how do u console someone who's mother was just diagnosed with liver cancer

[C.Mongler]

help im not good at this 

[ME##]

I feel like I’m bad at this too.  But I just try to be empathetic and tell them up front that I have very little experience dealing with what you’re going throw.  Most people just want a person to talk to in times like this rather than someone who can tell the what to do or other such information lol 

[C.Mongler]

i suppose thats a fair point. i guess i'm just very 'do X and Y to get to Z outcome' for most things and that's not really how cancers or emotional support works.


also for the record the 'someone' is my live-in GF so this is going to be an ever-present aspect of my own life for the foreseeable future as well

[YPrrrr]

Idk you just have to be there and look sad and cuddle her and assume most of the questions she'll ask are only rhetorical

[silvertone]

"aww thats a bummer man. you wanna light up? it cures depression and cancer."

[silvertone]

pls dont give her diet tips, suggestions to weird clinical trials, magnet bracelets or things like that. everyone says taht shit and no one wants to hear it

[C.Mongler]

my gf's mother has lost over 30 lbs in the past 6 months  as a 5' 2" woman so im p sure she's good on diet tips 

[Kalahari Inkantation]

I was wondering why you seemed less active these past few days.

it's certainly not an easy situation for anyone to be in, esp. not if you have no relevant experience

but like the others said, i think just being empathetic and making yourself available as much as you can as a shoulder to lean on and a sponge for emotions and thoughts of all sorts is key

i guess i'm just very 'do X and Y to get to Z outcome' for most things and that's not really how cancers or emotional support works.

yeah absolutely leave the advising to the doctors lol, that's their job, not yours

do what you can to keep her spirits up (depending on the severity of the situation, maybe whip out the old 'you never know with medicine these days' speech), but at the same time, definitely don't set her hopes unrealistically high

my gf's mother has lost over 30 lbs in the past 6 months  as a 5' 2" woman so im p sure she's good on diet tips 

Not a pleasant feeling, I assure you.

i can only hope she was a little on the overweight side before such dramatic weight loss took place

also,

*whose mother

[silvertone]

my gf's mother has lost over 30 lbs in the past 6 months  as a 5' 2" woman so im p sure she's good on diet tips 

  yea well everyone knows a miracle method that cures cancer. its Bullshid

[Kalahari Inkantation]

also don't be surprised (but feel free to be dejected) if such a stressful situation ends up putting stress on your relationship itself, but do try to be prepared to deal with that (to the extent that you can) if it does happen

[FAMY2]

Sorry to hear this.  just let her know you are there for whatever she needs.  As far as her Mom goes she may just want things to be as normal as possible mixed with enough reality so she doesn't think you are ignoring what's going on. sit gown with them and explain how unsure you are and ask them what they are comfortable with. It's hard to do but you will have a better idea. The main thing is to just be there.

[Kalahari Inkantation]

might also help to try to keep you'resel've educated about the situation to the extent that you can, although don't harass anyone into disclosing any details they don't want to share

i mean something as basic as perusing a relevant wikipedia article or two so that you have some baseline idea of what you might have to to anticipate and how to maybe prepare for it

though again, try to resist the urge to use any knowledge of your own to give (medical) advice lol

[C.Mongler]

thank you boyah friends, i have collected these tips into the hat known as "the mind" for later use when necessary

[Hiro]

i would just be there to provide help when it becomes apparent or when asked to do something, be that driving your gf places, making dinner if her day was hard, just listening to her, giving hugs etc
i wouldn't outright seek "solutions" and don't look sad, just offer support.

[C.Mongler]

hey i just feel like updating because i'm bored and tired and stressed and have no where else to do it so here it goes boyah you're my therapist now


there was an impromptu update i posted in the picture thread, so catch up on the news there if u haven't:
https://boyah.net/forums2/index.php/topic,46491.msg1568798.html#msg1568798

so unfortunately since that post shit kind of got turned on it's head. they did a biopsy to confirm that her cancer was actually liver cancer and make sure that her liver was healthy enough for surgery when it came time; necessary components of the clinical trial. the bad news: they found out that it actually wasn't liver cancer. this made her ineligible for the clinical trial. what she does have is cholangiocarcinoma, which is cancer of the bile ducts in the liver. it's a very rare form of cancer, and as such, treatment is both difficult and unpredictable. i've read and heard that untreated survival time is about a year. my GF spent basically a day being hysterically upset about this news.

the only silver lining i guess is that thus far it is isolated, and has not spread elsewhere. however she has a tumor about the size of a softball in there.

treatment now is i believe 4 cycles of chemotherapy, with a TACE procedure somewhere in there. TACE being a thing where they run a catheter up your leg and squirt some poison shit at the tumor to further make it chill the fuck out. after that, surgery, which from what i've read is going to be complete shit. she may be in the hospital for weeks. that is if the chemo even does anything, it might not. then, once she's recovered from surgery, she will have chemo again to hopefully weed out any remaining cancer, and in a perfect world she will be cured. the chances of that though, are not high.

the only good news is we will soon be transferring back over to sibley hospital in DC from JH in Baltimore for chemo treatments, which is great because I've missed about a week and a half of work unplanned in the past month. we should be able to arrange for her to get over there on her own. there's still a shitload up in the air, but all we can do right now is try to remain postiive, and make her life as comfortable as possible in the meantime. we are hoping she'll be able to remain mostly independent (not that we won't be visiting her as much as possible), but we have some options laid out for having her move in with us if it becomes necessary.

the biggest kick in the dick is yet again insurance. today while driving back from her most recent appointment (she had a mediport put in for ease of chemo treatments) we got a call saying we needed to put down a two fucking thousand dollar deposit tomorrow. apparently her insurance isn't covering it? we're not really sure what the fuck the deal is, as she has both medicaid and medicare coverage. we're meeting with a financial advisor to try and figure this shit out, but i'm feel like i'm going to have a hard time not becoming angry during that shit. like what the fuck is healthcare for if it won't have your back when you have one of the worst diseases immaginable? the fuck america. also why the fuck do they think it's appropriate to just drop a 'oh hey you'll need 2 grand tomorrow btw' on a god damn cancer patient less than 24 hours before her appointment. idk.

we'll figure it out i guess, maybe i'll get to make one of those cool gofundmes that everyone is wild about.

cancer is a fucking trip man, shit. i also have a quarter sized lump in my arm that im paranoid as fuck about so thats cool.