Holy Fucking Shit

[Socks]

I was questioned by undercover cops for running a red light. Every detail from here on out is more and more incriminating.

[?????]

Big brother is watching D:

[Travis]

you're fucked???

[?????]

you're fucked???

What do you mean???

[PLEASEHELP1991]

Don't run a red light? They have traffic cameras, you know.

[Socks]

I was smashed and had bud on my breast pocket with two game dutches and lighters and eye drops and then I was running, and the bald guy asked me to stop and take my hands out of my pockets. They had radios and went to go and flash light my car while I waited here on the gravel. But I never once panicked, it did not feel serious or seem real. This isn't even half the story or the weird part.

[Travis]

I was smashed and had bud on my brest pocket with two game dutches and lighters and eye drops and then I was running, and the bald guy asked me to stop and take my hands out of my pockets. They had radios and went to go and flash light my car while I waited here on the gravel. But I never once panicked, it did not feel serious or seem real. This isn't even half the story or the weird part.

tell the story in full socks-esque detail

[The Hand That Fisted Everyone]

I was smashed and had bud on my breast pocket with two game dutches and lighters and eye drops and then I was running, and the bald guy asked me to stop and take my hands out of my pockets. They had radios and went to go and flash light my car while I waited here on the gravel. But I never once panicked, it did not feel serious or seem real. This isn't even half the story or the weird part.

I'm not sure if this is fact or fiction, but I am interested none-the-less.

[?????]

You ran with your hands in your povkets?

[Socks]

tell the story in full socks-esque detail

So I am waiting on a party and this lady called Cindy or Anthony, one of the two, said I was her "go to guy", because I introduced myself and she had a bob cut and was chubby and I was handsome and such. Her boss was the party, this forty year old broad with a bald dry dude and some crummy hair. The lady was hosting for her  and it was cool, a bunch of pathetic doctors and their staff. But there was this Russian guy at my table, with his large wife, and the Russians, you gotta love them, they bring the Vodka, so I drank out of that with my half Iranian friend, Dasvidanya, but not really, his name is Mackenzie. The end of the night rolls around and we each made 13o off waiting and shit, but I go buy two dutches from the gas station as I fill up. Because I am impatient. Now this place was recently busted for selling illegal drugs out of the office, of which I bought some coke from. Not recently. I saw the register, paid and tipped my friend, said As Salamu Alaykum. He is a black muslim.

Now I am out of there, speeding toward the parking lot where I just left work from so I can roll a blunt. While there I decide to ring up my dealer and see if he has some bud. He does. So I decide to go. Needless to say I am pretty stoked and feeling greedy and such and I speed toward there again and it is 5 minutes ways and I was stopped at every single red light there. The last one, a blind left turn on a blind main street, is with an arrow but there is no sign not to turn on red late at night. So I eye it out and turn toward. I pull in the little lot and just hop out. I am running toward the door which is some ways at the front and before I can turn the corner, I see this black 98 Jeep Cherokee halfway pulled into the lot, and this bald dude has the passenger door open and is semi yelling at me to stop and pull my hands out. I mean I did not have my coat zipped and I had an empty blunt wrapper in my hand in my pocket. So I was trying to keep that safe.

At first I heard this and though I had heard it right but I could not have possible have heard it right, you know? This is the worst thing that can happen. But before I knew it my hands were out and I was stopped and and I had given this guy a 'who the fuck are you I am not sure what is going on look', and then I waited there as ths guy approached. He never told me his name but he was bald and my high and was wearing jeans with black shoes and a sheepskin. He kind of rummaged his badge out at me which was gold and a shield with inscriptions and ribbons and wings and on a two flip wallet thing. He was not wearing it. I just acknowledged this passively as he approached and told me I ran that light back there 'big time'. Immediately I know what they are concerned about and I admitted to my guilt. I said yes, I ran the light. I apologize, I am sorry. He asks me if I am coming from Philly. I said yes. And I never usually run the light and that but tonight I was in a hurry. I work at Toscana Restaurant right down the street on route 70.

He asked me where I was going and I said to my friend's apartment on the second floor. To play video games, Battle Field 3, because he has it and I don't. At this point I have no idea if he is buying it. I see this younger, more eager looking cop appear from the driver side window of the jeep and go toward my car, after asking which one it was, if it was on the far side. It was about 20 seconds from when I pulled in before they did. So I do not think they were near or after me. I am pretty sure that this lot is on watch too. Because they have been having brake ins at the apartment and general complaints and complications with the cops. So the younger one returns shortly and makes a negative sign after looking at my car from the outside. But just then, I see this black and white regular cop appeared across the way in some other little lot, and he is in full uniform, and has short hair, and was out with his hands on his hips, and looking right at me, but I was standing as if I was handcuffed with my hands behind my back, and leaning on one back.

I mean what else was I supposed to do. I was guilty, they knew it, I knew it, and I just had this expression of, 'oh man, I am just regretting this whole thing right now', and kind of feeling like this 'no parking' sign that I was standing next to. It was all crooked and kind of bent, and I am thinking at any moment now this other cop which came out of nowhere and these two dudes would either search me, give me a ticket, or call in dogs and got know who what else. I just stood there and he asked for my license, which I happened to have in my back pocket in my wallet and I had taken it with me because often I get cocky and who cares I forget it at home. I took it out swiftly and said 'yest I do'. He took it to his cat and ran it under th light and started calling in numbers and dials on his radio and then the younger undercover cop went over to inform the on duty police officer that everything was in limbo but alright I guess.

Now he proceeds to come over and ask me what I was thinking. I tell him I am not, that I am cloud nine because I just got done off work and made a killing and I am going over to my friend's house to just chill for an hour or two. He kind of seemed spirited but for me this was the booze talking and he was not mad or had a harsh tone but nodded his head and kind of shook it occasionally. He wore his badge and had on a dark coat with dockers. Somehow he scurried away and the bald guy comes over again and says, "Marjus", I say yes, "Marjjjus", he says 'ah, I detect a bit of accent, I wanted to tell him that was the alcohol but I said that I was not born here and was from Albania. At this point I am wondering what the fuck is going on this is surreal they have neither been cruel or bitter to me nor have I been charged, handled or threatened with anything. So I am wondering about this and whether or not this guy would let me get away and just hand over the little bit of bud I have on me. I imagine me giving him this small bag of weed with one nugget and how disappointed he would be, then i would had wrappers and blunts and even a bottle of wine in my car. Which I am surprised the other cop did not see.

Just then I hear, 'Did you say Albania? No kidding! I am going there in a few weeks. Can you speak fluently, the language?' I don't know what to make of it I don't believe him so I kept on asking repeatedly, 'really'? How kids ask their parents when they tell them something too good to be true. I say yes and he says he will give me a break if I can answer him three questions. So I am standing there thinking jackpot yes and expecting the most difficult jeopardy questions they could get and having said thank you and really appreciate it I stood and waited, poised, to earn my freedom and liberty. He asks me how to say hello in Albanian, and I say 'si jeni', which means how are you, this was not good enough, he wanted hell, so I said, chkemi, is sup? And he was writing it on his hand. On his fucking hand, and said oh I wish I had some paper and his pen would not write. I had both pen and paper in my car and in my disbelief I felt bad for him and almost offered some writing instruments of my own. But just then he pulls out some obscure and folded card from his ass, and then proceeds to tell me he wants them spelled and he was writing them phonetically, so I am spelling and he asks how to say 'goodbye' and I said, 'mir u pafshim', which is, 'on good terms we will see', and then he repeats that, smiles, and shakes my hand. He just turns and walks back to his car and I ran upstairs to my friend.

I don't know what happened to them, they vanished. My friend make me wait there for 10 minutes and knock 6 times because he thought I was going to bring the cops up or they were waiting there, and then opens the door. I scared him and he looked like a ghost white, having heard and seen this from the window and having stuffed all of the bud in the ceiling tiles and broke his roomates bong in the process. I explained everything he could not believe it, as I cannot not. And said it is because I do not look like any other person and was dressed in all black and such, which, I can sort of understand this, I mean I am Socks, but that was too close for comfort. He refuses to sell me any bud tonight and says I can come pick it up tomorrow etc. So I am listening to all of this crap and I pull out the bud I had on me and rolled my dutches and he was stunned and it felt so good still smoking my shit and still being drunk and then high and those cops it was nothing but some minutes and formality. I played with his kitten and dog and we smoked a blunt and discussed it all.

So now I am home and ate and they did not pull me over when I left. Which we were debating if they would, kind of pretend letting me get away. But I knew they would not, because it was a gentleman thing. There was no sight of anyone. I just got home a little late and almost crashed on the way home.

Moral of the story; keep it cool and be gangster as shit.

[Travis]

wow that's crazy. one time i got pulled over and my friend was rolling a blunt right next to me in the passenger seat!!! he stuffed everything in his sock and miraculously the cop was oblivious to it all. also, i had three other kids in the backseat, and everybody was either wasted high or both, but i was just high.

[Socks]

I'm kind of bummed out now because I won't have any bud for tomorrow morning until I can get to work which means I will be sober for my lunch shift. And I have to travel a little out of my way to another restaurant to pick up some food for our place and I haver the perfect one hitter that I lifted from the shop and which unfortunately will now be empty.

[Boogus Epirus Aurelius]

Moral of the story Socks:

Drive fucking sober from now on.

But it was a really nice read.

[Socks]

I thought of you Boognish, while I was standing there lile shit in the rain, sorry and guily, caught red handed, by the fortune and chance, and how I had assured you so casually. It was ironic and clear, but I was not made to pay for it, and so I don't think I have learned my lesson, truth be told.

[Boogus Epirus Aurelius]

I thought of you Boognish, while I was standing there lile shit in the rain, sorry and guily, caught red handed, by the fortune and chance, and how I had assured you so casually. It was ironic and clear, but I was not made to pay for it, and so I don't think I have learned my lesson, truth be told.

Yeah, but it's by some kind of pseudo-divine intervention that you didn't get caught.
Ganapati must have been guiding you along.

But for practical purposes, you really shouldn't drive while intoxicated, and I'll keep reminding you of that until it breaks through, not condescendingly, but concernedly.
I've witnessed firsthand what people can fucking do when someone gets ahold of a drink and a vehicle and it can be goddamned devastating to a lot of people, you know. Really.