I awoke to the smell of something putrid. Something like putrid milk, or rotten fruit. I pulled my watch out of my pocket and checked the time--3:30 AM. Only 4 hours of sleep. The scent was nauseating and unbearable, so I decided to get up off the couch and get prepared for the big day.
Today was the day I was going to go down to the unit and demand my promotion from Reaper. A promotion that would get me up and out of repetitious office work; I'd be going out in the streets, having excellent and potentially dangerous adventures tracking down criminal masterminds, earning higher pay, and providing peace of mind to the innocent. I, Lawlz Q. Twinkletoes, was going to assure I became a detective.
After a quick whore bath at the bathroom sink, I strolled out to the kitchen to make myself a bagel. No cream cheese. "God damnit," I muttered. I now knew what the smell was, and why I had no cream cheese. My roommate, Kaz, and has girlfriend often partook in kinky and queer sex. Most often, this sex involved rubbing foodstuffs over their bodies and eating it off of each other, and occasionally coprophagia. They must have stuffed the cream cheese in each other's anuses and eaten it out. Disgusting, but the man payed 3/4 of the bills, so I couldn't complain too much. I wouldn't risk losing my home and 2 meals a day.
As I poured my cup of joe, I heard footsteps.
"Excuse me wtf r u doin," muttered Kaz, holding a knife up against my throat. This wasn't anything unusual. He and his girlfriend often took cocktails of crazy drugs they bought from the niggers near the intersection of Banned Camp and Powerspike Parkway to make their crazy sex even wilder. The effects would often last for anywhere from five hours to three days.
"Itty bitty baby," I said.
"Itty bitty boat," Kaz said and immediately collapsed on the table. Sugar and salt flew everywhere, but I was too damn lazy to clean up the mess. One of the legs on the twenty dollar table may have broke, but that was his problem, not mine.
I just scooped up about a tablespoon of sugar off the floor and plopped it in my coffee. Magically delicious. I popped on my fedora and my trenchcoat, and I was ready to go.
We lived on the twelfth floor and I had to ride the elevator to the bottom. I stepped outside of our apartment and into the hall. The floor and walks were all blood red, and illuminated with dull yellow lights, strung from the low hanging ceiling. A naked man lay passed out in the hall, and while the sun hadn't even risen, he was already afflicted with the curse of morning wood. I assumed his wife kicked him out of his apartment for being drunk, considering he had the foul stench of alcohol and a black whore.
I passed through the hall and went into the elevator. An old woman with her pussy greeted me. She offered me mints, but I declined the act of generosity. My coffee was sweet enough.
I reached the bottom floor and strolled out to my vehicle, with the old woman slowly shuffling behind me. She said she liked watching the young people drive their cars to work in the early hours of day, driving off to a successful career and the foundation for a family. Well, today was bound to be a huge day for me.
Cool, give me a sec and I'll right a bestiality/slash fanfic.
story fucking SUCKS
Quote from: Lawlz on August 25, 2007, 08:33:47 PM
story fucking SUCKS
Your the one who posted it. powerofone;
I like it.
Ew, foodstuff sex. gonk;
Quote from: Kaz on August 25, 2007, 08:43:44 PM
Ew, foodstuff sex. gonk;
And indulgence of scat. powerofone;
Quote from: Claquesous on August 25, 2007, 08:45:05 PM
Please do.
Probably tomorrow, because I'm braindead right now. myface;
Quote from: Lawlz on August 25, 2007, 08:44:35 PM
And indulgence of scat. powerofone;
Why can't we have normal sex? :'(
Quote from: Kaz on August 25, 2007, 08:46:44 PM
Why can't we have normal sex? :'(
BECAUSE YOU'RE KAZ, AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS A FREAKY BITCH. powerofone;
Quote from: Lawlz on August 25, 2007, 08:51:20 PM
BECAUSE YOU'RE KAZ, AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS A FREAKY BITCH. powerofone;
You're just frustrated because she hates you and won't give you anything. caterpie;
Quote from: Kaz on August 25, 2007, 08:52:54 PM
You're just frustrated because she hates you and won't give you anything. caterpie;
Not my fault she likes feces and cream cheese crammed into her vagina and incessant yeast infections. gooncamp;
Quote from: Lawlz on August 25, 2007, 08:58:01 PM
Not my fault she likes feces and cream cheese crammed into her vagina and incessant yeast infections. gooncamp;
wtf? rofl
Quote from: Lawlz on August 25, 2007, 08:58:01 PM
Not my fault she likes feces and cream cheese crammed into her vagina and incessant yeast infections. gooncamp;
That's not true. emo;
It is different than most BOYAH stories. Do some more.
It needs more chipmunk fighter pilots. china;
im slowly working on da next one gaiz myface;
Quote from: Clair on August 25, 2007, 09:32:44 PM
It is different than most BOYAH stories.
You're an idiot. psyduck;
Quote from: Commodore Guff on August 27, 2007, 05:13:40 PM
You're an idiot. psyduck;
srsly
It's really just Andrew's detective story, except with less grammatical and spelling errors.