Ehg????

[Boogus Epirus Aurelius]

Writing a fiction piece for a class and I'm really really satisfied with the result, something that rarely happens.
There's one passage that feels disgustingly hinky to me though. Disregard the context and tell me if it flows. I dont think it does. It feels forced.

It's near the middle of the piece.

     Savoy fell to the floor, his flailing hand overturning the glass of red wine that had been resting on the end table. His head landed and bounced on the carpet, eyes fixed on the underside of the bed, unable to move. Inside he laughed and laughed, thinking what Mollyââ,¬â,,¢s reaction would be to the red wine on the carpet, betting sheââ,¬â,,¢d notice that before his own stoic body. He felt sensation leaving his person permanently, dripping from his fingers and bare toes like a leaky faucet. No flashbacks. No bright light. No moment of complete realization. Just an empty, quiet feeling of nothingness, which isnââ,¬â,,¢t really a feeling at all. His mind did a final dizzying reel until it clicked shut. The end of an era.

I dont think I'll get it to click. There's a nice tone in the rest of the story that kind of developed itself, but this kills it.
I dont know what it is.
Damn.

[snorkel]

verbs

flailing hand overturning
had been resting
landed and bounced
laughed and laughed
thinking, betting

also these two sentences are bizarre and bad

Just an empty, quiet feeling of nothingness, which isnââ,¬â,,¢t really a feeling at all.
Inside he laughed and laughed, thinking what Mollyââ,¬â,,¢s reaction would be to the red wine on the carpet, betting sheââ,¬â,,¢d notice that before his own stoic body.

[Boogus Epirus Aurelius]

Ok, so too many verbs.
It does feel too heavy.

The rest of the piece is fluid, but I got caught on this again and again.
It's a snag.
I have to have this by tomorrow and I"m fried fried fried.

Maybe I can just emit the whole thing. Describing death is smarmy anyway.
Maybe just insinuating it would be more edgy?

[rdl]

Maybe you should rewrite the ending. Change it entirely. I dunno if you can but maybe deep down you think it sucks so you can't get it to sound right.

[Boogus Epirus Aurelius]

It's not the ending.
I've got my ending very comfortably tied.

This guy isn't the protagonist, but he was a bigger character and I wanted to do a death bit, but it sounds like something out of a pre-teen's diary.
I dont know how to do it without it being terribly cheesy.

[Socks]

Maybe just insinuating it would be more edgy?

I would feel robbed, as a reader. That frenzy feeling spilling over into shock can't be captured in a 'more edgy' way, I feel.
As far as the fluidity of the piece, it's hard to say, judging in isolation sucks. The critical parts of that passage are solid. Keeping in mind the mention verb sequence something that bothers me is perhaps too much 'he' and all it's incarnations. Also, some of the abrupt changes in narrative don't quite capture that subtle shift in perspective and tone because everything is still describe the same. I.e in that same pattern of events and revelation.

Savoy fell to the floor, his flailing hand overturning the glass of red wine that had been resting on the end table. His head landed and bounced on the carpet, eyes fixed on the underside of the bed, unable to move. Inside he laughed and laughed, thinking what Mollyââ,¬â,,¢s reaction would be to the red wine on the carpet, betting sheââ,¬â,,¢d notice that before his own stoic body.


something more like?

Savory fell to the floor. The red wine spread quickly in a large pool as the glass rolled to a stop against the wall; the flailing arm now lay soaked and still. Pain seared in his head from the impact, but his eyes fixed on the underside of the bed and were unwilling to move. Suddenly and silently he laughed, realizing his stoic body would not have Molly's sympathy. That, he though, would likely always be reserved for the carpet, that now bore this stain upon it.


just trying to help. writing is fickle and in the end it's best to go with your gut. its influence can sway even the most critical of minds.

[sans culottes]

if this isn't followed by savoy and molly getting it on, i'm not interested

[Hiro]

Socks, i found your version to be much worse. It was just overly complex

[Socks]

Socks, i found your version to be much worse. It was just overly complex

i do have a tendency to be wordy 

[Boogus Epirus Aurelius]

Thanks a bunch for the input.
I'm still tweaking a bit.
I haven't been this frustrated in a while. It feels like I'm trying to catch a cloud with a butterfly net.

[rdl]

To be honest your original version was fine except for the last few sentences. They just felt awkward. That should be what you're focusing on.

[Socks]

To be honest your original version was fine except for the last few sentences. They just felt awkward. That should be what you're focusing on.

personally, i really liked the second half

[rdl]

personally, i really liked the second half

Oh woops, i meant the first half. my bad. but i don't like this sentence very much: "Just an empty, quiet feeling of nothingness, which isnââ,¬â,,¢t really a feeling at all."

I'd get rid of the "which isn't really a feeling at all".

[Boogus Epirus Aurelius]

I know it sucks that there's no other context, but I wanted to put a slight emphasis on Molly's predicted indifference.
She's a colder character.
    Mollyââ,¬â,,¢s immaculate bedroom was a perfect reflection of her personality. White walls, white sheets, white light seeping from the bedside lamp which sported a black shade, an odd contrast to the sterile environment. The only other blemish was Savoy, sitting silent on the edge of the bed, head in hands and heart in mouth.   

Oh woops, i meant the first half. my bad. but i don't like this sentence very much: "Just an empty, quiet feeling of nothingness, which isnââ,¬â,,¢t really a feeling at all."

I'd get rid of the "which isn't really a feeling at all".

Agreed. It's been happily trashed.

[Samus Aran]

i think your main problem here is wordiness and too much information

things like describing where the wine glass had been sitting really don't work with "eloquent" language, if you ask me, and things like "landed and bounced" cause silly redundancy (simply "bounced" is descriptive enough, not to mention a more colorful image)

i was going to attempt to simply rewrite your excerpt, but it turned out to be a lot harder than i expected to try to keep some of your style in there

try breaking apart sentences to find your important clauses, try switching your passive verbs, typical stuff like that