Juicer

[Boogus Epirus Aurelius]

I have this real clunky juicer I bought a few years ago.
I also had a bag of apples in my fridge that had been there for ages and didn't taste very good.
I also wanted apple juice this afternoon.
I also didn't have any apple juice in my fridge.
I also didn't want to go to the store to buy some.

So I made some.

The juicer is made up of a handful of parts that all click together. There's a filter and a grinder and a bunch of odd puzzling plastic contraptions that whizz and whirr.

After I put the thing together, I plugged it in to my wall via an "outlet" or holes that exude manufactured electricity which is generated in large places called "power plants". This is a picture of a power plant.



This is a nuclear or atomic power plant. Atomic power plants use nuclear fissure to generate electricity for Americans to power their many handy appliances.

So, having established a connection between my juicer and a power plant miles and miles and miles away, I switched it on and was greeted with a very loud whirring noise coupled with vibrations from the machine itself. They were not good vibrations.

This is a picture of good vibrations.


Normally when you experience bad vibrations you rethink the decisions that got you where you were. If you experience very bad vibrations, you run to high ground.

This is a picture of very bad vibrations.


But, I decided to ignore the warning and brought my apples out of the fridge and ripped open the bag and noticed how waxy these apples felt. That's the sign that they're good and full of pesticides. MMMMMMM MMMMMMMM.

My juicer advertised that it would take a whole apple into it's hopper. That it would chew up the entire thing and digest the roughage and piss out the remaining sledge into a cup.

*CUP NOT INCLUDED*

So, I had my apple prepped in my hand and my vibrating juicer doing its business on my counter and I decided to make my juice. Before I shoved the apple into the hopper, I said "here goes nothing". It's something that movie stars and obnoxious family members often say before they do something heroic/foolish.

The apple met the grinder and the roughage met the filter and the juice met the chute and my cup swallowed the cloudy juice. Success. Next apple.

The first apple seemed to have upset the juicer even more. The vibrations were now what the manufacturers would call being in the "danger zone" or code orange.

Here's an example of a color coded danger chart previously endorsed by the American government.


But I was foolishly looking forward to enjoying my juice and tempted fate and fed that second apple into the maw of that fucking juicer.

It seemed fine at first. But then it didn't

There was a screech and a "schlap schlap" sound as the juicer rejected the newly implanted apple.
Improper donor.

Picture this:

-There was a violent maff of juice that shot out of the chute and onto my wall. There were chunks of apple in it. The juicer's digestive tract was obviously in shambles.

-The "schlap" sounds turned into a scream from a child trapped in limbo. Perpetual and unrelenting as the grinder and filter made acquaintances inside the machine.

-The top of the tool that prods the fruit to the grinder fired out of the top of the machine and into the underbelly of my cabinets followed by a handful of half digested apple that the machine violently vomited.

I had enough sense to unplug the thing before it did some real damage.

In the process of unplugging the machine, I knocked over the glass that actually held the complete product from the earlier apple.

My friend juicer is now dead in the garbage. My soul hurts.

[YPrrrr]

I pictured him as if he were a character in the Little Toaster and I wept internally

[silvertone]

these are not the Good Vibrations. these words are the opposite of good vibrations, did we learn anything from Father Wilson was it all in vain...

[?????]

I want to go to Jamba Juice.

[Boogus Epirus Aurelius]

these are not the Good Vibrations. these words are the opposite of good vibrations, did we learn anything from Father Wilson was it all in vain...

Father Brian's father beat him with 2x4's. Brother Eugene Landy told me in his book that he told me that Brian wrote.

I want to go to Jamba Juice.

Yeah, I'll Jamba someone's goddamned juice. 

[Andria]

thank you for picture examples

[Socks]

Reading this gave me a good vibration. A little less plump than your apples, but just as juicy I assure you!

[silvertone]

Father Brian's father beat him with 2x4's. Brother Eugene Landy told me in his book that he told me that Brian wrote.

i wonder if brian's dad made retarded music pun/jokes while he beat Father Brian. like really cheesy ones.

~such as~ how is this beat Brian .  here is another hit to make your bruises harmonize  and other stuffl ike that.  but seriously though Child Abuse is no lauhging manner

[Boogus Epirus Aurelius]

i wonder if brian's dad made retarded music pun/jokes while he beat Father Brian. like really cheesy ones.

~such as~ how is this beat Brian .  here is another hit to make your bruises harmonize  and other stuffl ike that.  but seriously though Child Abuse is no lauhging manner

I bet he named the 2x4 "Rhonda".

That's it for me, good night everyone!

[snoorkel]

bim bim bim it's been real boogy bim

[Boogus Epirus Aurelius]

So I woke up and walked into my kitchen and my floor is completely sticky even after scrubbing it yesterday.

[applesauce]

good post. I like your thoughtfulness.