So, I walked into my editor's office today...

[Andrew1911]

I said, "Hey, Jen? What did you think of my new column?" Jen said, "Uh, Andrew, your column is supposed to be about home and garden... At first, when I thought you said it would be about a movie theater trip, I thought it would fit into something. I stopped after reading Charlton Heston coming back from the grave to kill you." I replied, "Uh, Jen, it would all make sense when you got to the finale when I get to the space station. I ended it on a cliff hanger. People are going to want to find out how I escaped the space station. Especially when I fought against the Jenmonster."

Jen asked, "The Jenmonster? Is that a crack at me?" I said, "Hey, I writes 'em as I see 'em." Jen sighed, "You're fired. This is the last time I hire someone from an internet message board. I should've hired Lawlz instead..." I grabbed a knife and said, "Fuck you, Jen!" I stabbed her in the head and she died. I said, "Oops.. Hey, Jen... You alright?" I poked her and her body fell out of the window and she fell thirty stories and her body exploded. The Police came into the office and said, "We're here to arrest you." I said, "Whoa, it's Andy Summers, Stewart Copeland, and... Who the hell are you, guy?" That guy said, "Dude, I'm Sting. I'm the frontman for the band and the police force." I said, "Sorry, not familar with you, guy. But, I didn't do it." Sting said, "I don't care." He raised his gun and I said, "Fuck you!"

I jumped out of the window. I hurtled to the ground at an alarming speed. Sting fired bullets at me but much like his solo career, they sucked and missed. I had no chance for survival when...

FIN

[Samus Aran]

EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE, EVERY MOVE YOU MAKE, HE'LL BE WATCHING YOU.

WATCHING YOU.

[Andrew1911]

God dammit, fix the projector, JMV! Oh, hey, folks... Sorry, my fucking assistant fucked up. You know why he fucks up? BECAUSE HE'S FUCKING JMV! How long is it going to be? Thirty hours? We can't wait that long! Fix it now! God, why do they make these things so big? Someone could fall right into it and get crushed to death... Hey, JMV... Stand a little closer to the edge... I have an idea... So, JMV, doing good? That's good. Now, think of the farm, JMV... Think of the bunnies... Oh, whoops, JMV 'fell' in. You all saw it. Look, the projector's fixed now too! So, your story can continue whenever your author stops becoming lazy. Have a night, folks. Dammit, I'll have to send a note to his next of kin... Oh, well, I won't, I guess.

[Andrew1911]

bump

[Melee_Man]

"Sting fired bullets at me but much like his solo career, they sucked and missed."


I fucking lold at that

so you're the comedian here?

[Snorkel]

I enjoyed the police pun.

[Andrew1911]

SEQUEL 2: SEQUEL HARDER

I fell into a truck carrying pillows. Sting screamed, "You're not getting away that easily!" So, he jumped from the window and landed in a truck carrying chainsaws. Sting said, "Whoa, that was close! I almost pulled this trigger which would turn them on! Let me demonstrate!" Sting pulled the trigger and the chainsaws turned on. His entire body was cut into tiny pieces as he screamed for God to forgive him for Desert Rose. God never answered. Andy said, "Stewart! We're free! Now, we can get someone with more than a good voice and actual talent to become the band's leader! We're free! Free as the wind!"

As they danced in Jen's office, I had secured my passage to Mexico where I was to become one with the Mexicans. Before I got over the border, two things stood in my way... Martin Lawerence and Will Smith. I said, "Damn you, Negroes... I'm going over the border!" I ran to the border but the two crossed over. I shit myself as I ran away. Martin said, "Y'all gonna let him run away now? Shit, dawg, let's go get him!" Will said, "He was born and raised in South Philly... He's a wily one..."

I had made it into a bar where I took a shotgun. The two came in and I shot them both. They died and I lived happily ever after among the Mexicans.

Fin

[UnagiPower]

EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE, EVERY MOVE YOU MAKE, HE'LL BE WATCHING YOU.

WATCHING YOU.

SYNCHRONICITY

wait are we posting The Police lyrics? 

[BSS]

Your stories are hilarious and genius. I was laughing almost the entire time reading it.