FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT SPIDER

[The Hand That Fisted Everyone]

OK SO I'M UPSTAIRS IN MY ROOM WHEN I START TO GET HUNGRY. I WENT DOWN STAIRS AND I SEE A FUCKING SPIDER BUT I ALREADY HAVE A DECENT PACE AND MANAGE TO SLIP BY HIM. I GO AND GRAB A KNIFE FROM THE DRAWER AND I CUT MYSELF A GENEROUS PIECE OF HUMMINGBIRD CAKE. AT FIRST I WAS GOING TO GET FUCKING SWEET POTATO CASSEROLE BUT THE CAKE WAS CLOSER.

ANYWAY. I'M EATING MY CAKE AND WALKING TO THE STAIRS WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I SEE THE GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT SPIDER RIGHT FUCKING THERE. AND HE IS HUGE AS SHIT. SO FUCKING BIG THAT I SAY ALOUD "HOLY SHIT" AND IMMEDIATELY I HAVE A FUCKING ANXIETY ATTACK.

SO, HERE I AM. BOWL OF CAKE IN MY HAND, STANDING ON THE COUCH, SCOPING OUT THE MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT SPIDER. HE'S RIGHT FUCKING THERE. I CAN SEE HIM CRA-

HOLY FUCKING SHIT HE'S HANGING NOW GODDAMNIT

HE SWITCHES BETWEEN CRAWLING AND HANGING A LOT. MOSTLY JUST TO FUCK WITH ME I BET. FUCKING CUNT OF A SPIDER. ALSO HIS LEGS ARE WEIRD AS SHIT. THEY LIKE TWITCH EVERYWHERE. THIS FUCKING THIS IS A BASTARD. THE BIGGEST FUCKING BASTARD I HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED IN MY STAIRWELL. I SWEAR TO GOD INVISIBLE SPIDERS ARE CRAWLING ON ME AT THIS POINT. UP AND DOWN MY LEGS, ACROSS MY BACK, EVERYWHERE.

AT THIS POINT, I'M STANDING ON MY COUCH EATING MY CAKE AND WATCHING THIS FUCKING GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT SPIDER. HE KNOWS I'M WATCHING HIM TOO. BECAUSE HE MOVES REALLY SLOWLY, BUT WITH THAT WEIRD ASS FUCKING TWITCH THAT HE'S GOT. MAYBE I HAVE SOME SORT OF FUCKING RETARDED SPIDER RULING OVER MY STAIRCASE. MAYBE THAT'S WHY HE'S SO GODDAMN BIG! MAYBE HE USED HIS RETARD STRENGTH TO EAT THE OTHER SPIDERS AROUND MY HOUSE. FUCKING GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT SPIDER.

I'M FREAKING OUT MAN. I'M PACING BETWEEN THE COUCH AND THE KITCHEN. EVERY OTHER PACE I STOP AND OPEN THE CABINETS TO SEE IF I CAN KILL HIM WITH SOMETHING. PREFERABLY SO I DON'T HAVE TO GET CLOSE TO HIM. WINDEX JUMPS OUT AT ME BUT THAT MIGHT STAIN THE WALL AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE DEALING WITH THAT BULLSHIT.

SO I GO BACK UP TO THE COUCH AND

WHERE THE FUCK HAS THE GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT SPIDER GONE TO HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

FUCK FUCK FUCK

I'M FERVENTLY SCANNING AROUND. LOOKING FOR THE GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT SPIDER ON THE CEILING ALMOST LIKE HE WAS A FUCKING DRAGON AND I HAS SIR LANCELOT, BUT INSTEAD OF BEING A HERO I'M JUST AFRAID OF A FUCKING SPIDER AND I WANT TO GO TO MY ROOM (I HAVE FINISHED MY CAKE). WHERE THE FUCK IS HE? Maybe he left...

NOPE HE IS RIGHT BY THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS.

FUCK

FUCK

YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKER.

THE SPIDER STARTS HIS WAY BACK UP TO THE TOP OF THE STAIRCASE. EACH LEG SPAZZING OUT AND TWITCHING LIKE A GODDAMN WORM. HE'S SLOWLY MAKING IT. INCH BY FUCKING INCH, TAKING THE TIME TO REVOLVE HIMSELF 180 DEGREES EVERY SO FUCKING OFTEN. I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR TEN MINUTES NOW YOU FUCKING GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT SPIDER JUST LET ME TO MY ROOM.

THE SPIDER DOES A WEIRD SPASM AND STARTS HANGING. HE'S AT MAYBE EYE LEVEL WITH ME (I'M SIX FOOT TWO). HE'S DOING SOME WEIRD SHIT. LEGS ARE GOING IN EVERY DIRECTION, HE'S SHAKING VIOLENTLY. NOT ALL OVER THE PLACE, BUT KIND OF LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE INTENSE SHIVERS. I TAKE A STEP TOWA-

[spoiler]THE FUCKING SPIDER JUST SPLIT HIMSELF IN TWO AND BECAME TWO DIFFERENT FUCKING SPIDERS[/spoiler]

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

I YELP AND PUT MY BOWL DOWN. WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SEE? DID SATAN FUCKING TAKE THE FORM OF A SPIDER JUST TO SCREW WITH ME? IS THE CAKE LACED WITH LSD? OH GOD I'M GOING TO FUCKING DIE.

THE SPIDER FUCKING MAKES HIS WAY BACK DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRCASE. I TAKE MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS NOW. FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING GODDAMN SPIDER PIECE OF SHIT.

I RUN TO THE KITCHEN AND GRAB THE SWIFFER MOP, RUN BACK, JUMP ON THE COUCH, TAKE THE POSITION OF A MAORI SPEARSMAN, AND I LAUNCH THE SWIFFER MOP AT THE DEMON SPIDERS. I MAKE CONTACT WITH THE WALL, AND I MAKE A MAD DASH UP TO MY ROOM, LEAPING OVER THREE STEPS AT A TIME.

I'M NOT SURE IF HE'S DEAD. I FUCKING HATE THIS FUCKING SPIDER'S NEST OF A HOUSE.

[Pyrate]

it's his house now

[applesauce]

I just read that aloud to everyone in my studio and there was overall amusement.

[Daddy]

I like how the spider duplicated.

[Commander Fuckass]

Sounds like an amazing night

[don't let's]

I once had a family of spiders living in my room over the summer. Every once in a while I would feel something on me and it was a spider crawling on my body. And I probably killed like five or ten of them within a couple weeks.

[Hippopo]

I have made friends with the spiders in my apartment.  They do my bidding now.

[Nyerp]

i laughed (and screamed)

[snoorkel]

best part

I YELP AND PUT MY BOWL DOWN

it captures everything

[Socks]

I like the spiders we have here. They're a decent size, but keep to themselves in the lower reaches of the house. Unless encroached upon, there is nothing to worry of, save you might disturb the fellow into oblivion. I know their spots, under the stairwell at the third drop, or in the storeroom, right behind the clock. And ever year once or twice a season, they all disappear and you think are gone, but then reappear as if time had stopped! They are smaller than their predecessors, but posses the same features, and as if instructed, 'go, grow there', repeat the cycle of mothers in a truly awesome way.

So I feed them little bugs and whatnot which are easy prey for me, but not tasty, and they give me inspiration and something to look forward to. All of their neat little traits are an endless source of curiosity. 

All of this takes about five minutes.

[Boogus Epirus Aurelius]

My garbage cans are heavy duty high impact plastic motherfuckers and there's this lip you grab onto so you can drag it by the wheels and everything.
So I was bringing it out to the curb a few weeks ago and I grabbed the lip and started pulling and my fingers felt this feathery, leafy thing underneath.
I wasn't thinking, so I kept prodding it with my fingers and then I felt this sensation on my hand.
I looked down and there were dozens of these tiny little spiders crawling up my hand and my arm and this absolutely gigantic motherfucker that dropped out of the lip on a thread and just hung there. There was a colony of those things under there.

So I ran down my driveway, flailing my arms.

I ended up finding an old length of extension cord to wrap around the can so I could drag it the rest of the way to the curb.

[applesauce]

buy a revolver to protect yourself

yeah one of those tiny ass light weight 38 specials that you can hide anywhere and still kick ass.

spider ass.

[me003]

My garbage cans are heavy duty high impact plastic motherfuckers and there's this lip you grab onto so you can drag it by the wheels and everything.
So I was bringing it out to the curb a few weeks ago and I grabbed the lip and started pulling and my fingers felt this feathery, leafy thing underneath.
I wasn't thinking, so I kept prodding it with my fingers and then I felt this sensation on my hand.
I looked down and there were dozens of these tiny little spiders crawling up my hand and my arm and this absolutely gigantic motherfucker that dropped out of the lip on a thread and just hung there. There was a colony of those things under there.

I know exactly what your talking about, minus the colony.

[Samus Aran]

My garbage cans are heavy duty high impact plastic motherfuckers and there's this lip you grab onto so you can drag it by the wheels and everything.
So I was bringing it out to the curb a few weeks ago and I grabbed the lip and started pulling and my fingers felt this feathery, leafy thing underneath.
I wasn't thinking, so I kept prodding it with my fingers and then I felt this sensation on my hand.
I looked down and there were dozens of these tiny little spiders crawling up my hand and my arm and this absolutely gigantic motherfucker that dropped out of the lip on a thread and just hung there. There was a colony of those things under there.

So I ran down my driveway, flailing my arms.

I ended up finding an old length of extension cord to wrap around the can so I could drag it the rest of the way to the curb.

oh my god i can feel the spiders crawling up my arm AASJD;KLJ;ALKSJDF;JK

i mean i'm not afraid of spiders particularly, but it's still terrifying to have a bunch of creepy crawlers all over you

[Socks]

I saw a spider crawling on my wall today in the dinning room, but I decided not to bother it because it was just looking for a spot to call home.