Depressed.

[Boyager]

I hate it. this is the same pattern that I'm falling into with high school.

I hate math, I can't get it. I'm taking Math 080. fucking high school math. I've taken this shit like 4 times before, gotten tutored a bunch, and I still don't get it. Math makes me hate school, therefore I skip, but then I don't get the financial aid check that I need to make rent and stuff.

I fucking hate my life. My girlfriend is going to realize that I'm just a no good lazy piece of shit and leave me. then I will be alone. I'll have no one. I'm not going back home. I'll be even more of a failure. Never. Ever. Ever. am I going back to that fucking place.

My only future is to be homeless. I'll never get a good career in a museum or whatever. I'll never travel the world. I'll never have children or get married or anything. My destiny is to eat the chicken sandwich you discarded two days ago.

I fucking hate my life. Everyday I wake up and I want to go back to sleep. I don't want to do anything. I just want to die. Everyday I pray something gets me in my sleep. I keep feeling like something is fucking with me. It will come into my room, get right there near me, make it's presence known, then it will leave the room. I'm going insane, Boyah. I can't tell anyone. Whenever I voice my concerns, my parents or grandparents tell me to just stick with it. you'll be ok.

I've been sticking with it for fucking eight years. Something has got to give.

Also, I feel this unspoken pressure from my grandparents to not quit school. They will cut me off if I drop out. I love them very much and I don't want to disappoint them anymore, but this is fucking intense. I can't fucking do this boyah. I can't. I can't.

[Boyager]

Well what do you want to do in life?

[Boyager]

Well what do you want to do in life?

Ideally, my job would be to travel around and get exposed to different art scenes around the world. I suppose Art Journalism? I don't know. Finding a career like that sounds impossible and I'll most likely never get paid a living wage.

[Boyager]

Go be a tramp for awhile.


I'm serious.

[Boyager]

Go be a tramp for awhile.


I'm serious.

I'm quite certain this is my only option now.

[Boyager]

Have you ever gotten diagnosed with a learning disability? Disability Services could help, but budgets are being cut across the board in higher education.

[Boyager]

Have you ever gotten diagnosed with a learning disability? Disability Services could help, but budgets are being cut across the board in higher education.

This is something that my sister keeps telling me to do. I don't know. I'm sure it's beneficial to find out this information. I feel uneasy about this though. Like it wouldn't change anything, if that makes sense?

Instead of it being "He is a lazy fuck" it goes to "He doesn't understand this."

I don't like admitting when I don't understand things...I guess it's a pride issue. I don't know.

[Boyager]

This is something that my sister keeps telling me to do. I don't know. I'm sure it's beneficial to find out this information. I feel uneasy about this though. Like it wouldn't change anything, if that makes sense?

Instead of it being "He is a lazy fuck" it goes to "He doesn't understand this."

I don't like admitting when I don't understand things...I guess it's a pride issue. I don't know.

However, as of late, I've heard of many universities skirting around the Americans with Disabilities Act and cutting services at their disability services because of the vagueness over the definition of a "reasonable accommodation"

[Boyager]

So what are you majoring in?

[Boyager]

Why are you calling yourself lazy? Isn’t that kind of setting yourself up for something?
Not understanding content isn’t laziness. It’s just not understanding content.

But it sounds like you have something that a shitload of people who are going to school don’t have. A vague idea of what you want to do later in life.

Art Journalism? Hook up with counselors who can point you that way. Knock heads with  art and journalism majors and see what they might suggest. If it’s something you really want to do, you’ll find a way to make it happen. You don’t know how good it can feel to finally decide on something and then take steps to pursue it.

My cousin graduated with the most general, most seemingly useless liberal arts degree and now works in local galleries and sets up showings and everything.

Put away that stupid bullshit about “being destined to fail” because all that’s doing is reinforcing the fact.

Kill some of that pressure and realize that you’re in a really exciting time of your life.

Fuck math. If you don’t pass this time, try again next time. Kick its ass.

But you’ve heard all of this and more before, I’m sure.

[Boyager]

Your depression is otherwise a realistic outlook on life. Sentimental happiness is never guaranteed, and indeed the exception, not the rule. The standards of late have no basis in actuality, where dissatisfaction is compassion of the highest degree. The problem is society. Obviously. And those issues affect you, because you still desire to live within and posses achievements that run through their hands.

Be happy with the ordinary self, without title, land or worth, born of the industrial machine. A great sacrifice to be sure, but at stake is your soul for this present eternity. Many have said goodbye and done it for good. Don't wallow in the mire of false belief and half desire. One leg here and the other there, puts you in a compromising position, with a very unstable foundation. Sooner or later you must choose a side, totally and definitively, where your efforts will pour without concern or regret, and accomplishments will follow suit, right along with happiness.

Whichever path you travel on, remember in passion, the reason and the battle which you fight for, to save and better humanity. There is no noble shortcut to bliss, there is only a realization or abandonment. Life is hardly ever easy fun, so enjoy the clouds, the rain and the earth, because sooner or latter will come out the sun, and shine down upon your cheek. If you abide by the truth, vindication is everywhere you look, even if misunderstood and poorly kept. There is no justice in this world, you must guard your own soul.

[Boyager]

Man I should've died 4 years ago. Fucking life and all your fucking bullshit. We all assume everyone makes it growing up because we're surrounded by people who made it. Little do we know that only a small fraction of us are going to make it to adulthood with a steady income and healthy relationships.

Fucking hell man. I've been doing this shit for 4 years. 4 and a half years. I'm sick of it all. I just want to go home. But home is dead.

[Boyager]

I don't even know what to say. I just graduated high school and I just feel like complete shit. I feel like I failed. I'm having trouble being alive right now. This is the most suicidal I've felt all year. I just don't fucking have anything to move on to. I don't give a shit about myself. It's always been about my peers and that's just how it was. I posited myself in such a manner in which it all would've worked out because I was so sure that I was going to die. But I didn't. And now I have to deal with that. And instead of being happy, I'm mad. I'm fucking pissed off. I should not be here right now.

Not to mention all the broken relationships I never fucking fixed. And all the fucking disorders I have. And all the many ways in which I am now fucked in the head. I fucked up real bad. I understand this. And I've tried to do my best but my best is never fucking good enough. It never is. Nothing is good enough because what I really want is simply intangible. I will never have my life back. It's all dead. And no matter how hard I try to move on, I never will, because the things I want most I can't have. They're gone.

I just wanna go home man. I wanna go home.

[Boyager]

Whaaaaaaaaaah high school is so hard. ;___________;

Five years from now, none of you are even going to remember/care that you felt this way at this point in your life.

[Boyager]

No, because I'll be dead