Boyah.

[6M69I69B9]

I've been always damn scared of coming here, at certain times, though.  I'm not going to lie about shit, I want to get this shit out.  I want to make it clear how Boyah has affected me, and/or how I made this place affect me.  Man, I've been really fucking depressed this year, crying my ass off for so long with other problems, and posting that shit with remarks of confusion and nonsense of my post, just made it worse.  I truly have a problem posting here, I really fucking do.  I'm going to spend at least an hour, venting of what has actually been making me nervous, how my anxiety goes up when I go on Boyah, but I think I've also gained some skills in here.  I can't believe I'm doing this.  But, after feeling bad about that thread and how "seriously" it was taken, I thought it was time that I fucking stand up, and try to confront the doods of Boyah on what's been on my mind, even if I sound like a dipshit.  Maybe this should have been the least of my problems, and that I should focus shit in "real-life," but I've been having these thoughts while browsing Boyah for so long.  I'm not here for sympathy, maybe I'm some attention whore, but this is one thing I've longed to express.  

I guess I've always thought to myself how stupid I make myself seem, or maybe am just stupid for the most part.  Most of my experiences coming to Boyah, I'd try endure, but I've learned a few things about myself and some stuff from other users, as well.  Going to the Serious Board in the past, I remember posting my opinions as facts, abusing smilies, etc. and etc..  But, I'd get conflicted with criticism, long posts of discussion after I'd post something.  I'd get ashamed that I can't get my posts for people to actually consider than thinking how I don't make sense and shit.  When I'm online, and try to look at other users' actions, you may seem me viewing who's online most of the time.  Yeah, maybe I'm obsessed like fuck- trying to see which users would go to a thread or a post of mine.  If there's a new response, I immediately go to it, and I feel a rush of stupidity, guilt, regret, but I just have some obsession looking back at feedback, because I'm so self-conscious.  Ever since coming here, I think I've gotten more self-conscious.  I've always thought that maybe my posts are stupid as fuck, which motivated to get revising what I say, write, type, and etc. with the best of my effort.  Sometimes it may go an hour or more.  Sometimes I'd joke in here, but really, I guess people are too literal or I don't know.  I know that it's suggested that people online shouldn't actually affect me, and how they may have different interpretations and/or perspectives of what I post and could be underestimating me for shit, or what I'd assume from people.  Or, maybe I'm just dumb like fuck as they may point out or something.  But, yeah, it does affect me.  

I take criticism seriously, to heart, no matter how stupid it may sound, I consider most shit thrown at me.  This is like one of the few places that I think of trying to configure my shit so then I wouldn't conflict with people, but I can't stop seeming like I'm some dumbfuck in front of people.  But, when I'd leave Boyah and come back, I'd feel more better about myself.  I don't know how I'd stumble here, but when I'd come back, I'd be thinking that I can take on whatever fucking criticism you guys throw, I don't give a fuck.  But, I just get watered down so badly.  In Boyah, more than any other place, real-life or the Internet- I feel like trying to "redeem" myself.  Like trying to make my own family to think that I'm not a reject.  I get so ashamed of myself being here.  I'm just more self-conscious on Boyah than any other place.  Really, I don't know why I keep coming here.  I just think most Boyagers focus on certain Boyagers, and others may come here just because they're bored.  When people would talk about academics, I'd feel bad that I'm getting- what?  A "D - C" average?  Maybe how information commonly known here is just mostly unknown to me, too.  There's a lot of shit I don't know and/or am not too interested about- like games, sports anime, history, world issues, controversies, and etc..  I mean, I'd try to get myself informed about shit when interested into some stuff, but I get hesitant about posting on here.  So, coming here, just reading other people's social lives, what games, movies, shows, inside-jokes, and miscellaneous shit, assuming how most of my posts are dodged, it just confuses me as to why I still come here.  I guess it's because I get bored, I don't know.  

But yeah, this is what's been on my mind most of the time when browsing Boyah.  I think it's best that I leave, but I want to at least stay here until my fifth anniversary.  I appreciate how much I've gained- as in being more conscious to what I post, how many times my self-esteem has gone down the drain, but have came back to confront what makes me feel so damn ashamed of myself, and I feel good that I didn't ignore the posts, and came back and represent myself- no matter how fucking cheesy, corny, pathetic, and etc. I sound.    

[strongbad]

But, I'd get conflicted with criticism, long posts of discussion after I'd post something.  I'd get ashamed that I can't get my posts for people to actually consider than thinking how I don't make sense and shit.  When I'm online, and try to look at other users' actions, you can see me always seeing who's online.  Yeah, I maybe I'm obsessed like fuck- trying to see which users would go to a thread or a post of mine.  If there's a new response, I immediately go to it, and I feel a rush of stupidity, guilt, regret, but I just have some obsession looking back at feedback, because I'm so self-conscious.

These are similar to me. But idk, I've learned that I enjoy Boyah most when I take it less seriously. A lot of Boyagers are extremely opinionated, and that's one of the reasons that I love this site. However, it can definitely lead to unpleasant replys, but it's important for me at least to remember that it's just an internet forum and people are more critical over this medium in general.

And I definitely am more into the threads that I make over other threads, but that's just because I post about things that I am directly interested in. I also love attention, so replys are nice.

In response to the rest of your post, I honestly respect a lot of the members here a lot. From what I've seen, most Boyagers are more interesting people than people I meet and know in real life. Again, another reason that I like this place. But I can see how that could almost be intimidating relative to oneself (is that what you're getting at?). I've definitely felt that way in regards to music and other topics here, but it kind of leads to a learning experience. I can honestly say that a large portion of my music collection and music taste in general is directly from browsing Boyah. There have been countless times where I play an artist and people ask how I've found it and I just say "this weird internet forum" or something.

I wouldn't be so self critical though. There's no standard that you have to measure up to as a Boyager. There might be in certain topics (like gaming, christ) but personally I've used it as a learning experience. I wouldn't currently be playing Ikaruga (played it earlier today actually, probably one of the best games I've played in a long time) with my room mate if it wasn't for Kaz and Lawlz raving about it.

[6M69I69B9]

In response to the rest of your post, I honestly respect a lot of the members here a lot. From what I've seen, most Boyagers are more interesting people than people I meet and know in real life. Again, another reason that I like this place. But I can see how that could almost be intimidating relative to oneself (is that what you're getting at?). I've definitely felt that way in regards to music and other topics here, but it kind of leads to a learning experience. I can honestly say that a large portion of my music collection and music taste in general is directly from browsing Boyah. There have been countless times where I play an artist and people ask how I've found it and I just say "this weird internet forum" or something.

I wouldn't be so self critical though. There's no standard that you have to measure up to as a Boyager. There might be in certain topics (like gaming, christ) but personally I've used it as a learning experience. I wouldn't currently be playing Ikaruga (played it earlier today actually, probably one of the best games I've played in a long time) with my room mate if it wasn't for Kaz and Lawlz raving about it.

Oh, I've definitely have taken things here as a learning experiences as I've browsed through here.

I don't think there's a certain standard to measure up as a Boyager, too, (Like I give a fuck.) but at the same time, I've just had a history of just being underestimated- Boyah being one big factor.  With this, I've always felt on Boyah that I had to redeem myself, even if it's "just" an Internet forum.  I think I've become more confident a lot from the many times I'd get nervous after posting something, then coming back to confront my fears.  But, yeah, I guess at the same time, too, that I shouldn't get too wound up in people's shit, but it just gets to me sometimes. 

[snoorkel]

you better not fucking leave.

[Socks]

how come you never make these posts when i am high on cocaine? also, rest assured that what you said applies to most of us here.

[?????]

Welcome to Boyah.

[strongbad]

how come you never make these posts when i am high on cocaine?

lol
i want to make this my sig

[Travis]

lol
i want to make this my sig

this is possibly fyi

[strongbad]

this is possibly fyi

whaaaaaaa?

[Travis]

whaaaaaaa?

just add the quote to your sig?

[strongbad]

just add the quote to your sig?

oh
[spoiler]upon further thought i think i will stay (mostly) sigless[/spoiler]