How I think pt 2- When I am Depressed

[kougraducky]

I know I posted this on my tumblr a couple days ago, but this is how I'm feeling again, so fuck it.

Numb=shit (great title, I know)
There’s this perpetual state of colour that covers my mind’s eye. It’s not just gray; it’s the colour of the snow on the TV screen. It’s that fuzzy, constantly moving being that won’t just rub off from the inside of my eyes.

Occasionally, the picture of what I want in my life is slightly visible, but then it fades back out again.

I’m starting to think that maybe I don’t want anyone in life. I might just want the comfort and security of being told that I don’t have to take care of myself. God knows that if I were the only one taking care of myself, I’d just shrug and walk away. I’d slowly cut away layers of my outside being leaving only the whimpering, scared little girl inside of me who still misses her daddy. The girl who, if you ask her, will tell you that the world ended the moment her daddy realised who she really was and hid her behind this shroud of black fabric in his mind. Everything she wasn’t to him, namely a son, was a reminder of his failure, so he beat the beauty out of her face. He beat the beauty out of her pale, lithe arms and neck and chest. He beat the love out of her heart and left her with nothing but need and absence.

No one ever stays. Why should I care?

Why should I stay?

[kougraducky]

Also, I want to be intimate but I don't know how anymore...and no one around who wants to right now...
I hate just being this ball of everlasting need.

[6M69I69B9]

I know I posted this on my tumblr a couple days ago, but this is how I'm feeling again, so fuck it.

Numb=shit (great title, I know)
There’s this perpetual state of colour that covers my mind’s eye. It’s not just gray; it’s the colour of the snow on the TV screen. It’s that fuzzy, constantly moving being that won’t just rub off from the inside of my eyes.

Occasionally, the picture of what I want in my life is slightly visible, but then it fades back out again.

I’m starting to think that maybe I don’t want anyone in life. I might just want the comfort and security of being told that I don’t have to take care of myself. God knows that if I were the only one taking care of myself, I’d just shrug and walk away. I’d slowly cut away layers of my outside being leaving only the whimpering, scared little girl inside of me who still misses her daddy. The girl who, if you ask her, will tell you that the world ended the moment her daddy realised who she really was and hid her behind this shroud of black fabric in his mind. Everything she wasn’t to him, namely a son, was a reminder of his failure, so he beat the beauty out of her face. He beat the beauty out of her pale, lithe arms and neck and chest. He beat the love out of her heart and left her with nothing but need and absence.

No one ever stays. Why should I care?

Why should I stay?

Maybe you'll find somebody who cares for you if you stay, in which I hope you do, soon.  I don't know too much about your situation, so sorry if my post is just irrelevant. 

[me003]

I know I posted this on my tumblr a couple days ago, but this is how I'm feeling again, so fuck it.



No one ever stays. Why should I care?

Why should I stay?

dont give up. everyday you sit in your head thinking things are helpless is just going to make things seem like they're closing in on you, until you cant take it and you end up shaking in fear that things wont ever return to being normal.  You got to create a new identity in your mind, one that is positive. One that will look at the problems individually instead of being overwhelmed by it all. Watching movies is a great way I feel to shake doubt. I just watched a documentary called "Waiting for Superman" about the failure of the US's education system, and although it wasnt really a feel good movie it helped give me the drive to write this. Usually I'm afraid of saying something stupid, or being wrong, but right now I feel I just need to contribute to the world around me, and then things will start to get better.
I got really drunk last night and made a fool out of myself by freestyling for hella long n being loud, and spent most of my day thinking, I must have annoyed my friends last night, I hope they'll hit me up later this week. But I gotta get past that shit, I gotta keep pushing at it, and ...uh I think I'm going on a rant now but back to your situation;

you can't live alone.  thats what I thought I wanted until I freaked the fuck out in my room and thought I was dieing/falling into an abyss of insanity and had like a seizure and really just wanted someone there to comfort me. I never talk to people, but I went and talked to the counselor at my school later that week...about school and where it could take me and if I wanted to still go, and it kinda helped...
ya, I feel like I'll never find love, but I think its cuz im not trying. I keep having this idea that I'll know when i like a girl, but I never try to actually get to know anyone. How can you love, if you don't care? I always think keeping to myself is a good idea...i mean thats my identity, but im not happy so....find what makes you happy?
I think what I'm trying to get at is talking helps?
Sorry if this doesn't help, but it helped me get some shit off my chest.

[Socks]

I don't understand, why have you not been loved? I see it everyday, all of the hate and judgment, but, I am never tempted to become something I am not, to adopt a loathsome and despicable practice, not toward another. Life is too short for that, and whatever I may do to myself it is nothing compared to the pain and suffering which has been inflicted by all and everything that surrounds me. Though this is as sober a testament as you will ever hear me say, I do not dwell on it or make a scene, what is the point? These uncertain declarations and statements only suit to further serve the issue, I am like a hunger artist, weak but never starved to death. I don't think leaving is a choice, where are you going to? Can you flee from yourself? If you can, then please never take me there. You can affect so many others, even by sitting at a window, staring, waiting for some imperial message, of importance and of secrets. I just try to listen, speak when needed, and float on by. You wont notice me, but I will cast you in a play, of roles and privileges, fantasies and dreams, and you will never know these all the while searching for something similar. I don't know, when you leave you lose your touch.