woman

[6M69I69B9]

every other week i've been spending 30min-1hr for the last 4 weeks trying to finish a drawing, something i completely just have been procrastinating on, it's sad bc i've just been going at it at snail pace, but think of like when you're printing something out and you choose the option for quality instead of it being a draft print; the details are emphasized even more in the quality print

usually i hate telling ppl what im working on bc i feel pressure when theyre like "hey is it done already" and i just get at myself a bunch. 
but i know i dont feel pressure from the boy so im posting my thoughts on it here

basically
im drawing a woman from reference, screenshot from a scene. 
it may seem basic but i get lost in thought just looking at this woman
get so immersed sometimes- im not even thinking about her sexually or anything like that
she's scanning a room
i just want to know how she's processing this info and mesmerized by her face slowly translates her thoughts
i never draw women, and this is one of those rare times i really want to draw a woman
she looks stunning to me but im not sure if others would agree
im almost going for a 1:1 ratio, I really want to emphasize her expression

when i draw faces in general
i think you can discern them being kinda basic, no ambiguity in expression
i want to push this sort of facial reading further for more immersion
to elicit some sort of thought piece

i think i pulled off her eyes well, i haven't rendered them entirely, but it's enough to get me lost in thought a bit
im kinda just rambling about my enthusiasm and interest at this point
@this point it kinda seems like im inhaling my own fart lmao
but im happy where this drawing is coming to atm, even if the process has been so slow as hell
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i blame my anxiety
i am too scared of devotion and debate about commitment
commitment to the ride, scared of end, scared of regret- i don't want to do it over- i have three times already
i've gone through this hundred fold in other practices
sometimes my mind likes to bring in irrelevant things i should be working on- and it travels, these thoughts of priorities: from drawing, to backlog games, to cleaning, to job prospects, to skills, to feelings of incompetence, then burn out.  and then i sometimes compare myself- thinking others my age got it solved, why don't i push myself further?  why am i so stuck, mentally, physically. 

but then i realize, I don't necessarily want any of this
sick of having to explain myself
i just want to be happy in the end
these expectations of others that i project on to myself- i try to tell myself they don't matter
but it's hard to believe it when i realize im lacking certain things
when life actually hits
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speaking of procrastination
i know, it's like i should be focusing on it right now.
but i need to get this out- this whole procrastination cycle and apprehensiveness, this certain process of thought
i've gotta report this theft of time- if i dont, nobody will know they're on the run doing shady things to my head
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i think i project a lot of my thoughts on this woman
she's gone through some rough times, as i have. 
maybe they're not comparable, maybe there's a scale to how much weight our respective rough times have
but in the end, she's like a mirror to my thoughts no matter the weight
her room of the enemy propaganda
my room of persistent exterior expectations
feelings of needing to represent

in the end, i jst wanna get this out:
she's beautiful

im gonna get this done, no matter how long it takes 

[strongbad]

i believe in you mib

[YPrrrr]

This got kind of poetic at times. I wish you luck in your endeavor. Don't stress too much about it, it'll get there

I definitely feel you about the paragraph:
"sometimes my mind likes to bring in irrelevant things i should be working on- and it travels, these thoughts of priorities: from drawing, to backlog games, to cleaning, to job prospects, to skills, to feelings of incompetence, then burn out.  and then i sometimes compare myself- thinking others my age got it solved, why don't i push myself further?  why am i so stuck, mentally, physically. "

I feel like it prevent me from being happy a lot of the time - feeling like I should be doing something more productive with my time instead of enjoying a moment

[Karel]

I feel that

Those are also all the reasons why I stopped doing realism. I used to love doing portraits of people, because in a way I liked to channel all those thoughts and emotions you described, too. I've drawn so many friends' portraits in real life, it helped connect me to them in their own throes and struggles and successes. Or all the times I was drawing figures and portraits alone, the enormity of my conscience would wash over me, and in that torture I found a means to finish.

At some point I realized it was just that. Torture. So I stopped, and moved on to analog photography. But I was still depressed so my masochism moved into the form of blowing a shit ton of money on polaroid film and forcing people to pose for ratio accuracy of shots during mild hangs, punk shows, and raging parties full of drugs


but then I started to draw tiny cartoon faces in quick succession of one other, quick strokes to get features and move on to the next one, I've done hundreds of these. I started doing it in a factory on sticky notes when things were slow

I even was apart of a gallery opening of other DIY punk artists, my small section were these tiny faces draw on polaroid film emulsion lifted onto watercolor paper (process of taking a polaroid picture, cutting off the frame, peeling off the backside, slipping it in 200F water and teasing the water to separate the film from the clear mylar layer, heat removes the mylar layer on top of the exposure, exposure becomes a wet noodle of film that you have to put on textured paper in cold water and take a brush to 'roll' out onto it)

because it has a transparency, you can layer up different polaroid pictures together that can sync up in really cool ways
no one wanted my work, though. It was mainly for underground graffiti artists so all the other people who didn't have tag art weren't selling anything either


Anyway I think I did the tiny faces to mock myself for spending so much time trying to impress people with portrait drawings. Though I guess even during that time, I drew some small cute portraits of girls I liked and gifted those to them




All of it was good practice but fuck everybody, I don't want to feel like that ever again. All my self-portraits, too, those felt like trying to find a question and an answer of every facet of my life but also still for some kind of means of impressing other people too. I did one last self portrait that I was proud of, and I gave it to a good friend I only knew for a couple months, 7 or 8 years ago.










just do the damn drawing

[me003]

I only read the first sentence of each paragraph, but SHOW PEOPLE YOUR WORK. Show people your work, because if you show them some stuff that you don't think is that great or it's unfinished, you may feel like "damn, I could do better" and that will help push you to get better. Exposing yourself is a great tool to put pressure on you to either get better or quit, and if you're passionate about something, you're not going to quit. Keep it up!

[??????]

hi me003 do you remember me from 10+ years ago~~~~

also I don't show my work because it's always unfinished
perhaps in 3-5 years from now

[me003]

hi me003 do you remember me from 10+ years ago~~~~

also I don’t show my work because it’s always unfinished
perhaps in 3-5 years from now

I recognize the signature....but am not sure who you are..... Anyways, just show one person who is also involved in art! Find a like minded group online.