THE ULTRA MEGA BIG COLOSSAL STORY OF ALL TIME

[Andrew1911]

Yes... It has begun. Welcome to the big screen edition of Boyah Masterpiece Theatre. In this story, we shall see th...

*DIALOGUE ENDS ABRUPTLY DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTY*

Uh... Jason... What the fuck? Why did the screen rip? GO FUCKING FIX IT! Oh, hello, folks! Well, our fictional projector just broke so loveable Jason,  the unpaid intern is fixing it. So... Um... Almost done, Jason? Hey... Be careful! Don't go too close to the e- Oh, God! It's all over my clothes! Well, Jason just fell into the projector and his intenstines just splattered onto me. Well, his soul has fixed the fictional projector so here is your normally written prologue.

-nd the buttfucking just never ended! Now, we shall read the story we are scheduled to read. Let us begin.

The Four Main Cast of Characters

Kaz
Lawlz
Bassir
Houdini

[Houdini]

pirst fost

Magic edit: holy shit, I'm a main character.

[Andrew1911]

Prologue: The Life of All

In the beginning... There was nothing. But, one fateful night, God said, "Hey... Let's make life." So, he made life and the big bang occured which brought life into everything and stuff. God said, "Cool." Then, he got drunk and passed out. Whle he was passed out, something miraculous was happening on a filthy, disgusting bluish greenish planet located near some sunish... Thing. There was bacteria. In some water. That bacterial evolved into something. Then, that something evolved into something and so on and so forth.

Finally, we have reached the perfection we have arrived at now. God woke up and vomited. He said, "Whoa, man... I was drunk." He saw our planet and said, "What the fuck? God dammit, I need to stay off the booze." He crushed the universe and went back to sleep, killing everyone off. When God awoke, he decided to create life. But... He was not drunk so he would not destroy us in a fit of anger. God said, "Done. Now... Wake and bake."

Finally, we have reached our level of imperfection and this is where our story begins which has absoutely nothing to do with that prologue. In fact, this isn't even going to have any of the characters from the story here or a glimpse of what it's about. I'm too bored to give you a hint. Oh, you want it? Fine... Here we go...

In the local library, lonely little miss Hime was putting away books in the lower part where no one visited. She sighed, "I wish these books were alive so I could make love to them... Oh, well." She slowly placed The Life and Adventures of Tom Sawyer when she heard a clap behind her. She jumped as she saw a book had fallen from it's shelf. She looked at the book and put it back where it was. She noticed that it had been firmly shut between two dictionaries before. She wondered how it could have fallen.

Hime shrugged it off and continued her routine. As she was doing so, she heard numerous claps. She noticed that several books had fallen. She gulped, "Well... These books seem to be able to take care of themselves. I'm just going to head off now..." As she walked to the exit, the books all began to fall. She screamed for her life as the books continued to fall down. She tried to find the exit through the maze of bookcases but it was impossible. She ran for her life but there was no escape.

She stopped abruptly and saw the single most frightening thing in her life. Hime screamed and fainted.

[Houdini]

God took his own name in vain?

[Andrew1911]

God took his own name in vain?

God can do anything he wants. He's fucking God. He murders people all the time.

[Houdini]

God can do anything he wants. He's fucking God. He murders people all the time.

But he put it in the Ten Commandments. Now he has to go to hell.

[Andrew1911]

But he put it in the Ten Commandments. Now he has to go to hell.

God doesn't murder people. He has some fancy name for it to say, "Lol but it's not killing so stfu."

[Selkie]

How did god get drunk on nothing?

Wasn't he the only thing in existance when he was here?

Are you telling me alcohol existed before Earth did?

This will excite alcoholics...

[Himu]

Omg I'm in it.  I'd probably die, but who cares. awesome;

You rock, Andrew.

[Andrew1911]

HOLY SHIT

WHATS HAPPENING

WHAT THE FUCK IS THE STORY ABOUT

NO ONE KNOWS

[Selkie]

HOLY SHIT

WHATS HAPPENING

WHAT THE FUCK IS THE STORY ABOUT

NO ONE KNOWS

GET ON WHTH THE FUCKING STORY

[Samus Aran]

GOD DAMMIT INTRODUCE ME ALREADY

ALSO I WAS HOPING FOR HOT BOOK-ON-HIME ACTION

[Houdini]

Stop being slow. I wanna know what happens.

[Andrew1911]

Chapter One: A Chapter

Houdini stuck another pencil into his masterpiece ceiling painting of the Mona Lisa. He admired his handiwork and decided to get off his chair. Right before he got off, the door opened suddenly and Kaz ran inside yelling, "HOUDINI! SOMETHING HUGE JUST HAPPENED!" Houdini fell off his chair and his masterpiece ceiling panting was ruined as all of the pencils fell down.

Houdini screamed, "What is it, you fucker?" Kaz waved his arms around, saying, "Bassir's down at the Boyah Library! Something miraculous has happned! A sad, lonely woman had a heart attack and almost died!" Houdini groaned, "Why's that good?" Kaz chirped happily, "Because she saw a ghost!" Houdini sighed, "A ghost? Isn't this like that one time you said you saw Bigfoot when we went camping? Didn't it turn out to be Robin Williams?" Kaz said, "Well, in my defense, Robin Williams has a bit more hiar than Bigfoot. Regardless of that, this is a big one! If this is a ghost, think of the things we can do! To the library! Come on, Houdini!" Houdini sighed, "I fucking hate you."

The two took the subway to the library and found Bassir with his stone face, showing no emotion. Bassir stated, "This could be the happiest moment of my life." Houdini said, "Can't cry cause of Botox?" Bassir said, "Shut up, you cunt biscuit. Anywho, the woman who claimed she saw the ghost is at the hospital. She said she saw it on the lower levels. Ah, Kaz, you brought the video camera and the equipment I asked for. Did you also bring the EKG meter?" Kaz laughed, "How could I forget?" Houdini rolled his eyes and said, "Let's go to the lower levels and get this over with. My pencil Mona Lisa needs to be fixed."

The three headed downstairs and used the EKG meter to locate the full form apparition that awaited them inside. As they continued into the center of the colossal lower level library, the meter grew. They stumbled across books stacked as high as the ceiling could go. Houdini looked at a book and said, "Huh... Dan Brown? This ghost has some bad taste. Remind me to tell him about it when we meet him." The three headed towards the center when they stumbled upon a man ghost reading a book intensly. Kaz brought his comrades behind a bookcase and whispered, "So... Let's grab it."

Houdini asked, "Grab it? It's a ghost. Can't you not touch these things?" Kaz said, "Well, I'd like to see if you could touch them or not. It would be pretty cool, wouldn't it?" Hpudini rolled his eyes once again and Bassir said, "Is that fifteen eye rolls in the last twenty minutes? Almost beat your old record..." Kaz said, "You two, we're grabbing it. Let's go." The three ran around the corner and Kaz screamed, "Touch the full formed apparition quickly!" Before they reached the ghost, it tunred into a hideous beast. The three pissed themselves and yelled for their lives. They quickly ran out of the library and into the streets where they were almost run over. Kaz said, "Wow, that was so cool! I almost touched it!" Bassir said, "Interesting encounter." Houdini asked, "You videotape it, Kaz?" Kaz gulped. Houdini asked again, "You videotaped it, right?" Kaz gulped once again and said, "You know... Physical evidence is overrated."

[Houdini]

I forgot to tell the ghost about his bad taste?