I want you, I need you
Without you I?ll die
I have no one to support me
But my friends inside
I have the whole world hating me
For something I didn?t do
I wish they would know
What it?s like in my shoes
I have him trying to
Take away what?s mine
And I have her taking over
What I have left inside
My feelings are pitiful
Fear and hate
What more can I do
Than pray and wait?
Yeah, it mentions my imaginary friend Adare, my friend Nick, Eddi, my ex, my friend trying to take over my video game club, the way she's been spreading rumors about me, my mom, how now all the people that used to be my friend hate me because of her, my hatred of this girl and how she's trying to make it look like she did nothing wrong (this girl sent me freaking hate mail), and how I really can't stop it. All in 16 lines, lol.
I think you should really try harder to avoid blatant cliches. Also, try to make your lines flow into each other more smoothly, not just connect in ideas. It's very important that you make it so that when you read it, it flows perfectly.
It's not horrible, but to be brutally honest, I don't consider it all that good. I'm just trying to be an honest critic here.
OH, THE PAIN OF BEING A MIDDLE-CLASS SUBURBAN WHITE TEENAGER
Quote from: Guava on September 22, 2007, 09:03:39 PM
OH, THE PAIN OF BEING A MIDDLE-CLASS SUBURBAN WHITE TEENAGER
Yeah, the emo cliche is something she should really avoid too. :'(
Quote from: Guava on September 22, 2007, 09:03:39 PM
OH, THE PAIN OF BEING A MIDDLE-CLASS SUBURBAN WHITE TEENAGER
That's all I could think about while reading this poem. This reminds me of that one guy on NSider who wrote all those sappy dark emo poems. At least this poem isn't as badly written as his were.
while we're on the subject of poems, can someone tell me if this is any good
Awake.
Step lightly into
The Topaz Sun,
My pretty child,
My sweet thing.
The day is ours to take.
The dream is over,
The sun is here,
And now we wait in this maddening heat
For a sign.
A sign that all things have come to be
In this light.
The birds in the sky,
Barred and chained,
Will scream to us
"Join our song and dance,
For some madness have befallen you!"
But we will not fly.
We walk the beaten path
Of a million soldiers,
Alone yet together at last.
And as it may be that
The jeweled lake ahead be Grim,
We trod.
And the world is ours.
Quote from: NOM NOM FUCKIN' NOM on September 22, 2007, 09:15:52 PM
while we're on the subject of poems, can someone tell me if this is any good
Awake.
Step lightly into
The Topaz Sun,
My pretty child,
My sweet thing.
The day is ours to take.
The dream is over,
The sun is here,
And now we wait in this maddening heat
For a sign.
A sign that all things have come to be
In this light.
The birds in the sky,
Barred and chained,
Will scream to us
"Join our song and dance,
For some madness have befallen you!"
But we will not fly.
We walk the beaten path
Of a million soldiers,
Alone yet together at last.
And as it may be that
The jeweled lake ahead be Grim,
We trod.
And the world is ours.
Pretty good, but don't capitalize the first letter of every line. It messes up the flow.
Quote from: Guava on September 22, 2007, 09:27:14 PM
Pretty good, but don't capitalize the first letter of every line. It messes up the flow.
It's a habit. It looks weird to me when I don't. I actually started writing it without doing that, but then went back and changed it.
I won't be surprised at all if it sounds to you like something Jim Morrison would write.
I hate poetry.
Take a guess about how I feel about this.
Quote from: NOM NOM FUCKIN' NOM on September 22, 2007, 09:29:01 PM
It's a habit. It looks weird to me when I don't. I actually started writing it without doing that, but then went back and changed it.
I won't be surprised at all if it sounds to you like something Jim Morrison would write.
You know, I can totally picture the Doors making a song out of it.
Quote from: Lawlz on September 22, 2007, 09:34:31 PM
I hate poetry.
Take a guess about how I feel about this.
You think it's super-duper?
? now ='s '?
lol, thats confusing.
anyway, it's too emo. Please brighten it up, before I cry :(