I drift further into isolation.
Digging my soul into a deeper depression.
The pressure keeps beating me down.
People don't view me or speak of me the same way when I'm not around.
All this questions on what the source of my sorrow is.
My answer, "it was you, you did".
One moment you're proclaiming your love for me.
The next you're cursing me and blaming me for all that is unholy.
You look at me, seeing the pain in my eyes.
Looking at me...asking me why I cry...what do I feel inside...why do I want to die...Who did this to me?
My answer, "it was you, you did".
You said you'd always be there for me, because you were a friend.
But what's the source of your loyalty, cash I spend?the help I'm willing to lend?
Because it seems like you play me off like you do to some prep bitches, am I really still a bro?
That's sure as hell not what your actions show.
You say it's me.
I say it's you.
Others says its all of us.
My answer.
It was you, you did.
put that together in a few minutes how is it
hey what the fuck that avatar belongs to me you little asshole
Quote from: Nyerp on January 24, 2009, 09:59:45 PM
hey what the fuck that avatar belongs to me you little asshole
its from a smash comic shut up hoe
Anyways what did you think nyerp
ban for stealing avatars
Quote from: Nyerp on January 24, 2009, 10:10:53 PM
im a virgin
Terrific. Unfortunately that has nothing to do with sucking ass.
I hope you intended this as very loose free verse, because that's the only way to read it with any sort of impact. Also, you really don't need to end every line with a period like that, especially since it interrupts with the flow in a few spots.
Uh, it's not really my style, though. I prefer more condensed or rhythmic poetry myself rather than ramble-esque free verse (with some exceptions, of course).
I also must say you're a bit of a brave soul for posting poetry of all things on Boyah. Most people here don't really know anything about writing poetry and many users seem to hate it. I keep my literature quite far way from this place.
Quote from: Kaz on January 24, 2009, 10:25:10 PM
I hope you intended this as very loose free verse, because that's the only way to read it with any sort of impact. Also, you really don't need to end every line with a period like that, especially since it interrupts with the flow in a few spots.
Uh, it's not really my style, though. I prefer more condensed or rhythmic poetry myself rather than ramble-esque free verse (with some exceptions, of course).
I also must say you're a bit of a brave soul for posting poetry of all things on Boyah. Most people here don't really know anything about writing poetry and many users seem to hate it. I keep my literature quite far way from this place.
i dont really know how to write poetry thats why i didnt care about posting it
it was just a little rhyme a came up with while i was sitting in here
Quote from: Kaz on January 24, 2009, 10:25:10 PM
I keep my literature quite far way from this place.
You're the guy with the novels.
i thought it was pretty decent
not amazing, but quite good
KAZ SHOW US SOMETHING OF YOURS
Quote from: Socks on January 24, 2009, 10:34:39 PM
You're the guy with the novels.
I mostly write poetry but I have been writing a novel, yes.
Quote from: Forest Hiro on January 24, 2009, 10:35:39 PM
KAZ SHOW US SOMETHING OF YOURS
good lord no
Quote from: Kaz on January 24, 2009, 10:37:07 PM
I mostly write poetry but I have been writing a novel, yes.
good lord no
why not?
Can I see some in private :(
not bad
I suck at poetry and would never post any of my writing on Boyah. wariodood;
Though my passing may awaken
A lamenting soul not forsaken,
In darkness, when faith looks bleak
Hope's rays shine from peak to peak,
Illuminating spirits that dare to seek
That noble dream of weak and meek,
So in remembrance, don't be somber,
Spread my message far and yonder,
Let each ember roam and wonder
Into a heart with passion's thunder,
For in such essence I will live on
Never confined by flesh or bone,
Yet these words I write and mutter
As my heart torments with flutter
Still I ponder, who shall such utter?
For my being but a cynic doubter,
Faced with strife in hopeless life
One wonders of holy pipers fife,
Should such thoughts run so rife?
Embracing bosom with fatal knife,
Perhaps it's meant, a tragic end
To a tragedy unknowingly pend,
Why must we this burden suffer?
As wild horses, this earth we trotter.
Let me have it Kaz...
Well, that was certainly a strong effort, Socks. A mostly steady rhythm with no particular meter restrictions but a catchy rhyme scheme. I find it odd that your scheme sort of changes itself abruptly to three-line rhymes or slant rhymes in a few spots, but it's not a particularly big deal.
I think the poem would have a stronger impact if you didn't make the entire first stanza one "sentence," so to speak. I'm tempted to say you might want to change the comma after "meek" to a period.
Also, if you're reading it the same way I do, surely you notice that you usually have a very steady rhythm, but other times it trips over extra syllables and such. If you think that's a problem, work at it. If not, then whatever.
But uh, if you want my overall honest opinion, I'd say it's quite decent. If I myself had done it, I would have reworked it a little to maintain the same rhythm (and possibly meter, but maybe not). But regardless, it's a good effort. I enjoyed it. The last line in particular is very strong, and has a nice, mystical "stretching out" feeling to it.
That was very helpful, it is still a draft that I don't have to hand in for a few more weeks. I'll make sure to get your opinion on the final draft. Thanks again.
Quote from: Socks on January 25, 2009, 12:07:08 AM
That was very helpful, it is still a draft that I don't have to hand in for a few more weeks. I'll make sure to get your opinion on the final draft. Thanks again.
Yeah, no problem. I like helping out with these sorts of things and reading any poetry is always something I'm up for.
I love writing poetry. For a while it has been a sort of secret personal thing, but lately I have been showing people. I realized it's important to show it, because you can get helpful criticism and it is just nice to share your work.
Though all my poetry always seems to end up being about the same thing...