Has anyone been "diagnosed" with depression? how do you cope with it? Are you on medication?
It's constantly an uphill battle to just try and get through the day. The most random things trigger it too, like today I read a tumblr post by stranger and all of a sudden I felt really lonely. I'm finding that during the day I don't really have these spats of depression, it's mostly at night when I'm by myself. Things start to spiral and then next thing I know I just feel really empty inside. I've tried a few things in the past, including Prozac. Anti depressants make me feel autonomous, like I'm just on auto-pilot in life and I loathed it. Sure, I didn't feel the hopelessness anymore, but it seemed harder to take joy in the small things I used to love.
I've made progress though. I've eliminated fast food from my diet as I've heard that your diet affects your mind as well as your body. It makes sense, if you eat shit you'll feel like shit.
Also, I'm not sure if this is a byproduct of depression, but it seems like I'm more bitter than most people around me. Like it's hard for me to get over things that I should be over. Therapy is something that has been mentioned to me, and I don't really think it's a bad idea. It's just hard for me to talk to a complete stranger about anything, and it would be super intense to try and talk to a stranger about stressful things.
also i wasn't sure if this belonged here or somewhere else as I'm confused about things and tired.
I definitely used to be depressed, I felt like I was forcing myself through a thick sludge every day just to make a normal appearance for people.
The easy things I tried that worked were controlling my diet, exercising regularly, and regulating my sleep habits like a normal person. Those things really do make a difference. I also tried taking St. John's Wort for awhile, and I'm pretty sure I actually noticed some subtle (and natural) mood-lifting effects from it.
I had all kinds of theories about
why I was depressed, involving monoamine levels and genetic inheritances and being stuck in stupid parts of my life (mainly high school, which probably was the reason). Where monoamines are concerned, 5-HTP supplements for serotonin production would definitely be worth trying just to note the effect. Multi-vitamins and eating lots of fruits/vegetables are also crucial for mood chemical production. Taking supplements won't magically alleviate all symptoms of depression, obviously, but you do have to start with your body to make headway.
In general, I just tried to spend most of my time deflecting the little drive and interest I had into external things, to avoid getting too deep inside my head, acknowledging that I was just kind of fucked for the moment and carrying on as best I could... I spent many days curating my iTunes library or reading fiction, then.
If the problem isn't that you're stuck in circumstances, then the best thing I can recommend is just to divorce yourself from your surroundings and change your environment... go and live anywhere but where you are (money allowing). Make leaving a goal, plan for it, and start getting excited for it.
Things will look up, they always do. happydood;
Quote from: N o t S i d on December 15, 2011, 11:59:18 PM
also i wasn't sure if this belonged here or somewhere else as I'm confused about things and tired.
I think this is the best board for it. Offline Discussion probably would have been fine too, but I assume you're looking for serious answers...
I don't know if I was "diagnosed" with depression, but I went through several therapists and anger management specialists... none of them very helpful. A neurologist also tried to prescribe me anti-depressant pills but I refused them because I feel like it's something that shouldn't be "solved" with a pill.
But yeah some days I'll just randomly get incredibly sad and feel as though I'm going nowhere, that no one actually likes me, that everything is pointless, and that I'm a huge disappointment to everyone. Nothing necessarily sets this off but I hate how alone I feel sometimes even after just hanging out with friends.
It is managed much better now since I have found great friends who I can trust with my emotions. I usually just bullshit everyone and avoid saying how I really feel but it is a wonderful release to finally get some things off of my chest. When my dad was at war I didn't have that and that's probably the root of my depression and anger problems
Depression is an oh-so-common staple within my family. I grew up around my mother being depressed, and having many spastic episodes as a result of the depression.
At a young age I was very impressionable, and I grew accustomed to the ways she acted, how she felt, things she did, and I felt like I had reason to be sad and/or depressed also. There were times when I knew I was just looking for a reason to be depressed.
When I was 15 I was officially diagnosed with depression and underlying anger (wut). That was right after my dad's death, and there was a lot of difficulty differentiating whether or not it was really depression, or simply just grieving. I went through a few therapists. It was nice having someone to talk to like that, but overall I feel like seeing these "professionals" made the situation worse. I had many breakdowns.
Even 4 years after the diagnosis, I'm unsure of whether or not I would still be officially declared as depressed, but I still have many ups and downs. The most miniscule things may ruin my day and I'll end up spending the day moping and self loathing. I try to be self-aware, but it doesn't always help. I surely still have many symptoms from the depression.
I don't believe in depression. I feel the way I feel because that is how my life is. There is coping, there is changing, and there is living. Being upset, brings meaning to everything. But when you reduce everything down to a known feature of the self, you just have to get by.
My dad is diagnosed with depression and I think it is stupid. Not that I think it's stupid it is sad I just feel like he got a lot worse when he starting thinking his sadness could be cured with medication. Because he is just sad because he doesn't do anything but sit in his room with the blinds closed all day.
Sometimes I get sad but I try to remember the best thing to do is not to sit in my room and is to go do something even if I don't have something to do or try to make something or read or something and not get caught up. I just think that people are capable of taking care of their own sadness or loneliness or anxieties. I'm pretty sure sadness comes from expectations of how things should be or attachments to how they once were. If people do their best not to be craving & clinging I think depression will get better.
I was diagnosed with depression by a fucking dermatologist three months after I came out of the closet. I broke down in his office, and we had a heart-to-heart. Then he prescribed me antidepressants, and I never saw him again.
The antidepressants sucked. I didn't like being dependent on something, and I thought I could fight the depression on my own. So I went off of them cold turkey (probably not a good idea).
It took me about a year and a half to really get over it. It really helped to find a hobby to distract me, and to give me something to do. Plus it boosted my self-confidence. It also helps to actively reverse any negative thoughts with positive, and to take a few minutes out of your day devoted to just positive thoughts. This is harder than it sounds, but it works.
I would say I'm the happiest I've been in a very very long time, and I still do my positive thought exercises daily. Once in the morning and once before I go to bed. It helps. really.
My father coped with his depression with alcohol and my mother--well, she had numerous methods to cope, but none of them were positive.
With mines (lolol diagnosed as bipolar, then re-diagnosed as cyclothymic) I just get short, saddening feelings that basks my perspective in a darkened hue. It gravitates a lot of negative feedbacks that are stored inside my memories, silently haunting me until it's ready for them to rewind and repeat themselves until my cognition becomes fragmented and fused with pure self-hatred. I sink like lead inside of myself, and these deadening scenarios start to bleed out from my unconscious, forcing me to accept that it was "my fault". I guess, depression is when everything seems like it was "your fault".
This is one type of my 'depression'
The other type affects my body more than my actual moods. It just strikes me and my body becomes very lethargic, borderline catatonic--I just don't give a care anymore! Or, I probably lack cognition to give a care anymore, either way--I sink and eating or cleaning or keeping myself alive seems like they're miles away from my hands. Time becomes unrecognizable, and sleep becomes non-existent (insomnia, usually for me). Phone calls seem like heavy burdens, moving around the room exhausts you so much, thinking about tomorrow becomes a riddle. Everything just seems so far and so distant, and so large and huge. cry;
I try to be self-aware to get rid of irrationality, but it always backlashes and mutates into some sort of existential crisis.
Eating healthy didn't really work that well, especially when chewing food just repulsed me to no end.
Exercise, hmm--this was the only thing that moderately worked. Sure, I felt empty afterwards, but I didn't feel like crying.
I guess most of this *is*, some way or another, self-imposed. I'm literally addicted to my own suffering--it brings new thoughts and new ideas! But, I can't really control it that well, and I get lost in the maddening sea of my own insecurity.
And it always worries someone because the line between me controlling my depression and depression controlling me fades really quick.
lol despite of all of this i do get really energetic and i 'snap' out of my sadness with a zesty burst of joy
unfortunately it pisses off a lot of people and causes a lot of fights
and i'm so goddamn misunderstood cry;
i don't go on meds for it, i'm very afraid it'd take away my natural 'highs'
My doctor put me on antidepressants for anxiety disorder lol.
I overdosed because they made me depressed. I was diagnosed with "general depression" after that but lol fuck that.
I'm fine now but ever since the antidepressants I feel like I haven't been able to focus on things for as long as I used to (as in keeping interest so I haven't bothered with much programmings :( ).
I see a correlation between 'problems' and 'doctors', 'treatment' and 'big pharma'.
Quote from: Socks on December 25, 2011, 09:38:44 AM
I see a correlation between 'problems' and 'doctors', 'treatment' and 'big pharma'.
Hence why I don't initiate antidepressants prescribed by someone who isn't heavily trained in psychiatry.
I've had a formal diagnosis of "major depressive disorder," but I think my problems are more heavily rooted than that.
I've been considering initiating cognitive-behavioural therapy twice weekly as fortunately it is covered by my insurance to discover the roots of my depression and uncover the traumatic repressed memories that serve to relapse me into deeper lows.
Quote from: Socks on December 25, 2011, 09:38:44 AM
I see a correlation between 'problems' and 'doctors', 'treatment' and 'big pharma'.
I couldn't agree more...
Maybe we should just outlaw marketing of prescription medication to patients who have no medical knowledge.
I'm pretty sure I've been in some state of depression on and off ever since breaking up with Hensa. Never diagnosed, though.
Quote from: Khadafi on December 28, 2011, 08:56:42 PM
Maybe we should just outlaw marketing of prescription medication to patients who have no medical knowledge.
That's not really the problem; I don't think most people would ask for a specific medication. Rather, close the doors between doctors and the pharmaceutical representatives that influence them to prescribe expensive new medications that do not have any long-term studies.
Quote from: Felt on December 28, 2011, 09:16:46 PM
That's not really the problem; I don't think most people would ask for a specific medication. Rather, close the doors between doctors and the pharmaceutical representatives that influence them to prescribe expensive new medications that do not have any long-term studies.
Uh the commercials give lists of symptoms that a person could see and go 'well maybe i haven't felt like participating in my favorite hobby in the last week or two and my back does hurt. maybe i should ask my doctor about depressolexa'
A patient should not be the one asking a doctor about a specific medication. And a doctor who is not a psychologist or psychiatrist should not be the one who is asked about or prescribes these types of medications.
There's a reason the US is one of the few/only countries that allows this.
Maybe I have too much faith in humanity for it to be goaded by some bouncing sad ovular being. But I believe it's mostly drug detailing (1-on-1 interactions between drug reps and physicians) that drives the sale of prescription drugs, and it is certainly a larger part of a typical pharmaceutical advertising budget than direct-to-consumer marketing.
(And psychologists cannot just be given a prescription pad in most states.)
Quote from: Azunyan on December 28, 2011, 08:59:40 PM
I'm pretty sure I've been in some state of depression on and off ever since breaking up with Hensa. Never diagnosed, though.
Before you met Hensa, would you say you say you really had any drive in life?
Quote from: <sub>Pancake</sub> <sup>Persona</sup> on December 29, 2011, 05:39:06 PM
Before you met Hensa, would you say you say you really had any drive in life?
Not really. It was around the same time she and I hooked up that I started having anything I wanted to do with my life. I was dealing with depression for a while before she and I got together, but some of that was more or less just teen angst. Once we got together, things were generally pretty great except for being lovesick since I was across the country from her. Around that time is when I really started writing a lot, so I had something that I wanted to do with my life, and I worked at it pretty hard.
I guess you could say that I have always been more or less at least a little bit depressed...or at least lovesick while with Hensa. But ever since she left me it's been much, much worse than ever before. But right now, I'm actually doing a bit better than I was during school.
Have you considered using this for your writing?
It may help with the depression and bring out new aspects of your writing.
Quote from: Khadafi on December 29, 2011, 06:10:37 PM
Have you considered using this for your writing?
It may help with the depression and bring out new aspects of your writing.
This is a good suggestion. Back when I was going through shit in high school, I channeled my emotions into my acting. It was very therapeutic.
they say that the best art is influenced by pain.
Love really is a good driver in life. It focuses you on what you want and why very well. I feel like I have often lacked direction, focus, and drive since being alone. Not sure if I've been depressed or not. Maybe sometimes? I don't know. I vent on Boyah a lot so maybe you guys can decide.
Also yeah, advertising medication is a pretty bad idea. I don't think it should be outlawed though. If you really want to start finding solutions to your problems, you should read shit up on medical sites and wikipedia, not listen to a commercial. Or see a doctor instead, whatever. But medical commercials are shitty.
The people who are going to ask doctors about medication they see on TV commercials probably don't have much overlap with the people who research decisions on the internet.
Quote from: Khadafi on January 02, 2012, 08:38:34 AM
The people who are going to ask doctors about medication they see on TV commercials probably don't have much overlap with the people who research decisions on the internet.
I agree.
But I just also generally disagree with making things illegal that aren't outright directly harmful.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Unipolar_depressive_disorders_world_map_-_DALY_-_WHO2004.svg
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_depressive_disorder#Epidemiology (Click show under prevalence)
Compare the US with most of Europe where Direct to Consumer Advertising is banned. Other than France and Scandinavia (where Season Affective Disorder is a problem). New Zealand, surprisingly has a low rate even though they allow dtca.
You then have some shitty countries which have depression rates for obvious reasons (then even shittier countries with very low rates, most likely due to a lack of doctors to diagnose such. All of Africa pretty much.)
http://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(02)08383-6/fulltext - Brazil bans it but the companies disregard the laws and look at its rates.
http://www.indegene.com/html/indegene_in_news/News_%20Mint.pdf - India bans it but companies have got around it by advertising services which then recommend medications. India also has very high rates.
If you compare the US to the European Union and, to a lesser degree, compare the two countries where laws are being ignored or worked around to the EU it is clear that DTCA is correlated with much higher rates of diagnosis.
I'd argue that side effects ranging from simple dependence to things such as increased risks of heart attack, stroke, other diseases, and suicide are outright directly harmful.
I don't think banning the product itself should be an option (unless there is a safer alternative that accomplishes the same task to a similar or better degree) but I see not issue with banning how things are marketed. Banning DCTA does not disallow advertisement to physicians. However, prescriptions by doctors should be be allowed to be incentivized.
Looking at the correlation between DCTA (Whether legal, skirted around, or bans being ignored) happening and not happening and taking into affect the harm that can be caused by anti-depressants I would say it is harmful to allow it and it adds to benefit to the consumer.
It doesn't save them money since insurance would cover either. Paying out of the pocket would cost them more since it'd be cheaper to buy a generic.
It doesn't result in a healthier decision since the doctor would know more which is a better option. It may actually result in the opposite if the patient keeps insisting on the drug they saw advertised rather than the one the doctor thinks is a better option.
It creates a rise in self-diagnosis.
These only serve to buffer the wallets of pharmaceutical companies.
Also, note I am not referring to marketing of OTC products such as allergy or cold medicine, aspirin/ibuprofen, anti-gas stuff, and things like that.
Direct-to-consumer marketing is not the sole reason for the high prevalence of depression seen in the US versus other countries. There's certainly a lot of awareness (and not just due to the aforementioned DTC ads for antidepressant drugs) and a lot less stigma surrounding depression in the US, which means more people are willing to seek treatment. There's certainly a high degree of income inequality in the US, which has been linked to higher rates of depression.
perhaps the stigma thing is in part due to dtc for anti-depressants being every 5th or 6th commercial on tv therefore making it seem more common.
While others are a factor, I think it would make sense to eliminate one cause of the higher depression rate since it brings to benefits to the table.
It's like saying that because cancer can be caused by more than inhalation of asbestos like smoking, sunlight, genetics, and so on that asbestos should be be banned from use in certain locations. but not even because asbestos at least offers fire proofing.
Obviously banning DTC won't lower actual depression rates but it will decrease rates of false self diagnosis, requests of drugs that are less than ideal to deal with real cases, and all the negativity that comes with higher anti-depressant use.
I don't think I have ever seen a commercial for depression medication.
I can think cholesterol, erectile dysfunction, and blood pressure commercials, but that's it for prescription meds I think.
Also arthritis.
really?
I always used to see Cymbalta and Zoloft commercials among others. I didn't have cable for the longest time but i still anti-depressant commercials frequently.
I've never heard of those lol
Quote from: Khadafi on January 03, 2012, 05:04:22 AM
really?
I always used to see Cymbalta and Zoloft commercials among others. I didn't have cable for the longest time but i still anti-depressant commercials frequently.
I'll second this.
I've never had cable, but network television at least used to saturate commercial breaks during primetime with anti-depressant ads.
[spoiler][youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTZvnAF7UsA [/youtube][/spoiler]
Cymbalta had a number of varients of this one.
[spoiler][youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXuMld0VwuU&feature=related[/youtube][/spoiler]
Pristiq had a pretty big campaign a while back with this one. I know for a fact that there's at least one other version of this commercial, shot for shot with another person.
Abilify's another big perpetrator.
Pristiq's run has been the worst one I've seen. At one point, I can honestly say they pumped one of those into every break during network primetime scheduling. I don't remember what network.
DTCA is dangerous and fucking abhorrent. There is so little logic behind marketing a prescription drug to individuals outside of medical personnel.
There's a growing problem of antidepressants being just handed out by doctors outside of a psychiatric specialty in the absence of a psychiatric diagnosis when a patient presents just general sadness or stress for seemingly off-label uses. I would argue that antidepressants should be placed on a higher schedule, so prescriptions could be further scrutinized.
Quote from: Boognish-Redux- on January 03, 2012, 12:34:40 PM
I'll second this.
I've never had cable, but network television at least used to saturate commercial breaks during primetime with anti-depressant ads.
[spoiler][youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTZvnAF7UsA [/youtube][/spoiler]
Cymbalta had a number of varients of this one.
[spoiler][youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXuMld0VwuU&feature=related[/youtube][/spoiler]
Pristiq had a pretty big campaign a while back with this one. I know for a fact that there's at least one other version of this commercial, shot for shot with another person.
Abilify's another big perpetrator.
Pristiq's run has been the worst one I've seen. At one point, I can honestly say they pumped one of those into every break during network primetime scheduling. I don't remember what network.
DTCA is dangerous and fucking abhorrent. There is so little logic behind marketing a prescription drug to individuals outside of medical personnel.
wtf lol I have never heard of any of these either confuseddood;
They were on TV constantly. I recognize all of the above.
http://youtubedoubler.com/?video1=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DuVNZ8ZBP5gY&start1=&video2=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DwXuMld0VwuU%26feature%3Dplayer_embedded&start2=&authorName=Drugs+drugs+drug+me+down
Depression is equal opportunity.
Hm maybe it is because the only TV I watched was like history channel and cnn? idk.
Quote from: applesauce on January 04, 2012, 08:29:14 PM
Hm maybe it is because the only TV I watched was like history channel and cnn? idk.
I've seen a copious amount of DTC advertising especially for antidepressants/SSRIs on CNN, so yeah.
Quote from: Felt on January 04, 2012, 08:31:48 PM
I've seen a copious amount of DTC advertising especially for antidepressants/SSRIs on CNN, so yeah.
well huh. Maybe I just don't pay attention.
I have been diagnosed with Depression. Part of it is an actual chemical imbalance and it's familial. Part of it is just that my life is pretty shitty, and part of it is that I have other shit wrong with me that causes depression. I have ADD and fail at school stuff, therefore I get depressed. I have anxiety and control problems, chasing my loved ones away from me, which makes me depressed...idk. I tried that medication stuff, and it worked for a bit, but once I got to be like..17, all meds for psychological issues stopped working on me. All of my meds for my OCD, ADD, ODD, Depression, Anxiety Attacks, and whatever the fuck else the doctors decided was wrong with me stopped working. I kinda...just cope. I push through it, sometimes in healthy ways (writing music, reading a book, cuddles), sometimes in not so healthy ways(drinking, promiscuous sex, crying song lyrics into my pillows while cutting myself). I try to just...give myself other things to think about. Keep busy and it goes away. Idk.
I fail at life sometimes. >.<
Sounds like a boyager.
Quote from: Khadafi on January 08, 2012, 10:20:47 PM
Sounds like a boyager.
THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT WHEN I FIRST STARTED TALKING TO HER
QuoteKeep busy and it goes away.
glad to hear someone's figured it out!
Quote from: Master Shake on March 03, 2013, 04:45:31 PM
glad to hear someone's figured it out!
that method's also affective for anxiety lol
isnt hte Point of the Pills just there so u get up and do shit
Quote from: silvertone on March 03, 2013, 06:32:09 PM
isnt hte Point of the Pills just there so u get up and do shit
Get you out of the "FUNK""""
i've probably been depressed since age 12 or so
Quote from: Snack Dad on March 04, 2013, 10:48:10 PM
i've probably been depressed since age 12 or so
probably
Diagnosed with major depression here.
I cope with it...by just going on the Internet, trying to go outside sometimes, and/or I'll e-mail a friend or two about it. (Not actually peers...they're professors I just got along with and talk with.) I do take medication- but my medicated days are depleting because I can't afford them anymore. They only somewhat worked for me, anyway. Depression for me can be triggered by "random" things. But most of the time, it's just caused by the present- for now.
I hope things have gotten better ever since then, NotSid.
Quote from: The Last MIB on March 06, 2013, 02:13:06 PM
Diagnosed with major depression here.
I cope with it...by just going on the Internet, trying to go outside sometimes, and/or I'll e-mail a friend or two about it. (Not actually peers...they're professors I just got along with and talk with.) I do take medication- but my medicated days are depleting because I can't afford them anymore. They only somewhat worked for me, anyway. Depression for me can be triggered by "random" things. But most of the time, it's just caused by the present- for now.
I hope things have gotten better ever since then, NotSid.
I'm really sorry to hear that man.
I used to consider myself mildly depressed but I went through a weird life transition where I stopped using the internet excessively and it helped a lot. Might not be a solution to your problem, since for me it was mostly having better friends on the internet than in real life.
so yeah, this
this depression thing
for me it's always been something that comes and goes, i usually "get over it" pretty quickly at least to the point where i can do things i enjoy and be happy about them. of course it's usually still lurking in the back of my mind and it sometimes comes back out briefly at night. but for the most part, it's cyclical and lasts for a few days and then goes away for a while again.
and it's been hitting me full force since i woke up yesterday. like a lot worse than usual. i don't know. yesterday i like seriously just sat and stared at my computer all day. for a while i was whining on tumblr and i was listening to a lot of andrew jackson jihad (i listen to them a lot regardless of my mood though), but for the most part i just sat and did literally nothing but stare at my screen or around the room and feel like shit and i could never get myself to do anything i wanted to.
that's the part that i dislike the most about it, really - not being able to do anything. it's like, you know if you just did something you enjoy, it could probably take your mind off your feelings and make you feel better for a while. you know it would. but you just can't. it's across the room and you can't get up.
also, something in my life that's kinda dumb happened recently that has probably contributed to this, which is that i started being a pretty close friend with a nice girl online who got overly attached to me and i just sorta let it happen and she's got crippling depression and she's bipolar and has billions of problems like you wouldn't believe. and i have been shitty and largely ignoring her lately because literally every single day i'd have to deal with her depressive side and it was a huge stressful ordeal and i just can't handle that shit because i'm just as weak myself. i mean i already told her that i just wanted to be her friend, like i seriously cannot do relationships right now, let alone a shitty one over the goddamn internet, but really meeting me has just made her life worse and meeting her made mine worse so whoops
today i'm at work, and there's little to do. tonight when i have shit to do, closing up shop and all, i'll probably feel a little better. but when it's dead like this, i have nothing to keep my mind off my feelings.
I feel like I'm more productive when I get depressed. I hate when I'm happy because my anxiety somehow rises because I become maniacal.
Quote from: Madotsuki on March 11, 2013, 11:48:51 AM
so yeah, this
this depression thing
for me it's always been something that comes and goes, i usually "get over it" pretty quickly at least to the point where i can do things i enjoy and be happy about them. of course it's usually still lurking in the back of my mind and it sometimes comes back out briefly at night. but for the most part, it's cyclical and lasts for a few days and then goes away for a while again.
and it's been hitting me full force since i woke up yesterday. like a lot worse than usual. i don't know. yesterday i like seriously just sat and stared at my computer all day. for a while i was whining on tumblr and i was listening to a lot of andrew jackson jihad (i listen to them a lot regardless of my mood though), but for the most part i just sat and did literally nothing but stare at my screen or around the room and feel like shit and i could never get myself to do anything i wanted to.
that's the part that i dislike the most about it, really - not being able to do anything. it's like, you know if you just did something you enjoy, it could probably take your mind off your feelings and make you feel better for a while. you know it would. but you just can't. it's across the room and you can't get up.
also, something in my life that's kinda dumb happened recently that has probably contributed to this, which is that i started being a pretty close friend with a nice girl online who got overly attached to me and i just sorta let it happen and she's got crippling depression and she's bipolar and has billions of problems like you wouldn't believe. and i have been shitty and largely ignoring her lately because literally every single day i'd have to deal with her depressive side and it was a huge stressful ordeal and i just can't handle that shit because i'm just as weak myself. i mean i already told her that i just wanted to be her friend, like i seriously cannot do relationships right now, let alone a shitty one over the goddamn internet, but really meeting me has just made her life worse and meeting her made mine worse so whoops
today i'm at work, and there's little to do. tonight when i have shit to do, closing up shop and all, i'll probably feel a little better. but when it's dead like this, i have nothing to keep my mind off my feelings.
what are things that you'd like to be doing that you aren't because of your depression?
my typical hobbies. games, anime, reading, writing. the last one i'm struggling to get back into right now because i feel like it's my ~calling in life~ or whatever you want to call it but depression is just making it harder to do so
even though depression is exactly what i've been writing about lately lol
i've been also thinking of other things i could try to get into to help me. i've been thinkign about making silly noisy gay music in garageband if i can figure out how all that works.
but yea basically i just mean depression is making it really hard to do any of the hobbies that i normally would do
i have managed to not let it overtake my musical growth though, so that's good
After downloading Yume Nikki yesterday, and playing only a half hour of it. It just took me into this desolate hole of space and I couldn't focus on my homework, I had to get offline and just watch netflix streaming. All the neon colors in horrible contrast just made me feel sick like I was stuck on shrooms or something as if my room was a place I didn't know very well. It made me feel like the creator knew exactly what it was like to be in that stuck field and used it. Those patterns man, I like them a lot but never want to see them when I'm in certain head-spaces, they instantly give me like a wave of headaches. I seriously could only take that game for so long before feeling like i was falling in a void. It's like a dizzy feeling where I can't focus on anything and can't think about anything else other than this nauseous feeling. When it gets to be the most intense I physically can't stop shaking. Thankfully I've been getting better at controlling it, and rarely it gets that bad.
It was probably a bad time to be playing it because like you said depression comes in cycles, and I've been feeling really faint all week. It feels like my consciousness is letting go and I got to stop myself from falling out of consciousness, which at the same time increases my heartbeat into a panic state. I wasn't going to mention it, but here I am in the depression thread. The weird thing is this started a year ago in February, then went away, and started coming back again this year in February-March. Oh and a very important note: this usually happens after I smoke weed. Like I smoked before playing Yume Nikki. I've been trying to narrow down what's causing this for a year now, and I think it's the weed. But the thing is after it somewhat went away last year, I could smoke and be totally fine. So I didn't stop smoking. This year I'm pretty sure the weed helps trigger it, so this month I haven't really been smoking.
So what works for me is just putting on a show I enjoy and wait for it to subside.I think it could have to do with not eating right and not exercising enough. Actually hip hop is one of the best tools to make me happy. I also feel some people are miserable because they want people to know they're miserable/hate everything, when on the other hand people are miserable but don't let it get them down, and that's what I strive for. Never let em see you weak.
I wrote more, but I hate saying more than needed. Sometimes it's nice to just write it all out, and then delete it.
i can understand Yume Nikki making you feel that way - especially because Madotsuki probably feels that way, and that's probably why her dreams are the way they are
for me, i wouldn't say that it makes me any more depressed, more like i feel like i get more out of it when i am lol
in other depression related news, i am actually feeling a lot better now. like i said, cyclical. but in very quick cycles.
Glad to hear that!
Have you heard of dirty electricity? Cuz my room is rampant with cables and powered things that are constantly running.
Just something to be aware of. I don't take it very seriously, but maybe I should.
"Many people complain about a variety of side effects to dirty power, these can include headaches, ringing in the ears, trouble focusing, and a variety of other symptoms. If you suffer from some of these symptoms then you may want to discuss this with your doctor. For more information on the health effects of dirty electricity please read Health Effects of Electrical Pollution."
Quote from: Madotsuki on March 11, 2013, 11:48:51 AM
so yeah, this
this depression thing
for me it's always been something that comes and goes, i usually "get over it" pretty quickly at least to the point where i can do things i enjoy and be happy about them. of course it's usually still lurking in the back of my mind and it sometimes comes back out briefly at night. but for the most part, it's cyclical and lasts for a few days and then goes away for a while again.
and it's been hitting me full force since i woke up yesterday. like a lot worse than usual. i don't know. yesterday i like seriously just sat and stared at my computer all day. for a while i was whining on tumblr and i was listening to a lot of andrew jackson jihad (i listen to them a lot regardless of my mood though), but for the most part i just sat and did literally nothing but stare at my screen or around the room and feel like shit and i could never get myself to do anything i wanted to.
that's the part that i dislike the most about it, really - not being able to do anything. it's like, you know if you just did something you enjoy, it could probably take your mind off your feelings and make you feel better for a while. you know it would. but you just can't. it's across the room and you can't get up.
also, something in my life that's kinda dumb happened recently that has probably contributed to this, which is that i started being a pretty close friend with a nice girl online who got overly attached to me and i just sorta let it happen and she's got crippling depression and she's bipolar and has billions of problems like you wouldn't believe. and i have been shitty and largely ignoring her lately because literally every single day i'd have to deal with her depressive side and it was a huge stressful ordeal and i just can't handle that shit because i'm just as weak myself. i mean i already told her that i just wanted to be her friend, like i seriously cannot do relationships right now, let alone a shitty one over the goddamn internet, but really meeting me has just made her life worse and meeting her made mine worse so whoops
today i'm at work, and there's little to do. tonight when i have shit to do, closing up shop and all, i'll probably feel a little better. but when it's dead like this, i have nothing to keep my mind off my feelings.
[Posting this in parts if this works.]
Part I:
(Most are within my opinion, perspective, schema, etc.. I may be fallacious, irrational, judgmental, and etc.. I am limited in knowledge. There may be typos in this post, so certain parts may be dismissed. I don't intend to offend, but I'm sorry if I do in the end.)
You've described some of the symptoms I experience. And I know I don't truly have a say in your personal events and don't know what is actually going on in-depth, but regardless, I do feel like giving some of my input. And maybe you've already reflected what I'm about to say- or it could be irrelevant- fuck it I'll start now:
About your scenario with the bi-polar girl, if you feel guilty about ignoring her- note that it isn't only you who is at "fault" (I'm assuming that you offered her to vent.) but she is, too, when she expects someone to help her deal with her emotions and endeavors when you have your own. Though, I'm not trying to say that letting one express shit to another is bad, but there's no doubt that there's a point to when it gets overwhelming. And the main point is not trying to shift the guilt- but emphasizing that it's not your "fault" that you have limits- and I'm glad you've expressed your limits. It also seems she has problems with boundaries- not considering how she's past the limit of your involvement. At least you've established that you still wanted to be friends.
(Cont.)
[Hey, it's actually bypassing the 404.]
Part II:
Although you say you're weak, the only things I can suggest are:
- That you introduce yourself into things you've never considered before when your default hobbies are just not working for you
- When you're willing and unwilling at the same time to do something, push yourself towards the option with more productivity
(Cont.)
Part III:
- If your depression is "active," (When one repetitively attacks themselves.) I suggest you identify which things are exaggerated- because sometimes one can make a problem seem like the biggest thing ever. You can also reason with some of the things you attack yourself with. Depression can literally be seen as a debate that one hasn't stood up against. I stood against myself a shitload of times to the point where I can finally stand up for myself in person. You can
(Cont.)
(http://imageshack.us/a/img35/9386/fuck404.png)
[Endddd. Fucking time-consuming but I'm relieved.]
Sorry if it was annoying and long to follow and read.
all i know is that any time i take a second to think about my life i dig myself into a pit of self-hatred that lasts for a few hours and i fucking hate talking about it or even indicating anything about my feelings because i feel like a whiny bitch who just needs to grow the fuck up already?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????