i have to admit something guys

[Kalahari Inkantation]

Two of those are very recent (less than a year ago), meaning the only thing left that I seriously worked towards until recently was my gender transition.

forgive me for making a bold assertion but i would bet that you were miserably depressed in the months and years before beginning hrt

and probably even for months after starting

and that would certainly make you less likely to want to seriously work towards anything until recently

and that doesn't really have anything to do with financial success. At least I'm alive, I guess.

i lol'd

home ownership is an obvious result of financial success

your career itself has been quite a financial success

since this job that I'm in now was basically handed to me after my former boss referred me.

irrelephant

you were still proactive even if ultimately your new job wasn't the direct result of your own proactivity lol

I listened to the lectures that I had to attend and I fulfilled just the minimum requirements for the assignments, but I even outright skipped a few of them. That's not very far from "I'll avoid failing" levels of effort. Plenty of my classmates put much more serious effort in that class (and every other class I took) than I did.

I got an A in that class, but the numbers didn't make sense and I don't think I should've.

So yeah, I think it's fair to say the only reason I made an impression is my talent, not really effort.

you and i both know that the correlation between effort and success is not a linear relationship lol

you may have put in bare minimal effort, but you still succeeded regardless

and i'm sure you feel pretty [glow=black,2,300]smug[/glow] about those classmates of yours who put in (seemingly) huge amounts of effort yet have much lower grades

the point is, completely irrespective of effort, you left and impression and that's why you were chosen

in fact, that fact that you make it seem so effortless probably contributed to why your professor was so impressed

natural talent is in and of itself impressive

[spoiler]

as a talentless hack, my life strategy has been to put in zero effort and therefore get zero results, because the thought of putting actual effort into something and possibly still failing absolutely terrifies me [/spoiler]

[bluaki]

and that doesn't really have anything to do with financial success. At least I'm alive, I guess.

i lol'd

home ownership is an obvious result of financial success

your career itself has been quite a financial success

that wasn't really meant to be a joke

I meant my gender transition has nothing to do with my financial success, other than maybe reducing my risk of death.

[spoiler=not funny]
I've never been suicidal, but the depression from being trans and untreated was really serious, way beyond what I've ever expressed or what I'm even capable of expressing. I probably wouldn't have ever done it, but I think it was a nonzero risk. My coping strategy of suppressing all my emotions probably would've burst eventually.

I'm also probably less likely to be killed if I pass, which is way more feasible if I actually get treatment[/spoiler]

forgive me for making a bold assertion but i would bet that you were miserably depressed in the months and years before beginning hrt

and probably even for months after starting

and that would certainly make you less likely to want to seriously work towards anything until recently

That would make sense, but I think it's more like just out of necessity. I need a place to live and I need an income so that I can afford my place to live.

Well, I had kinda already been planning to get a house eventually, but it was necessity (losing my roommates and apartment) that pushed it forward and gave me the motivation to actually put forth the effort of searching in a timely manner. The reason I planned to in the first place was just that I had a seemingly-stable job with a good income so I could afford it; I don't think being less depressed played a role there.

The explanation you just gave is at least probably right on the mark regarding how I've been approaching my friendships lately, at least. It's like I actually care about people now and don't want to avoid everything.

[ME##]

I feel like this all the time

[Kalahari Inkantation]

that wasn't really meant to be a joke

I meant my gender transition has nothing to do with my financial success, other than maybe reducing my risk of death.

I doubly misread you here. I thought you were being hyperbolic about your financial situation, it sounded like the sort of #tecworldproblems misery-framed-in-bad-humor partial-joke-but-not-really-a-joke comment I might make. I certainly wouldn't laugh at any part of your trans struggle unless you were very clearly being facetious. :'(

[spoiler=not funny]
I've never been suicidal, but the depression from being trans and untreated was really serious, way beyond what I've ever expressed or what I'm even capable of expressing. I probably wouldn't have ever done it, but I think it was a nonzero risk. My coping strategy of suppressing all my emotions probably would've burst eventually.
[/spoiler]

you have never been anything other than stoic on boyah so i personally never had any major reason to think you didn't have things at least somewhat under control

in retrospect, it's obvious that your stoicism is almost certainly a learned emotional numbness, as a coping mechanism for the struggle of being trans in addition to literally everything else

i know that no part of that is ever truly easy, especially when your support network is limited

forgive me if i sometimes come off as flippant or tactless

[spoiler=feel free to ignore]

do you have a therapist for dealing with non-trans issues

i'm 100% certain the answer is no

you should probably change that, because you sound like you have double depression

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysthymia#Causes[/spoiler]

[spoiler]actually, did your trans-issues therapist ever do anything more for you than verify that you are mentally competent enough to begin the hrt regimen
[/spoiler]

[spoiler=not funny]
I'm also probably less likely to be killed if I pass, which is way more feasible if I actually get treatment[/spoiler]

that's an extremely blunt way of putting it, but yes, it's true, passing privilege exists and you're far less likely to face significant discrimination once you're at the point where nobody questions you

there's pretty much a perfect inverse relationship between degree of passing and degree of discrimination one might face

forgive me for making a bold assertion but i would bet that you were miserably depressed in the months and years before beginning hrt

and probably even for months after starting

and that would certainly make you less likely to want to seriously work towards anything until recently

That would make sense, but I think it's more like just out of necessity. I need a place to live and I need an income so that I can afford my place to live.

Well, I had kinda already been planning to get a house eventually, but it was necessity (losing my roommates and apartment) that pushed it forward and gave me the motivation to actually put forth the effort of searching in a timely manner. The reason I planned to in the first place was just that I had a seemingly-stable job with a good income so I could afford it; I don't think being less depressed played a role there.

The explanation you just gave is at least probably right on the mark regarding how I've been approaching my friendships lately, at least. It's like I actually care about people now and don't want to avoid everything.

everyone needs a place to live and an income blu, lol

but some would have chosen to stay at home with their mother (see: me)

you should be proud of yourself for having been able to make your own friends, it's still not something i've narrowed down lol

[bluaki]

I doubly misread you here. I thought you were being hyperbolic about your financial situation, it sounded like the sort of #tecworldproblems misery-framed-in-bad-humor partial-joke-but-not-really-a-joke comment I might make. I certainly wouldn't laugh at any part of your trans struggle unless you were very clearly being facetious. :'(

Yeah, I could tell that's what you saw it as, which is why I clarified it the way I did

[spoiler=not funny]
I've never been suicidal, but the depression from being trans and untreated was really serious, way beyond what I've ever expressed or what I'm even capable of expressing. I probably wouldn't have ever done it, but I think it was a nonzero risk. My coping strategy of suppressing all my emotions probably would've burst eventually.
[/spoiler]

you have never been anything other than stoic on boyah so i personally never had any major reason to think you didn't have things at least somewhat under control

in retrospect, it's obvious that your stoicism is almost certainly a learned emotional numbness, as a coping mechanism for the struggle of being trans in addition to literally everything else

Well yeah, that does still count as "having things at least somewhat under control"

One of the things that helped keep me sane (relatively speaking) was hope. I'm a generally pessimistic person, but I still held onto hope that things would get better in the future. If I gave up on ever getting treatment (which would've been understandable after all the obstacles I went through), that'd basically cause a worst-case scenario for my sanity.

I'm pretty sure my case of dysphoria is an extreme one. Most transpeople aren't nearly that bad (especially now that being trans is almost trendy, wtf)

[spoiler=feel free to ignore]

do you have a therapist for dealing with non-trans issues

i'm 100% certain the answer is no

you should probably change that, because you sound like you have double depression

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysthymia#Causes[/spoiler]

[spoiler]actually, did your trans-issues therapist ever do anything more for you than verify that you are mentally competent enough to begin the hrt regimen
[/spoiler]

Since 3.5 years ago, I don't have any therapist at all.

I went to a non-trans-issues therapist for a little while in something like 2006, and I think the reason was something like depression or stress. I can't clearly remember anything that far back, but I'm pretty sure I was too afraid to admit I'm trans and nothing meaningful came from those visits. No prescriptions, probably no diagnosis of anything.

I actually don't even remember that much detail about my visits ~4 years ago to the therapist I went to for trans issues. She asked me about a lot of gender dysphoria symptoms that I could tell were from the DSM. She asked me about other mental illness symptoms too to verify there was nothing else wrong. Among these, I specifically remember telling her that my ongoing depressive feelings can be entirely attributed to my gender dysphoria - that I don't have clinical depression.

Of course, I never told her the detail I just mentioned in my last post

[spoiler]I seriously do believe that I don't have any other major issues, but I strongly wanted to avoid letting her suspect I had anything else, since I knew that would interfere with my ability to get treatment for being trans.

She did ask about family issues and friendship issues too. I think she offered to help me with makeup or something but I never ended up taking it. I got the impression she wanted to help me with stuff like coping, accepting it, setting expectations, and other stuff like that, but I knew I'm trans for so long before then that I figured it out myself way beforehand.

After the last visit, she referred me to a coworker of hers, who ended up trying to informally test me for autism and then told me to leave and go to somebody who specializes in it to get formally tested, which I refused. I tried like 6-8 other therapists right after that; most of them weren't accepting patients and the others either can't deal with trans issues or were under-qualified to be of any help to me.

I'm in a good enough mental state that I don't need ongoing therapist visits. I think they're supposed to be required to continue getting hormone therapy, but my current doctor just accepted the old therapist letter I had without questions so I haven't bothered. I'll need more approvals again to get surgery, so I guess I'll try seeking again later this year.[/spoiler]

[Kalahari Inkantation]

you have never been anything other than stoic on boyah so i personally never had any major reason to think you didn't have things at least somewhat under control

in retrospect, it's obvious that your stoicism is almost certainly a learned emotional numbness, as a coping mechanism for the struggle of being trans in addition to literally everything else

Well yeah, that does still count as "having things at least somewhat under control"

i suppose it does, but only with regard to everything that isn't directly related to you personally

One of the things that helped keep me sane (relatively speaking) was hope. I'm a generally pessimistic person, but I still held onto hope that things would get better in the future. If I gave up on ever getting treatment (which would've been understandable after all the obstacles I went through), that'd basically cause a worst-case scenario for my sanity.

i'm almost disturbed by how familiar this particular line sounds lol

yes, to give up would have been a worst-case scenario, so thank goodness you didn't

I'm pretty sure my case of dysphoria is an extreme one. Most transpeople aren't nearly that bad

Out of curiosity, any speculation as to why that might be? What makes you think that "most transpeople aren't nearly that bad"?

(especially now that being trans is almost trendy, wtf)

i'm sure that's as amazing as it is somewhat embittering for last-generation transfolk who had both less advanced medicine and lesser access to medicine, as well as much lower social acceptance

they seem to start younger and younger these days, and even those who may be uncertain have puberty blockers so as not to miss that ideal window of opportunity

I specifically remember telling her that my ongoing depressive feelings can be entirely attributed to my gender dysphoria - that I don't have clinical depression.

[spoiler]I seriously do believe that I don't have any other major issues

I'm in a good enough mental state that I don't need ongoing therapist visits.[/spoiler]

Are you trying to convince me here, or yourself?

because to be blunt, i'm not convinced

Since 3.5 years ago, I don't have any therapist at all.

She asked me about other mental illness symptoms too to verify there was nothing else wrong.

Of course, I never told her the detail I just mentioned in my last post

[spoiler]but I strongly wanted to avoid letting her suspect I had anything else, since I knew that would interfere with my ability to get treatment for being trans.

I think they're supposed to be required to continue getting hormone therapy, but my current doctor just accepted the old therapist letter I had without questions so I haven't bothered.[/spoiler]

blu, this is extremely bad

the core transitioning phase is, ~i'm guessing~, the most critical period of your life thus far, and you really shouldn't insist on going through it completely alone

especially considering the depression/mental illness stats among lgbt individuals and especially transfolk, which you know are extremely dire

and honestly, judging by the rare occasions in which you speak of yourself here, you absolutely exhibit at least a few of the obvious symptoms of depression/anxiety/etc., even post-hrt

of course, it's not exactly my place to tell you that, but do you know who could rule that possibility out

a mental health specialist

what exactly do you have to lose in seeking expert opinions, especially since this:

[spoiler]but I strongly wanted to avoid letting her suspect I had anything else, since I knew that would interfere with my ability to get treatment for being trans.[/spoiler]

is probably no longer an issue

literally everyone in your situation is immensely depressed lol

medical professionals know and expect you to be, and they're not going to postpone the one and only treatment they know could alleviate some of that depression as part of some backwards strategy for treating depression

so yes, it absolutely should be a requirement that you regularly see a mental health specialist during the transitioning period, and the fact that you aren't is absolutely bonkers

She asked me about a lot of gender dysphoria symptoms that I could tell were from the DSM. She asked me about other mental illness symptoms too to verify there was nothing else wrong. Among these, I specifically remember telling her that my ongoing depressive feelings can be entirely attributed to my gender dysphoria - that I don't have clinical depression.

are you offended that she came off as cold and impersonal or something lol

i mean, the dsm is a diagnostic tool, she used it exactly as it should be used: take patient's input/symptoms and compare to dsm entries

[spoiler]
1. A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics
2. A strong desire to be rid of one’s primary and/or secondary sex characteristics
3. A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender
4. A strong desire to be of the other gender
5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender
6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender[/spoiler]

if something like that is what she read to you, then yeah, that's because it's exactly you lol

your case may be an "extreme" one but your condition isn't a unique one, so you can't be too upset if specialists don't necessarily treat you as unique in this particular regard

i get it, though, she could probably have displayed some more humanity or personal interest in you and not your condition

...but it sounds like she tried to do that

[spoiler]I think she offered to help me with makeup or something but I never ended up taking it. I got the impression she wanted to help me with stuff like coping, accepting it, setting expectations, and other stuff like that, but I knew I'm trans for so long before then that I figured it out myself way beforehand.[/spoiler]

and you denied her the opportunity

Do you realize that you are seeking a lot of the same advice here now that you probably could have gotten years ago if you had kept up with those therapy sessions?

i mean of course she wanted to help that's her job and that's why you were there

the fact that you knew you are trans doesn't at all mean that you know how to properly use makeup, how to properly cope, how to properly accept, how to set expectations, etc.

[spoiler]
After the last visit, she referred me to a coworker of hers, who ended up trying to informally test me for autism and then told me to leave and go to somebody who specializes in it to get formally tested, which I refused.[/spoiler]

i can understand why you would refuse

but the reason she did that is because there is indeed a curiously high correlation between transgenderism and autism

https://autismawarenesscentre.com/autism-transgender-gender-dysphoria/

you should read that in full, some parts of it may come off as disturbing but it's quite informational

i don't necessarily get an autistic vibe from you, and even if you do have autistic traits, they're probably of the savantism kind that help you much more than hurt you lol

but that specific link between dysphoria and autism is why she wanted to have you tested