideout. The police should be gone by now and Andrew1911 shouldn't be execting JMV back so soon... The trolley pulled over to Andrew1911's joint and JMV hopped off. He looked around for any signs of the fuzz. They were not there. He also noticed the alley where he was brutually beaten had removed all traces of what had happened there. The police had to have come.
JMV snuck over to the back entrance and crept in the doggy door. There were busboys there but they were too busy washing all of Andrew1911's stains. It was a seven man job. JMV crept past the seven busboys struggling with Andrew1911's sheet and saw Bluto & Bluto getting drunk. They were about to sing Sinatra's song, "New York New York". JMV did not plan on getting his ear drums raped so he looked around for Andrew1911's office. After several seconds, Andrew1911 emerged from his lair, looking to get drunk after his hard day of killing people. JMV took this opportunity to quickly creep into his office.
When he first entered, he found his fedora on the desk. JMV didn't waste any time getting his rightful property back and placed it firmly on his head. JMV looked around for any papers regarding Impavido. Strangely enough, he found it on a paper with the Crest logo on the top of it. What JMV read shocked and disturbed him more than anything in his entire life...
From the office of: Miles Kaz, CEO of Crest
Dear Mr. Andrew1911,
I am Miles Kaz, CEO of Crest. As you know, we are trying a new advertising campaign where we say that all doctors prefer the use of Crest to whiten their teeth. Unfortunately, one rogue doctor who goes by the name of Von Mariofreak decided that Crest is not good enough for his Christian teeth. By the name of the Lord and savior, we cannot let this rogue doctor go about slandering our good name, Mr. Andrew1911.
Now, I know you are a Jew but desperate times call for desperate measures. We must have all doctors support the Crest brand over all other brands. We cannot have the simple customer thinking that the subpar Colgate is actually better than Crest, now, can we? If you don't see our certain way, Mr. Andrew1911, how does five hundred thousand dollars sound? We need this, Mr. Andrew1911. The fair company of Crest depends on your help.
If you choose to disclose this letter with the police, I am afraid that I will have to show this certain picture of a certain someone having intercourse with a specific person who is not that certain someone's wife. Catch my drift, Mr. Andrew1911? Now, kill Von Mariofreak and you shall be handsomely rewarded.
Love,
Miles Kaz
Chapter Five: Christians, Guns, and Trampolines! Oh, my!
JMV dragged Andrew1911's body to the streets and saw a trolley. From a distance, he could make up the shape of some asshole... Must be that trolley jerk. JMV silently crept behind the trolley and placed Andrew1911's body on the back. Before JMV could hop on, the trolley began to drive off. JMV ran as fast he could but that trolley was fast as hell. Even worse, he could see Andrew1911's body was beginning to slip. Thankfully, the trolley was going uphill. Unfortunately, Andrew1911's body fell off. JMV was in the middle of the hill so he ran as fast as he could to avoid the tumbling body of Andrew1911. JMV dived just in the nick of time and Andrew1911's body slammed into a trash can.
After an hour or so, JMV pushed Andrew1911 to the police station in a trash can. He pinned the Crest letter on Andrew1911's chest and hopped onto a trolley heading to the Crest factory. Miles Kaz wasn't getting away. Not by the hair of JMV's chinny chin chin. JMV hopped off of the trolley and mocked the trolley man he loathed. The trolley man just cried because he knew it was futile to try to stop him. JMV grabbed the handgun of his coat pocket and straightened his trademark fedora. He opened the door of the Crest factory and saw one of those newfangled elevators. He walked into it and hit the button for the twentieth floor.
JMV got out of the elevator and opened Kaz's door. He turned on the lights and was surrounded by a dozen guards. From out of a corner of the room, Miles Kaz walked out, thumping a Bible. Kaz said, "Ah, you must be... JMV? Yes, that was who Andrew1911 planned to pin the crime on. Good plan. Shameful execution. Now, that heathen Andrew1911 is dead, I take it?" JMV shook his hood and Kaz said, "Shame. Jews don't deserve to breathe our fine Christian air or brush their teeth using my Christian toothpaste. It's made specifically for Christians, not heathens such as Andrew1911 and Von Mariofreak. JMV, you are a Christian, yes?" JMV nodded his head.
Kaz grimly smiled, "Good. We can give you a proper Christian burial." JMV finally spoke, "You do realize that I dropped Andrew1911 off at the police headquarters and I made copies of the Crest letter, right?" Kaz's smile turned into a frown. He said, "The Crest letter? Where did you get it?" JMV smiled, "In Andrew1911's office. Thank God you chose an incompetent mob boss. God only knows what kind of damage you could've done with one who wasn't Jewish." Kaz screamed, "Shut up, you bloody heathen! I am Miles Kaz! I make good, clean Christian toothpaste for the common Christian man! Don't you dare tell me how to do my business, heathen! I am only following God's will! If Crest did not exist, Colgate's inferior brand would take the sparkle away from good Christian mouths! God's vengeance is swift, Mr. JMV! You will learn that soon enough! Men! Fire!"
JMV ran out of the room and into the hallway, dodging a plethora of bullets. He ran into the staircase and ran up to the rooftop. He hid at the top and fired a couple of bullets off, killing four henchmen. JMV ran to the edge and saw Miles Kaz jumping into his car to escape to the border. JMV couldn't let that happen. He searched for any possible escape... He saw a trampoline at the bottom. He remembered those funny Looney Tunes commercials. Maybe, it would work in real life too. The henchmen ran through the door and aimed. Before they could get a round off, JMV took a leap of faith. He flew twenty stories right onto the trampoline. Somehow, JMV landed without any injury and ran inside his car. The other henchmen who tried the same stunt weren't as lucky.
JMV saw a trolley heading in the same direction as Miles Kaz. That asshole trolley guy was there, though. JMV ran to the trolley and the trolley guy said, "Fuck off." JMV screamed, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" JMV threw a punch that knocked him out and JMV pulled the driver aside. He was going to catch that Kaz. JMV got the trolley up to an impressive thirty miles an hour. Unfortunately, Kaz was doing thirty too. He had to step it up a notch. JMV had a deathwish as he hit the gas to an unbelieveable thirty five miles per hour. Kaz looked behind him and saw JMV driving the trolley about to ram him off the road. Kaz fired a bullet that hit JMV in the shoulder.
JMV screamed, "Dammit!" That bullet would not distract him from his quest. He stepped on the gas as hard as he could and Kaz's tiny car was rammed repeatedly. The tiny car could not take it anymore and crashed into a brick wall. Kaz flew through the windshield. JMV slowly walked out of the trolley gingerly holding his shoulder. JMV said, "I hear they have Bible study groups in prison. You might like it there, after all."
JMV waited for the police, smoking a cigarette. Kaz moaned a couple of times but he was all right. The police arrived and took Kaz into custody. JMV was thanked by the police and they left him there on the side of the road. JMV sighed, "Not even a ride back? God dammit. I need to go to the hospital." All of a sudden, a car pulled up beside him. It was that Nurse Hime from the hospital. Hime said, "Need a ride?" JMV smiled and said, "Yes, I do. I also need some TLC, baby." Hime quizzically asked, "TLC?" JMV said, "Uh, tender loving care." Hime said, "Oh. That's... Nice." So, off the two went... To the hospital. JMV said, "Did you guys get better food? Cause if you didn't..."
bump ^_^
entertaining. caterpie;
liked the Wrenchninja barber shop bit.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I WORKED MY FUCKING NUTSACK OFF FOR YOU PEOPLE TO ENJOY THIS SHIT
THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS FUCKING COMMENT YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU OFF JMV IF YOU DON'T FUCKING COMMENT
HELL I'LL MAKE RIPSTER THE MAIN CHARACTER IF YOU DON'T COMMENT argh;
Quote from: Andrew1911 on September 18, 2007, 05:50:55 PM
HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I WORKED MY FUCKING NUTSACK OFF FOR YOU PEOPLE TO ENJOY THIS SHIT
THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS FUCKING COMMENT YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU OFF JMV IF YOU DON'T FUCKING COMMENT
HELL I'LL MAKE RIPSTER THE MAIN CHARACTER IF YOU DON'T COMMENT argh;
i commented.:'(
Wow. Good job. caterpie;
Sorry, I was out all day/night. :'(
Great story though. At least I died an hero.
I did read it and it was cool.
THERE WILL BE NO MORE CHAPTERS UNLESS THERE IS MORE COMMENTS argh;
Quote from: Andrew1911 on September 18, 2007, 08:10:53 PM
THERE WILL BE NO MORE CHAPTERS UNLESS THERE IS MORE COMMENTS argh;
use more empty metaphors and you'll win a pulitzer
WONDERFUL LOVELY EXCITING SEXUALLY STIMULATING PLEASURABLE
Quote from: NotSid on September 18, 2007, 08:12:26 PM
use more empty metaphors and you'll win a pulitzer
huh
Chapter Um: Um
JMV sat in the hospital bed trying to get at an itch. He muttered, "Damn hospital clothes... Shouldn't even have to be in here... Ridiculous. Oh, look who comes in. My savior! All hail Hime who picked me up! All hail Hime, the one who owns the automobile!" Hime smirked, "Yeah, real funny, JMV... Now, you're getting released today so that's something to look forward to." JMV smiled, "Oh, that's all I have to look forward to? No sponge bath?" Hime laughed, "Well, there wasn't one scheduled but if you want one..." JMV clapped his hands together excitedly and said, "Beautiful." Hime left JMV a newspaper and exited the room.
JMV sighed, "The headline should be 'Handsome Badass P.I. Stops Evil Company'. It would sell more papers. Well, at least, Andrew1911 and Kaz are going into prison for life. Less dirt on my streets. Damn this shoulder... I should ask Hime to gingerly rub that area when she gets back." JMV gingerly got out of the bed and slowly moved into the bathroom. While inside, he heard voices in his hospital room. JMV assumed they were doctors at first but the words he could hear convinced him otherwise. JMV looked around for any kind of weapon but he was caught with his trousers down. The best he could muster was a magazine.
JMV heard the voices crowding around the bathroom door. He could hear them picking the lock. JMV got up as slowly as possible and crept to behind the door. They slammed the door wide open, breaking JMV's nose. He suppresed a scream by biting his lip. He bit his lip so hard that it began to bleed. The two henchmen turned away. One of the henchmen said, "Dammit, Unagi, I told you this wasn't the place..." Unagi argued, "I'm always right! That's my damn nickname, daddio! So, shut up, Ripster."
This was JMV's opportunity. He crept behind Ropster and knocked him out with the magazine. Unagi heard the commotion and pulled out a knife. JMV used his arm cast to fend off Unagi's knife thrusts. Unagi said, "You're gonna die good, JMV! I bet my life savings on it!" Finally, JMV slammed his cast into Unagi's face, knocking him out. JMV said, "First off, you owe my your life savings and you cost me a sponge bath. I hate you. I really hate you. Now, excuse me, unconscious body... I must leave this hospital and find out who hired you."
Oh God a sponge bath... gonk;
And what made you decide to add Ripster and Unagi? Really unpredictable. caterpie;
Quote from: Candy on September 18, 2007, 08:31:10 PM
Oh God a sponge bath... gonk;
And what made you decide to add Ripster and Unagi? Really unpredictable. caterpie;
Don't worry, your sexy scene with JMV, water, and a sponge is coming soon. flower;
I love this thread and story.
Quote from: Andrew1911 on September 18, 2007, 08:34:01 PM
Don't worry, your sexy scene with JMV, water, and a sponge is coming soon. flower;
Please tell me you're not serious...
Quote from: Candy on September 18, 2007, 08:45:21 PM
Please tell me you're not serious...
We won't tell it but we will suggest it heavily through suggestive imagery such as a mountain exploding and a rocket going into space. hope you like italians ^_^
Quote from: Andrew1911 on September 18, 2007, 08:49:09 PM
We won't tell it but we will suggest it heavily through suggestive imagery such as a mountain exploding and a rocket going into space. hope you like italians ^_^
Okie. And I love italians. ^_^
Chapter Blargh: huh what
JMV ran out of the hospital and hopped onto the back of a trolley. JMV wouldn't see that bastard trolley guy ever again... The trolley stopped at a costume store and JMV knew what he had to do. He bought himself a fake moustache, those funny eyeglasses with the huge eyes, and a fake nose. JMV was a master of disguise. Even his own mother couldn't recognize him. JMV walked outside and realized that the people after him could find him by his cast and knew what he had to do...
JMV went inside a bathroom stall and slammed his cast against the wall until it broke open. The pain was excruiating and JMV screamed many expletives involving Jews, goats, and a diseased rat. JMV washed his arm and held at an angle where it felt comfortable. Finally, JMV's disguise was complete. Now, he had to infilitrate the mob. Only they could have hired the assassins for the job.
JMV walked into Weitzman's old place and talked to the bartender. JMV said, "Excuse me, barkeep... Where may I find a Mafia guy? I'm looking to get myself in into these events." The bartender said, "Oh, he's in the basement. The password is 'lol'. It's the boss's new thing." JMV pondered the password and walked down the stairs to the Mafia's secret headquarters. He knocked on the door and a voice said, "Password?" JMV said, "lol." The door opened and the mob boss was protected by five guys.
The mob boss spoke, "omg hei how u duin???" JMV said, "Uh... I'm doing fine, I guess." The mob boss said, "omg thats coolz rolfcoptor now i amz lawlz i amz boss caz anjew get pwned lolz!11!11 u wantz teh jobz d00dz????" JMV answered, "Uh... Sure." The mob boss commanded, "kay boot 4st u r gunna have to armz wrassle mez" JMV began to sweat... How could he arm wrestle him with a broken arm? JMV gingerly put his arm on the table and Lawlz put his arm against his. Lawlz said, "lulz i gotz u armz wrassles is 4 fagzorz"