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Author Topic: Fear  (Read 1801 times)
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« on: September 15, 2013, 08:16:04 AM »

I am filled with much fear. I am seeing it more and more these days. I saw it this afternoon when Jordan called me out about being contrary about shamrock shakes.

That is right. I had a moral conviction in the midst of a conversation about a shake from McDonald’s. (this is just more proof that the Holy Spirit must be real) I have had one, and it was not good, and I am irrationally gun shy about having another because they might be AMAZING!

So, instead of admitting that, or even instead of just letting myself feel my fear, I covered it up with the desire to be right. Right that shamrock shakes are not good, because if they are not good, then I cannot be addicted to them, and therefore cannot be part of the hype about them, and therefore will somehow be protected all alone in my “I don’t like shamrock shakes and this is some kind of safe identity” place.

My own sin and weakness are dripping from my pores. The point is that I was not being wholly myself, and not really available to my co-workers and friends. I want to me more open to those around me.

First: try a shamrock shake.Yes, it sounds shallow, but it is more than that for me, and I should embrace that. There is yet another growth point- don’t shy away from depth in daily activities.
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« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2013, 09:59:04 AM »

i never had a sham rock shake
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« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2013, 12:16:12 AM »

I'm mostly scared of getting hit in the jaw, because the jaw seems like a pretty delicate part.
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« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2013, 09:51:15 AM »

I'm mostly scared of getting hit in the jaw, because the jaw seems like a pretty delicate part.
i know a guy who got into a motorcycle accident and his bottom half of his jaw was fucking owned but the doctors say it was a miracle that he didn't have any permanent damage he should have bean dead or at least brain faged for life
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« Reply #4 on: September 29, 2013, 03:36:36 PM »

I'm mostly scared of getting hit in the jaw, because the jaw seems like a pretty delicate part.
its not that bad if u Clench youre jaw
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« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2013, 05:12:10 AM »

my dreams tell me my fears clearly more than real life
in dreaming i use invisibility to protect myself from stress (an imprint from childhood, the largest stressor for me was other children; it expresses itself again in dreaming)
in real life i'm terribly suffocated out of fear of visibility (to others and myself)
my defense is to project a false fantasy-fueled self-image
one that isn't so hermetic, raw and abstract (a zidone)
instead i make a very alluring and captivating self-image, sensually manipulating those around me to see me as their vessel to happiness. this in turn sucks them in very deep, and they pass their control over to me. ultimate control of the body and mind. with this, i can get as much attention as i want. no longer do i need to confront my real self; i am free from myself, in a very attractive and inauthentic way.
paradoxically, behaving this way leaves me in bondage and suffocation because it's all fake.
it's too frightening to see my real self and give it real love.
it'll destroy a very large part of my identity (victim-sufferer) that i've grown so used to.
and i'm so terribly mortified of my real self to begin with.
i remember once looking at childhood photos of me that triggered extreme horror. a death drive emerged and wanted to annihilate any residual connections to my authenticity.
to defend myself from this extreme self-hatred i developed a false self for the public.

another reoccurring motif in my dreams is insane hatred and fear for my parents.
because they denied me and i was so desperate for love that i repressed a large part of myself out of shame and guilt.
and it has been like that ever since, slowly tightening inward with incredible unconscious hatred that any glint of authenticity is taken with horror, instability and fear.

this is why i live in a drift-less, dream-like world with deaden ambition and deaden motive lol
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« Reply #6 on: January 07, 2014, 10:41:16 PM »

I realize that I have contained fear and turned it into something different entirely. My only real fear is still getting hit in the jaw.
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« Reply #7 on: January 10, 2014, 04:34:35 AM »

i want shamrock shake.
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« Reply #8 on: January 10, 2014, 08:53:27 PM »

i want [redacted] shake
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« Reply #9 on: January 10, 2014, 09:58:37 PM »

Shamrock shake, more like Sham-Shake (It's just some kind of green, chilled mucus from poor people)
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« Reply #10 on: January 10, 2014, 10:55:01 PM »

shame shake
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« Reply #11 on: January 22, 2014, 11:36:14 AM »

Everyone has fears, and most people on the internet will tell you you secretly like it.

That sort of makes sense in the fact a lot of fears now are socially engineered. People might say they're afraid of death but secretly just wanna get their jollies off for a final time by being hanged or something.

I'm afraid of being betrayed or abandoned, which is common enough, and I can't imagine the sexual ties to that. Thing is, it kind of just happens a lot, and it doesn't help that I'm also way too stubborn. People sleight my in the littlest terms and I take wholehearted offense to it, usually crushing my relationship right then and there. It's something I have worked on, but primarily I think it tells me who I subconsciously like more than others.
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« Reply #12 on: February 08, 2014, 03:21:56 PM »

shamrock shake brought to you by the colgate corporation
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« Reply #13 on: February 09, 2014, 06:30:27 PM »

Test Your Might. Mortal Karbs
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« Reply #14 on: February 10, 2014, 02:10:44 AM »

i'm scared of being alone
of dying
of letting people down

i think those are the big 3 4 me
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