The Two Cities
There once were two large cities, adjacent to one another, each lying on opposite sides of a majestic river. The difference between these two cities though was apparent to all the ships that traveled between the two, for one boasted electricity, and was utterly illuminated and engulfed in a blanket of light every moment of the day, where the other, not as fortunate, appeared bleak and dark.
One day a man from the less fortunate city decided to take a trip to the electrified and wealthy one. He spent the day and night there, enjoying the novelties and ease that electricity brought to everyday life, but he felt something was simply missing. He returned the next evening to his quaint home nestled on the western coast of the poor city.
Not far upon his return he realized what was missing from the electrified city, something invisible through the canvas of artificial light, those living in that city never saw the sunset.
Wheres the gore, swearing and porn that every American loves in s a story. doodthing;
Very.. provocative. Although I can't but help that I've heard something similar before.
It's a good concept, but it needs to be fleshed out. If you need inspiration, read Bradbury.
That was better than I thought.
Quote from: steal on April 09, 2008, 10:26:20 PM
Short story is simply too short, makes it sound more like a bed time story. Expand it and elaborate.
Yeah that would be nice, Selkie just write a fucking novel.
Please, do us a favor and expand on this. It's a very interesting concept. It walks dangerously on the edge of being a giant cliche, but you got away with it safely. Some of your word choice is a bit stale for the provocativeness you're going for (bleak and dark? ugh.), but that can be fixed easily.
This isn't enough to make a novel or anything, but definitely a longer story...maybe even a novella.
Normally I don't show my face in criticizing writing that people do on forums, but this one deserved my attention, because you have a good idea.
Thanks guys
I'll take the advice and expand it to make it a bit longer, maybe a lot longer, not a full-length novel obviously though.
I will also fix the wording so it isn't so bland and generic.
Expect the next product probably within a week
wow. i definately read more.
the last line was super.
post more on this please. doodella;
That was awesome.
Am I the only on that's not getting a hard on over this story?
Quote from: Socks on April 10, 2008, 10:35:12 AM
Am I the only on that's not getting a hard on over this story?
nope caterpie;
You're much better at writing than you are at making music. Please, take Kaz's advice and make it even better. doodella;
Quote from: Socks on April 10, 2008, 10:35:12 AM
Am I the only on that's not getting a hard on over this story?
No, but you are the only one who takes friendly appraisal with a side of criticism as "a hard on."
I dont know man. It kind of falls in right along all those other anti-industrialization spoofs.
It's certainly an interesting concept, which is probably why so many writers choose to take that approach. As far as the piece stands right now, it seems to fall a little flat in most areas. Had you tried to inject the piece with a certain, specific tone, you probably could have gotten away with it as is. If you had, for example, made it a bit more satirical or light, it would have fit the length better. Some of the word choices seem a bit heavy for the length especially. Plain and simple, it needs development and I'm only repeating what some of the other posts have already stated.
Focus on some particular conflict concerning the developed side. Maybe comment on how fickle and fragile development and industrialization can really be. How easily it can be taken away or broken. Honest, though, if you stick with the simple concept of the dark city being able to see the stars and such, it's probably going to fall fast. It's a rather tired concept.
It's nice to see people doing a bit of extra-curricular writing though. Keep it up.
The two cities should be Dallas and Fort Worth, imo
Quote from: Co-Z on April 10, 2008, 03:39:15 PM
The two cities should be Dallas and Fort Worth, imo
Making them real cities would pretty much ruin the story, because the concept is hypothetical.
Quote from: Kazarus on April 10, 2008, 03:40:43 PM
Making them real cities would pretty much ruin the story, because the concept is hypothetical.
ino.
just thought it'd be good plot to use by someone from fort worth who hates dallas and its damn modern life.
Quote from: Kazarus on April 10, 2008, 01:07:18 PM
No, but you are the only one who takes friendly appraisal with a side of criticism as "a hard on."
It was either a hard on or an orgasm, I felt the latter was a bitch much, hence my choice of words.
Hi Kaz.
It's a good intro that kinda lures the reader into it.
Keep up the good work ;D