Andrew1911's Survival Guide

[Andrew1911]

Foreword by the Author

Hello, I am Andrew1911. I have explored the caverns of Britian and the enormous mountains of Mexico. My exploits are well known, large, and numerous. Now, I know some of you up and coming explorers love to be all up in nature's grill but you must learn when to... Step back from that shiznit. That is where my guide comes in. During moments of extreme distress, people become stupid and do stupid things. During those stupid moments, memories of my guide will come pouring in and you will survive. I only hope you buy the hardcover because the paperback only guarantees you'll be only half alive if you survive.

Guide #1: The Wilderness

Ah, the forest... Filled with wonder, beauty... And death. But, what could possibly get you in the wilderness? Oh, I don't know... How about African Killer Bees? During my expedition in the Congo forest, one of my foolish interns knocked over an African Killer Bee hive. They were set loose upon my interns. I watched in horror as the bees literally ate their skin from their bones. It was a disturbing sight. To avoid getting your skin eaten by African Killer Bees, you must learn to blend into your environment. Take off your clothing and rub mud all over your body. The bees do not like the taste of mud. If the bees do not fall for that parlor trick, you must run into nearby water and wait for the bees to pass. They are not foolish. Grab a bamboo stick and hide in the water while you slowly breathe from your bamboo stick. After a few minutes, the bees shall part and you shall be free.

Ah, what a nice boy scout camp... What a shame if a bear came to take someone's picnic basket... Or their very soul... Bears are dangerous creatures. Here are some ways to avoid confrontation with a bear. First, bears (All animals, in general, really) are deathly frightened of furries. Scream yiff yiff and the bear should run away in fear. If the bear is somehow into that, you must play dead. Shortly, the bear shall grow tired and gnaw on your arm a bit. Do not move a muscle even if the bear tears your arm off. He is only testing. As soon as he walks off with your arm, consider yourself lucky. That could've been your skulll.

Another danger in the wilderness is the Night Swallow Panda. While cute and cuddly on the outside, inside it is a deadly killer. During the night, the Night Swallow Panda goes into camps and swallows an entire family whole. It is a truly disturbing sight to see a grown man and an infant child digested in a single gulp by the Night Swallow Panda. During the day, it is harmless. If you are near a Night Swallow Panda group, it is recommended you kill them all in the most horrific way possible. Hang their carcasses on the trees to scare away any other Night Swallow Pandas from entering your campsite. If a Night Swallow Panda is not frightened by that warning, give your baby a knife. The Night Swallow Panda goes for the infants first. When the Night Swallow Panda tries to digest the infant, the infant will knowingly use the knife you have given. The Night Swallow Panda will be gutted from the inside out and your infant has just become a man.

There will be more guides later on but, alas, a Night Swallow Panda is trying to digest my cat. It must be dealt with.

[ncba93ivyase]

u lier

[Hyper]

now go get eaten by a shark

[Andrew1911]

bump 4 dumshit

[Claquesous]

ahahahaha

Great thread.

[Andrew1911]

FUCKING POST, YOU CUNTS

[Title27GT]

FUCKING POST, YOU CUNTS

not after you call me that

[Andrew1911]

not after you call me that

Shut up, cunt biscuit. 

[Title27GT]

Shut up, cunt biscuit. 

y u say dat to me anjew